Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Book love

What book(s) are you reading right now? What book(s) are you planning on reading next? I would love to hear the titles that have been rummaging around in your head! I will reveal what I have been/plan on reading tomorrow.


I never thought I would say this but therapy was great yesterday.  I felt like I had the opportunity to say everything I wanted to. We talked about medication and baby plans. Ronald and I want to get pregnant sometime this year so we are now on track to get off medication sometime this Summer. It's all very exciting. I feel so giddy about the whole thing. I feel like I am finally ready to move on and start a new chapter in my life. I'm ready to stop living my life being ruled by my illness.

Last night I was so excited and had so much nervous energy from all the realizations, so Ronald helped me move my craft table into the dining room, something I've wanted to do for a while.  It's pretty big and takes up one corner, but our dining room is huge so it fits in. So excited to start crafting more and to be in such a sunny and bright part of the house.

I guess you can tell I'm pretty happy and excited about all these plans. It has been a while since I've felt this good so I'm going to enjoy it.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

let's go

Today is therapy. I'm ready and hoping that we can figure out medication and the like. I have been quite addicted to the idea of having a baby. I have been searching on Etsy for vintage things for a babies room. I guess because right now that is the closest I can get to it and it makes me feel like one day it will happen.

I have worked out the last two days. I have skipped one and a half doses of Abilify and still feel good, I will take my dose at noon and get back on schedule. It's very unlike me to skip a dose of medication, it usually sets me in a tail spin. This is the first time I have ever intentionally skipped a dose, only because the pharmacy doesn't have it ready yet. I'm surprised I haven't been crying all day, although I do feel a little dizzy.

I bought a ton of flowers yesterday for the house. Lilacs for the living room, pale purple tulips for the bedroom and red somethings in milk glass vases that they always give on the room service trays in Vegas. I think I spent $25-$30 on them...I can't help it though.

I have been cooking lately, finally back to my old cooking nature. We eat at the dining room table drenched in the sun and covered in flowers and cake stands and yummy food, I love it. I have also been a moderate housekeeper which is saying something since I was basically bed ridden just a few months ago. Plus, I have been crafting! I feel slightly inspired some days. Still too sedated to be inspired in my favorite thing: writing, but hoping that one day it will happen. I used to write 1500 words a day. I miss those times.

Monday, March 29, 2010


It's cold and sprinkle-y out. I have been up since 8 this morning but still feel like I am just waking up. I ran out of my Abilify today so am going to skip a dose until I can pick it up tomorrow which may cause me some mood swings. We'll see.

I'm still feeling moderately irritable. I feel like at any moment I will fly off the handle or get really depressed. I don't feel very stable right now. I'm sort of a mess and don't have much to say.

Sunday, March 28, 2010


I love this straw hat paint color. It's yellow and buttery and not too bright. We are going to paint our entryway this color.

I've been really irritable the last few days. I think it's because we lowered my Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer. Now I'm having swift and tough mood swings. Nothing really manic except for my desire to spend money (thank God we don't use credit cards). Nothing satisfies though and that is frustrating. Everything is so damn temporary.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


He is out weed-whacking and I just cleaned the house, pulled some weeds and took a shower. I have also eaten about nine small chocolate chip cookies and feel horrible about it. I think I will skip lunch.

My medication is from the devil I think. One makes me sweat constantly which is just unbearable and makes me not want to be seen by anyone. The others make me ravenously hungry so on top of the normal weight gain with these medicines I eat more than I should. I am keeping track of what I eat but have still gained about a pound in three weeks. Most of the medication is horribly sedating, I feel in a dream world almost constantly, my creativity is sapped, I sleep about eleven hours a night and still have to take a nap every single day; it's excruciating. I want to stop taking it all, I really truly do. Of course I am too smart (or too stupid) to do it without consulting my doctor. Lately though, we haven't had time to talk about it since so many issues have come up with my parents. Sometimes I feel like I am run through the mill in therapy, given a happy pill and left to fend for myself.

