moving time

My blog has moved: find me here!

I'm still getting used to typepad but am happy with the move so far, farewell blogger...

"So let's cause a scene"

I was thinking of switching over to typepad. More options and it may be easier to use then blogger. I also like that people can leave comments without being signed in. The thing is it costs $14.95 a month, I guess that isn't much considering that I blog every day. We'll see...

Lately though I have been having problems uploading pictures and such, it has to do partly with our internet (which is a "dog from hell") and also blogger has been screwing up in general. It's frustrating and adding to my general cranky-malaise this morning.

Our bedroom is a disaster. Clean and dirty clothes scattered everywhere, it's dusty, I need to vacuum, and the bedding is of course full of dog hair. Today I'm going to try to clean everything, there is something about the room that I don't like and I'm not sure what it is, I'm going to try to figure it out and change it today.

Ok, now I'm going to play around with typepad and see what I think. Have a good weekend!

Silent as the grave

I woke up at 6:20 this morning after a jittery night of sleep following a night of drinking one too many margaritas. I'm tired now.

I'm a quiet girl, so quiet about some things that sometimes I don't even know they exist. I feel moderately down today, I also received an email from my mom. I don't know what I have to do to express to them that I don't want any contact. I guess sending their previous letter back in the mail unopened, didn't get my message across. Even after sending them several emails and letters asking for no contact they don't respect my wishes. They tromp on my wishes like so much sand. It's always been that way and they have never seen it. They "feel" like they love me, but if you think about it, especially considering my dad, they don't do anything to show it. In fact, they often do quite the opposite.

I guess I just get frustrated because they don't understand. I'm sure they think I am their crazy illogical daughter who is lashing out for no reason. Even though I have told them the reasons straight to their face. That is why I don't communicate with them anymore, it was too difficult for me and they didn't listen anyway. They had no desire to change, they "felt" like they wanted to change, but when it came down to actually making the changes necessary, they didn't do it.

I think I need to block their email address. But I guess I hold onto this secret hope that one day they will write me an email that actually means something, a message that they really want to change. I don't know how that message will look, but I want to keep an opening so I don't have to accept the fact that I will never have parents. I don't know if that is healthy or unhealthy. The little girl inside me still wants parents.

working at it

This scary looking stuffed cat is something I bought off of etsy, my absolute favorite website. I love his little banner.

Yesterday I did nothing but sleep. I felt numb, tired, alone. I decided today would be a better day no matter what. That I would set out some things to do to keep me up and moving. So I'm going to clean the house (which is a poor sad mess these days), and go to the pharmacy. It's sunny this morning which always helps me feel better.

Ok, I need to get started...wish me luck.

darkness

It's black and grey outside this morning. I'm on the couch with the two insanely sleepy puppies and missing Ronald. I'm watching Julie and Julia for the first time which is really one of the most adorable movies. Makes me want to cook even more and read My Life in France by Julia Child.

Therapy was hard yesterday. I left about ten minutes early because I couldn't stop crying. We talked about how self-conscious I am and how I have been that way since I was a little girl. I remember feeling horrible about my size since I was about three years old. That is not normal. I want to cry about it now still. I feel so full of pain about the whole thing. I just feel awful.

I'm still so tired. I know I keep complaining about it but I really suspect I may be going into a depression. I'm sad, I'm tired, blank, and feeling emotionally flat.

sleepy-doo

I'm still so tired. I really, really, really want to go back to bed. I really don't want to go to therapy either. Sometimes I feel like life creeps by whether I'm in it or not, so why be in it when I can be hiding in bed?

I'm just down this morning.

"I won't cry when the silver lining shows"

Two posts in one day. I am just exhausted. Two naps down, Ronald is home with me and I feel like a robotic drone of a person. I tried to draw (I only know how to draw small flowers and primitive looking birds), I tried to craft, I tried to clean but our kitchen faucet broke.

All your blogs are so inspiring to me. I read and think of each one of you every day and often times worry about you. I find myself feeling guilty when things are going somewhat ok for me and I see things going so horribly for some of you. I know that is worthless guilt, but sometimes it gets to me. I just wish and hope things get better for you all.

