we have the technology

This week I'm trying to take care of myself. Yesterday I crafted for two hours, making Valentine things of course. Today I'm going to go for a nature walk, then do spa things. This is hard. I ignore myself and what I really need so much of the time. I feel guilty doing things I enjoy. But tomorrow is my birthday so I'm using that as a reason.

Yesterday while crafting I discovered some photographs of my parents. For some reason I hid them in one of my craft boxes along with a card from my mom that said "Cate" on the envelope. It occurred to me that I could throw those photos and the card away. I never thought of that before. I put them in a pile, without looking at them and threw them away and immediately took the garbage outside to the trash can. It was so freeing to get rid of those pictures that reminded me of their last visit that was so hard, awkward and unsuccessful. I still have pictures of them with me as a child but I don't dare look at them right now.

Last night I dreamt I was at church with my dad. I resented being there and got up to throw something away (maybe hearkening back to me throwing away their photos), I came back and found a beautiful woman sitting next to my dad. He was talking to her and didn't pay attention to me, this made me feel horrible. I wanted him to be interested in me and to think I was beautiful. This reminds me of wanting his attention so bad when I was little and wanting him to think I was his beautiful ballerina. Growing up I always felt it was wrong for me to want basic attention from my dad, that that was something only my mom could get, maybe because that was the only person who got his attention in our family. I don't like writing about things like this, but I just did.