Yesterday I got so angry I wanted to cut my arms off. An old obsessive thought that actually hasn't come to mind for a few months. I almost cut myself in frustration. I'm so tired of not feeling. Even though I'm not depressed right now, I still can't feel a damn thing. Instead of cutting I cried and screamed which terrified the dogs,  and I threw my cell phone against the wall.

Sometimes I just feel so lonely and like no one can understand me. I feel like I am screaming at my doctor for help and nothing comes. I am saying: I am tired of being on medicine. I am saying: I can't feel anything still. I am saying: I'm done with my fucking parents. I am saying: can anyone see me?

Friday, March 26, 2010


Last May we were at Disneyland. This May we are going to be at Disneyland too, for almost the same dates. We just booked it and are rather excited. We are staying at the Disneyland hotel for five nights, kind of spoil-ish and fun. I need something to look forward to and this is a good thing.

Last night was bad. Yesterday was bad. I cried myself to sleep and reasoned that no body wants me and I am worthless. It sucked and I still feel pretty bad this morning. I just am really lonely. It has been a busy week and we didn't have much time together. At least it's the weekend.

In other news, I just for college. Yes it's a junior college but I am so close to getting my AA I'm just going to go for it. I am going to take maybe one class this Summer and two in the Fall. I'm hoping to take them all online so I don't have to have good days to do my work, I can do it whenever I feel up to it. We'll see how it goes.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

sour milk

"Ill take the road less traveled by
Thats what my father always said
Now he works in an office
With a whore in his bed

My mother sleeps alone at night
Dreaming of all her regret inside
I wanna tell her that I love her

Oh and if I could
I would've given her so much better
Cuz no don't you tell me that that man is my father
Oh just some hooded conceiver
Who tried really, really hard to please her.

So I'm returning to my gladness
When I was only ten
Playing football in the front yard
And sweating with my friends

I remember when I was thirteen
It was October something
I was standing on that front lawn listening.
That was the first time I heard you calling
As the sun was cooling down
And the moms were about to drive their kids around.

And they say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah"
And they say. "Blah, blah, blah"
They give us truth deceiving
I don't think thats truth at all

And they say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah"
And they say. "Blah, blah, blah"
They give us love thats leaving
I dont think thats love

Oh and the steeple people
Oh they're so happy not knowing you.
So boldly do they pervert your truth.

Oh did they think we wouldn't grow up
Did they think we couldn't throw back up
The sour milk they been pouring down out throats

Oh they have raised one pissed off generation
With kids that have to start taking care of them
Like hey mom get to work on time
And hey dad would you come home tonight
And the both of you stop drinking so much wine.

And they say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah"
And they say. "Blah, blah, blah"
They give us truth deceiving
I don't think thats truth at all

And they say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah"
And they say. "Blah, blah, blah"
They give us love thats leaving
I dont think thats love. "

-Wild Sweet Orange


The sky is glowing like a giant fluorescent light bulb, and I am down this morning. I forgot to make a plan for today last night. This leaves me lost. Part of me wants to laze around doing nothing, the other part wants to go out.

Ronald has been so busy with work I can't wait to have some time with him this weekend. I am sort of nervous about the weekend because I usually get so depressed and am not exactly sure why. I think some of it is my expectations of it being lush and romantic and fulfilling. This weekend we are going to work in the yard and paint some of the bathroom. I'm hoping we will have some time to go to dinner or something too.

We, or I, am debating whether we should go to Disneyland or get tattoos with some extra money we have. I really want both but we can't afford both. The one thing about Disneyland is that it will probably be our last time going without kids, on the other hand getting a tattoo would be good since we won't have money for them once we have a baby. I don't know what matters more, an experience or a life long meaningful mark on our skin. What do you think?