I was posting a comment on dear Shen's blog and her post brought up so many things for me about family. I remember going to my brothers wedding when we weren't talking, my parents had just come to meet with me and my therapist and things seemed to be improving. During the reception when the father dances with the bride I began absolutely sobbing, I left the reception and sat in a hallway with Ronald. The caterers came over to me to see if I was ok. Then my dad came walking out and gave me a hug. An empty worthless hug. A hug that made me realize things would never work out, especially since I had lacked that kind of attention from him my entire life. Sometimes things can't be made up, sometimes the damage is done.

When they came out to meet with my T, my dad asked me to lunch the following day; it was an empty worthless lunch, where he ordered a beer which I just hated. The problem and the reason our relationship didn't work out was because they weren't willing to understand or try, they went through the motions and thought that was good enough. Thought that I wouldn't see through their thin veneer and realize that they are the same broken people who tried to scare me into staying with them forever.

"let me get what I want this time"

I just got home from running some errands. There were so many women in track suits it was a little scary. I went to Trader Joe's, one of my favorite stores and was so excited as to how cheap milk was there, yes, I'm weird.

Last night my sister and I went to our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. The owners know me and made me a small noodle bowl of what I usually order just because. It was so sweet. I just love that place. We did some shopping and I found a dress for $7 and a hoodie for $3. Oh bargains, how I love thee.

I'm tired. I slept so-so last night but still woke up exhausted and took an hour nap after breakfast. I'm feeling ok these days. I have had so much creative energy but not the inspiration I used to have in writing. I think I write better when I'm depressed and melancholy, I like to write about dark things and when I'm not in a dark place my writing sort of disappears. Kind of disappointing.

Now to crafting, cleaning and cooking tonight. I'm a bit obsessive about cooking and cleaning these days, but I'm enjoying it so I guess there is nothing wrong with it.

random

We are at Starbucks in Pleasant Hill.

We just had lunch at Rubios (yummy baja/mexican food), and in a bit we are going to see Greenberg, a movie with Ben Stiller.

I'm tired and once again didn't get a good nights sleep.

I'm drinking iced coffee that is too sweet and wishing I was wearing jeans instead of a skirt.

Today is an official day off and that feels great. It has been a while since we have had a day to ourselves.

I'm tired.

We have been watching The Lord of the Rings and nerding out. We also recently bought a flip hd camcorder and have been making videos about our rather geeky life.

This Starbucks is rather beepy.

We are going to Washington this month.

Amelia's new habit is trying to sleep on the absolute middle of the bed squishing me incessantly. She recently jumped on the counter and ate a brownie which I assume she loved.

We are going to Disneyland for Ronald's birthday.

I bought a laptop bag with a screen-print of a scene from The Royal Tenenbaums on it.

I think we have one of the coziest beds in the world.

The end.

thumbs

Yes I am growing herbs, and yes, I haven't killed them yet. Yes it is 3 am, and yes, I am blogging. The last three nights I have woke at 3 and not been able to fall back to sleep for at least an hour. It's really frustrating. Tonight I'm denying my pop tart comfort, I'm tired of eating for oh so many reasons.

I look horrible these days. I never ever ever thought I would be a "fat" person. Maybe this is just 3 am thinking. I wish I had more motivation to take better care of myself but I'm so fucking exhausted emotionally trying to stay afloat. I'm having one of those "why me?" moments. Why do I have to struggle so hard to be "cute", to be healthy both physically and emotionally?

I'm sick of taking pills, I'm sick of being so tired, I'm sick of 3 am wanderings.

"treat her like a baby doll"

Cleaning is hard and tiring, especially when you are waking up all hours of the night so anxious and in great need of a pop tart. I know eating pop tarts in the middle of the night is a bad habit, but it's better than popping klonopin.

We just got approved for an equity line of credit to fix up our house. I'm so excited to have some money to do the work that needs to get done! Our home appraised for $640,000. We bought it for $550,000 about a year and a half ago. With the housing market crash that was especially strong in the bay area, we are shocked that the house actually appreciated in value. I feel like quite a lucky duck.

On May 4th Ronald has to go out of town overnight. I'm fine with him flying (most of the time), but a night without him will be hard. I think it's because my dad would leave for 6 months at a time in the military and when he came back he was never the same and treated me differently. I'm afraid the same thing will happen with Ron. That he will come back and not love me. I know it's silly but I'm still nervous and expecting the old pattern to repeat. That feeling of abandonment, not just physical but more importantly emotional has stuck with me like a nail in my flesh. I will get through it though, this is a good step in my search for more independence.

fading

The roses are turning brown and curling as the petals loosen and droop. It's a cloudy dark morning, I couldn't sleep last night, I feel like my petals are starting to droop.