Our pantry doors are full of chalkboard paint. I have been scribbling notes all over them in white and pink chalk and love it! I can't wait to get our home equity line so we can really start fixing up the house.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

you said it all

I heart daffodils. The ones on the coffee table are young, hiding, half-opened bursts of yellow. Isabelle the shih tzu is still in bed. She usually sleeps in until ten. Amelia the labrador is sleeping by me. I bought them a brain teaser sort of game called "hide a squirrel". It's a fabric tree stump that you put plush squirrels into and the goal is to get the dog to find a way to pull them out (there are several holes in the stump), well Isabelle doesn't get it one bit and Amelia loves the tree stump, she runs around with it like it's her new favorite toy, totally defeating the purpose of the game. They are both pretty silly.

Today we are getting our house appraised in order to get a home equity line to fix the place up. I'm worried about it and spent all afternoon yesterday cleaning. Then I remember what this place looked like when we first moved in and how much it appraised for and breathe a sigh of relief. It looks so much better than it used to! Fingers crossed that we get the line of credit and can get renovating.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


He is in Irvine today teaching a class. We were going to go together and stop at Disneyland for a few days but decided against it to save money and so I wouldn't miss therapy. Now I wish we went. I miss him, even though he will be home tonight, just knowing he is so many miles away makes me sad. We are so connected all the time. he almost always comes home for lunch, he works from home when he can, and then when he is at work we are constantly emailing and texting. i like it. I like that we can't get enough of each other.

Today is therapy. I didn't go last week since we were out of town so we'll see how it goes. I am hoping to get off more medicine and maybe find a moment to talk about baby plans. With all this parent stuff going on that usually takes up all our time. I really don't like that.

Monday, March 22, 2010


I was down all weekend. I don't understand why I get so sad when I can do whatever I want and have him for company. I do feel really self conscious and shy when I am with him (or with anyone for that matter); I feel boring, dull, used up and empty. I struggle with finding meaningful things to say. I try to be interesting and to keep his attention and that doesn't always work. I guess it's no wonder I get so depressed. I have so many expectations of myself that I can't meet.

It makes me so sad because so much of the time I believe I am not what he wants, even though everything points to that being false. I know what I should think, what I should feel and believe, but I don't because I'm so used to being ignored and rejected like I was by my father. I'm not the typical girl who is even keeled, thin, talkative, career minded, beautiful, interesting. I am just me, just Catherine. And most of the time that feels like it will never be enough.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

out of hiding

I'm trying to be brave. Strong and brave and Catherine. It's hard when you are in the middle of a bad day/bad weekend/bad life. I'm melancholy down this morning fighting my morning demon with disheartening hollows and meager handfuls of pebbles.

I try to be brave but sometimes I go down into my rabbit hole and feel so cursed. Like I can never get over it ("it" being childhood). I so want to; I am gaining days where I can feel it seeping away from me but today it's here. Too close, breathing on my neck, I smell the stench of it. That old weeping gangrenous wound sitting next to me.

I try to be brave but sometimes I feel like such a burden. I imagine people pairing me in groups, viewing me as a responsibility rather than a person. An uncomfortable load on the back, a stitch in the side. There are only a few people I trust enough to lean on but I hate when people believe that I lean on them when I actually don't. They feel burdened just being friends with me, maybe that says something about them, maybe, more importantly, it says something about me.

I try to be brave and imagine myself as a mother. I wonder if I can do it. On good days I can, on bad days I could if I had to. I am not a person who takes responsibility lightly, maybe that is why I carry the least amount of responsibility possible, because I am so afraid of failing? I want to be a mummy, a good loving healthy mummy. I have this feeling, this peaceful sense that it will happen soon.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Last night we pulled our mattress out into the living room so Amelia couldn't jump on our bed while we slept and break open her stitches. Now our living room looks like some weird gigantic hospital room.

I'm so tired this morning and down. I don't know what to do today, I get down on days where I can't think of anything fun to do. I usually get down on the weekends when I have to stay home. Since we have to stay with Amelia this weekend there isn't much to look forward to. I just want to sleep. We might paint some of the house but we'll see. I need to clean, I need to craft but none of that sounds good.