In therapy I sort of broke down, we were talking about the truth and starting tearing into every aspect of my life and it was just too much for me. I don't face some of my feelings a lot of times because I am too full of shame and guilt. I am torn because my T believes that no thought or feeling can be bad or wrong, the only thing that can be bad or wrong are your actions. I guess on one hand I totally believe that, but on the other hand I think thoughts can be really destructive especially internally. I learned this as I couldn't sleep most of the night, I felt like my thoughts were eating me up and I had no one to turn to other than my T. So I turned to Ronald, someone who is always there for me.

One thing I realized in the night is there is nothing I want to keep from Ronald. He is my best friend, he is my person, and most of the time he is the only reason I am still here. He always takes care of me and helps me and is always understanding. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he just gets me, and that is a good feeling. I often times don't give him enough credit, I often only think about his flaws, his mistakes and forget all the wonderful things about him. I want to do better.

I'm frustrated therapy wise because once again we didn't get an opportunity to talk about medication and reducing it. I feel like I really have to push the topic, like if I have a bad therapy day the choice is made that we can't reduce my meds when really I have been doing well overall. I feel like he only sees one piece of the picture, not the whole thing. I have been keeping track of my moods online and realize how steady they have been over the last month or so and that gives me hope.

self-discovery part 2: likes and dislikes

Likes: creating things, shopping, chocolate, connecting with people, puppies, keeping a house, being introspective, writing, Ronald, decorating, flowers, fashion, my glasses, music, my laptop, learning, photography, sex (something I was told I shouldn't like), cooking, candles, booze, being alone, magazines, reading, baking, the way the sun shines through the curtains in the morning, jazz, being connected, the beach, our house, naps.

dislikes: eggs, expectations, my unquenchable desire to fit in, the idea of having a career, depression, being "mentally ill", black and white thinking, fighting, confrontation, saying what I want, making all the decisions,  Christianity in general, my nose, how much work our house needs, not being myself, my weight, my skin, my quick drop into suicidal thinking, seafood, pressure, anger, my parents, cleaning the bathrooms, hot days, side effects, taking pills, headaches, feeling disconnected, being ignored, being overlooked, feeling unimportant, having no reason to be here.

Self-discovery part 1: Habits

I am trying to figure out who I am, this is a slow process and kind of exciting but at the same time scary. I am going to analyze myself in some of my upcoming posts. 

I have bad habits: I crack my knuckles, I drink diet soda, I sleep too much, I don't clean like I should, I'm obsessive about washing my hair, I watch tv while falling asleep, I eat dessert nearly every night, I recite what I'm going to say in my head before speaking, I drink alcohol even though those little pill bottles tell me I shouldn't, I don't take care of my nails, I grind my teeth I dye my hair, I go to sleep with makeup on some nights, I bite my tongue and cheeks, I withhold what I really think about things, I try too hard to fit in.

I have good habits: I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, I drink mineral water, I take prenatal vitamins, I create things, I take my pills like clockwork, I use aromatherapy lotion while falling asleep, I'm obsessive about washing my hair, I eat breakfast, I keep a blog, I don't drink a lot of coffee, I'm eating healthier, I genuinely care about most people, I am open about my life most of the time.

"that was the first time I heard you calling"

I'm in our cozy Chrysler 300 waiting while Ronald teaches a class at a pool supply store. It's overcast and it smells like the rotten meal they feed cows. I'm tired and thinking about things.

I've been sort of melancholy and introspective the past few days. Listening to sad relatable music, thinking about childhood, thinking about the way I feel about myself, thinking about how much medicine changes me into something I'm not.

I feel numb, distant, and tired on so many pills. I know we are working towards getting me off the meds but that is just to get pregnant and then I will probably return to my droned robot-like existence. This makes me so sad. I think about how many days I have gone with not being myself, either being too depressed, or too numbed to give a shit. I have to choose the lesser of two evils and right now I don't know which is which.

I started taking medicine because I didn't want to live anymore, now I feel like I'm not living because I'm on so much medicine. Which is better? At least now I have a desire to live, but that could be the medicine talking. What if I'm not supposed to be here? What if I should have died a long time ago? Which thoughts are mine, which thoughts are mere chemicals? Where is my soul? What if I have somehow fucked up fate? All these questions race through my mind.