Friday, March 19, 2010


This puppy is getting spayed today. We dropped her off this morning and I left the building like a worried mommy. I can't imagine how nerve-racking it must be having kids to worry about. We came home only to find that Isabelle threw up all over our white shag rug ruining it. Now the rug is in the trash and I'm trying to figure out a way we can get a replacement. Oh what an exciting life...

Ronald is off work today so we are going to run some errands soon. I'm tired from waking up at 5:45 after having a night of bad dreams. I woke at 2:30 and had my form of nighttime klonopin which is a strawberry pop tart and some fruit and vegetable juice. For some reason this always makes me feel better.

I'm feeling so-so today. Tired, nervous about Amelia, allergic to Spring, but ok.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


Drama continues. I am not left alone. My parents contact me and go back and forth on the things they say. They are so into themselves and they don't even realize it. They attack, they blame, they admit no fault of their own. It makes me understand even more how unhealthy they are and how good it is that I do not have a relationship with them.

I'm tired of thinking about these things. Yesterday was the first time that receiving a note from them didn't send me into my whirlwind-depression-tunnel.  It is great to be over it all. To see things as an adult, to be able to take a step back and rather than letting my emotions get huddled and muddled to just let it go.

Yesterday was a good day in spite of everything. Today is going to be good too, I've just decided on it. I need to give the dogs a bath, clean our poor wreck of a bedroom and do laundry. These aren't my favorite things to do but they need to get done.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


A little green for the blog to protect it from being pinched today. :) I don't know if I will wear green today, it feels so normal and I may want to be rebellious.

I'm feeling good this morning. The sun is so bright through the thin net curtains, we are home after groups of days away, I have red painted fingernails, I am feeling excited about the future.

I am getting over so many things. The main thing being my parents. They stood like boulders on my path to recovery and now I feel like I can look back at them rather than looking forward. My past doesn't have to dictate my future, they have no control over my life no matter what they do. I am still angry with them and sad but I feel like it doesn't affect my every moment like it has in the past. I have had so many depressed days from living in the past, from wandering through the little girl memories of abandonment, and rejection. This doesn't mean I won't have more depressed days, just that I have a better focus on the truth and I see that I have more control than I ever realized. I think my parents were the biggest thing in my way to recovery and part of me thinks I am getting through it.

If I continue to have more good days than bad for the next few months we are going to think about having a baby. It's so strange/exciting/wonderful. I feel ready, not totally ready, I don't think I will ever feel totally ready, but ready enough I think. I know it will be even more difficult for me since I'm bipolar but I think we can do it. It will be the most amazing/scary/magical/hard thing ever.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Escape artists

We are back from Yosemite. While Ronald taught his class this morning I camped in the car and walked around taking pictures. It was so nice to be cold and around things that are so insanely bigger than you. Made me feel so small, but not inadequate.

Now we are home with two sleepy spoiled dogs. I am uploading the 500 photographs I took on the trip and am lazing in pajamas. I couldn't sleep last night no matter how hard I tried, I kept waking up. So I'm tired now. I missed therapy today for Yosemite and feel ok about it, although with everything that has recently happened I wish I had a chance to go this week.

We had breakfast at the cafeteria at seven this morning, it smelled like eggs in there which is disgusting, and the coffee was free but very sour. I ate a lot of junk food (we had ice cream for dinner last night) but have still successfully cut out between 200-500 calories per day than what I used to eat.

I set up a routine and some baby plans on the drive up. Will post details tomorrow...

Monday, March 15, 2010


Once a year Ronald and I go to Yosemite to teach a safety class. We are leaving today for one night. I can't wait to take pictures, it's so beautiful there. Today I'm going to revise my life plan on the drive up and write it all out in my journal.

It was a weird-down weekend. I still feel down this morning. Last night I had a dream we had our baby. She was named Cosette and so adorable.

Now to packing and preparing for a quick get away.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


I'm feeling weird and sad today. I'm not quite sure why. It's the weekend and I always turn blue and pin-tucked on weekends. I just want to cry, I just think everything is falling apart.

I was feeling good for a few moments today. I read and drank coffee with him at Starbucks. On the way home we saw a newborn baby and talked about how I feel so-sort-of-ready to have one. If only I wasn't so tired and if only I could get through this sadness. I think I made some big steps last week but this weekend has been hard. With things with my mom coming up it has brought back all the pain and bitterness and I feel torn and guilty because although I am concerned about her, I don't feel any desire to reach out to her.

So I heard from my sister that my mom's cancer most likely not life threatening. She is going in for surgery soon to get it removed. Interesting that they didn't tell us it wasn't life threatening until we asked. Some moments I think they enjoy being vague and unthoughtful about things. Whether they know it or not, they are being manipulative.

We did talk about some steps I could take to prepare more for the baby. Things that will make me stronger like maybe taking some classes at school, getting in shape and getting into more of a routine. We'll see how it goes.

Friday, March 12, 2010


So my sister received an email from my dad yesterday telling her that my mom has skin cancer. He didn't send any details about how serious/non-serious it is. It's all kind of weird and I don't know what to think. On one hand I thought I would cry and have all these feelings of regret or remorse. I don't feel that at all. I feel just the same as before, but hope for the best for her sake.

At times I feel guilty for not feeling more towards her, but the truth is the truth and I don't feel much. I obviously don't wish any harm to her but I also feel very little connection to her. In some moments I think about how they perhaps believe that this will bring the family together and erase the past, the thing is that for the past few years I have been struggling so much, facing both emotional and physical death and that didn't bring our family together, instead it brought us further apart and most of that has been my parents choice to leave me here in the lurch.

I don't want to be bitter and vindictive about the whole thing, but right now I sort of am. Maybe this is selfish, but these are my genuine thoughts and feelings.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

"so fold your hand"

I feel lost this morning. I had weird dreams of being at an unemployment agency where they were going to help me with my depression. I tried to take a little rest this morning and as I closed my eyes the anxiety started. My heart rumbled and mind raced through vivid insidious possibilities. I'm scared. I think I'm going to cry.

Tomorrow we are going to the mountains to teach the cpr class again. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to talk to him, I hope I can think of things to say. Sometimes I just go blank and can't think of one damn thing worth talking about. I feel so boring.

Oh well, sometimes there are just bad days...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

young and old

I started scrapbooking at 6:30 this morning. I had this urgent need to make something. I made pages of our wedding day and pages of me as a baby. It was bitter sweet. I was a cute-eskimo-chubby-faced-almond-eyed little baby once. It made me sad to think of myself as a baby. The shy little girl just waiting for attention and love. Only to find it at eighteen, finally from him, the attention I always needed and deserved.

I don't know, I just feel sad this morning. Sad that so much of my life was blank and empty until him. Wonderful him who brought me to life and freedom, and out of my dreamland stupor.

Now I'm trying to find as much life as I can. Trying to enjoy the simple things. Creating, resting (finally resting away from that tense house I lived in for too long), loving, and slowly learning to be myself.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

dear one

Our dear sweet Renee has passed on. I don't really know what to say or think other than: sad. This family has been through so much and I don't quite know why. What I do know is that I love Renee and her family. I pray for rest for all of them. I pray that all those good a-to-z angels and goddesses she would write about every week are surrounding her right now.

Rest dear one, for you are home.


This is one of the pictures I bought at the antique store. It reminds me of Indiana Jones or of the gold rush.

It's a bright morning. The daffodils bloomed overnight breaking through their brown bulbous shells. I'm feeling ok. Last night I had dreams about earthquakes, tidal waves, and chemical burns. But now that is over and I'm about to start my day. First a workout, then therapy. Once I get home I'm going to rest and craft and enjoy the sunshine.

I feel weird/good this week. Sort of detached, sort of present, kind of conundrum-ish.  Since my last therapy session I have felt like my recovery is truly in my hands rather than in the control of my parents and the strange things they have done/will do. It's a good feeling. Now to get where I want to go.

Here are some things I'm doing:

I hope to lower more of my medication today and find a baseline of how I am doing so I can either get off medication all together or just be on the medication that I really need.

I'm going to get healthier physically. I have an application on my blackberry that keeps track of my exercise and eating. I'm trying to stick to 1600 calories a day.

I'm trying to get our house organized and put together so we can start painting and fixing things up. Next projects are the bathroom and dining room/kitchen.

I'm starting to immerse myself into my creativity. Scrap-booking, taking photos, painting, and writing.

I'm working on talking more and saying what I want. It's difficult because I get so stuck in my past and old habits so I have to be really focused.

Yesterday I was talking to my sister about how since I don't work I don't see myself reaching small goals as much or get feedback on how I'm doing. I'm going to ask Ronald for a "yearly review" on how I am doing compared to last year, what I am doing well and what I can improve on.

Sunday, March 7, 2010


Yesterday Shannon and I went thrifting and antiquing. Our best deal was two vintage sweaters and a vintage dress along with six books for $5.00 total! I also bought an antique horse figurine, a vase, a scrapbook full of vintage photographs, some fabric, and a brass bird. I will post pictures of my finds tomorrow.

The sun is shining through the curtains making me squint as I look out at the clouds and our pale tree. It's Sunday and I'm not sure what we are going to do today. I think we will go on a little lunch date and then replace my cell phone which has been acting possessed lately.

Yesterday I got an Alice and Wonderland dream journal. I'm interested to start keeping track of my dreams and to see what comes of it. I also got two books on meditation, one about slowing down during hard times and getting through. 

I'm feeling ok this morning. Kind of melancholy that it's already Sunday, but hanging in. I'm excited to have a day with him.

Friday, March 5, 2010

double post

Today started out hopeful but has landed now in a gray-clay-slump. He came home to take care of me and I took a two hour nap. I took a shower and spent an hour getting ready, doing things slowly, unhappy with how it all turned out. It looks like someone took old vanilla frosting and spread it all over the sky, it is so dark. I wish it were bedtime.

I wish I had more friends who lived close who could take me out and cheer me up during the day when I'm sad (this is slightly selfish I think). I feel very isolated and alone and friends are hard to find. All my friends work during the day so other than email there is no way to connect.

Some days when he is teaching somewhere moderately far away I feel it, that sinking fear feeling that I am all alone. Most of the time I enjoy being alone. Especially on my good days. I can be creative, let my guard down, sing songs off key, bake and cook random messes, and read all with no interruptions. It's really exactly what I want other than having some cute little babies making trouble for me.

I had a pretty good week, it had to end sometime.


Ronald and me, aka- Ronald and I (fuck you grammar): Yesterday he told me how much he loves my talking, even when it is about face cream (which I was talking about at the time), it made me so excited and meant so much to me to see how much he likes me. I have stopped talking a lot because I'm too shy and don't want to be annoying or get in trouble but I'm going to try to change that. In other news on the love front-- everything I do creative these days seems to have something to do with love. Love-note filled scrapbook, heart shaped toys for the pups, red paintings. I can't help it, I'm just crazy about that boy.

Medication: Since my Lamictal has been reduced I can feel a slight increase in energy and I'm definitely less sedated.  I was actually able to exercise yesterday, and I am in a very creative mood which is rare for me lately. I hope I can get off Lamictal all together.

Anger issues: I had dreams about my parents last night. Luckily these dreams have sort of started to slow down and aren't every night. On Tuesday we put it together that my mom sent the rotten voicemail where she said I can't call them mom and dad right before my birthday and on my birthday they sent me an email saying how much they "celebrate me", it upsets me to see how two faced they can be. It makes me understand why I see things in extremes. Either everything is amazing or everything is horrible; you are totally good or totally bad; the world is magical or evil.  No wonder I felt so tense as a child, our home was volatile.

Weekend: Tonight I am hanging out with my sister. Tomorrow her and I are going antique/thrift shopping, then to a beer tasting with our boys. Sunday either the zoo or some sort of date, I'm hoping it's sunny enough so we can go to the park where we got married to take pictures.

House: I am picking paint colors and searching for artwork for the house. Paint colors include buttery yellow, turquoise, ice blue, chalk board painted pantry doors, and dark green/grey for the outside. I can't wait to get started. I have fallen in love with Home Depot.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

last year

This photograph was taken last March. We were at a hardcore show. We only had Amelia for a month and a half. I was one size smaller. I was making my first quilt. We were addicted to rock band. We painted the bedroom. I was on less medication. I was feeling rotten.

This March we don't have any photographs together. I'm feeling up and down like a seesaw swing. I'm on more medicine and trying to reduce it. We are planning on painting more of the house soon. We feel too old for concerts. We are going to get more tattoos.

Last night I cut my hair to all hell. It's not really shorter, just thinner and layered. I like it. It looks much more rock and roll and edgy. I will post a picture tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I don't want to say anything. I don't know what to say. It's a rain filled morning and I'm thinking about things. I feel ready to move on from my parents, in a real way. I need to stop allowing their actions or lack of actions affect me. I am angry at them and that is ok. I should be, considering everything that has happened. And so that is what I am: angry, yet determined. Determined to get over them and to get through this.

I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of letting my parents and my past make me depressed. I need to face these feelings and get through them rather than just getting melancholy and letting it steep and fester. I also need to figure out what I think about things. Not what I think I am supposed to think, not what others want me to think, but honestly what I think. I need to figure out who I want to be, how I want to live and what I like.

Here are some things:

1. I want to live a creative life and make things all the time, I don't want to work unless I have to or really want to.

2. I want to be a mother. A creative, loving, attentive mother.

3. I want to be vulnerable with the people I can trust.

4. I want to be a spiritual person. Not necessarily a Christian, or someone who fits in a box, but someone who is in touch with spiritual things.

5. I want to get over my enormous fear of mathematics.

6. I want to be a cook and a baker.

7. I want to be a loving person who genuinely cares for people.

8. I want to show my love for Ronald better and continue to grow in our relationship.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


Here are my new glasses. I'm kind of a mess in this picture with pjs on and messy hair but you get the idea. I'm going for the whole nerdy-librarian look. What do you think?

Yesterday was a good day. I got out of the house early and went to a few appointments, had lunch with Ronald and got a lot of things done. I can't wait to have more days like this and energy.

Today is therapy--thank God. I'm not necessarily looking forward to it but I know I need it. I need to get some things to look forward to. I need to continue to let myself cry. I need to get off more of this damn-sedating medication. I'm so tired all the time it makes me want to cry.

Things I'm looking forward to in the near future:

Talk time with Ronald
Getting tattoos
Training Amelia to walk on a leash
Craft projects
Choosing paint colors for the house
Doing home projects
Not having to take naps all the time

Monday, March 1, 2010


Last night I watched Snow White and cried. I watched the vintage pictures wash across the screen and the tears fell. It was just a little cry, but a cry nonetheless. I need to cry more, I need to take time every night to let my guard down and be vulnerable. I have so much pain and sadness inside me but I am so good at stuffing it.

I'm realizing some things. For example: I need to take more walks. For example: I need to stop drinking every night. It tastes so good but makes me so depressed and grumpy, I don't know why I keep doing it. I think I am going to only have one drink this week and see how that goes.

Today is a doctors appointment, getting my eyes checked, and then grocery shopping. I hope this day goes by fast because I'm not looking forward to any of it.