I miss my bed

We are in Tulare, also known as the middle of fucking no where. We woke up at 3:30 this morning and were on the road by 4:30 driving to Hanford to teach a class. Tomorrow we have another class for a pool supply company. I will wait in the car and read and write while Ronald teaches.

Right now we are in the lounge drinking and playing on our computers. There is a guy in front of a cheese plate stuffing his face and talking so loud. He is talking absolute nonsense.

I'm feeling ok this morning. I'm good at toughing it out when I need to and staying strong. But really, I feel rather self-conscious and horrible about myself at the moment.

I'm on my second drink and missing home and the puppies...

"just tie the rope, and kick the chair, just leave me hanging there gasping for air..."

I feel vast and ghastly. In spite of losing six pounds, I think I look worse than ever. It's so frustrating, I am completely unappealing, double chinned, and thick. I cried about this last night and he said "you're pretty" and I rolled my eyes.

It's so hard not being what you want to be or think you should be and feeling all this pressure on your shoulders to be that thing. Sometimes I feel like the pressure is so strong I am going to suddenly drill into the ground.

I really don't know who I am or who I want to be, I just know I want to be lovable and gorgeous and something I'm entirely not. I need to exercise today but don't want to in order to protest this image of perfection I somehow have to meet up to, self imposed mostly. This is all black and white thinking...

the truth

Yesterday I had some realizations in therapy. My doctor looked through my file and read my blog and came up with some notes. He discovered a common theme through them all that we talked about. The theme is that I don't have my own truth. I know this sounds horribly cliche' and Oprah, but in an actual sense it is quite true. I am like a little blob with no form and no truth. It's like I am floating around in a stream with nothing to grasp onto for stability. I need to figure out what I think about things, what I believe and who I am. My doctor told me I need to get to my raw self, my true self. This is sort of exciting/scary.

A lot of times I feel like I know where I need to be, I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there. I feel like I am on one side of a river and the things I want are on the other and there is no way across the river. This is so frustrating, but I think this whole truth thing will help me find the way.

anxiety

I woke up in the throes of anxiety. I know exactly why (we just lowered some of my medication), but it's still scary. I look at this tree and instead of seeing something beautiful, I see something frightening and foreboding, the prickly branches exploding against the sky. 

I'm scared and practically certain that if Ronald isn't dead yet, he will die at some point today. Also, that I will get in a bloody car crash on the way to therapy this morning and that our dogs will break their legs just walking around the house. It's horrible that when I am anxious I have this strange feeling that I can tell the future.

kids

I grew up around kids. From twelve to fourteen I helped my mom run an in-home daycare,  When I was sixteen I worked at a daycare center full time for a few months, I also volunteered at my church for about three years doing childcare, so I am really comfortable around kids. I was a little nervous meeting my nephew Sam and curious as to whether all my kid experience would come back. Well, it did and I feel perfectly comfortable around him and more confident in my ability to be a mother.

Of course having a baby around makes me want to a. either steal Sam :), or b. become a mother even earlier than planned. But I know these are just my motherly emotions coming out and that we are on the right track.

All in all though, I love being an auntie. My niece and nephew are the two sweetest kids on earth!

new craft space

Last week we moved my craft table into the dining room. I love it and have been using it a lot more. I can't wait until our dining room is painted the icy blue color we picked out. The trouble is finding people who can texture the walls for a reasonable price...

It's Easter and I don't quite know what to think about it. I do believe that Jesus rose from the dead, but certainly not for me. I guess I just assume that all this God stuff is so undeserved by me that it doesn't apply. I know that is supposed to be the beauty of God, but right now I can't see that. I grew up in such a legalistic home with such a legalistic view of God that seeing someone I don't need to pay penance to is difficult.

Ronald's brother Chris, his wife Carmen and their kids Samuel and Delany are in town. We spent the evening with them and it was so nice. The kids are adorable, Dela is so grown up (yesterday was her fifteenth birthday), and Sam is so smart and such a little man at 20 months. They are planning on moving down here from Washington in July. I can't wait!

wild sweet orange

I am in love with this band right now...it's raining and I'm listening to their album intently for the second time today alone. They sing:

Its been a long time for you darling, running from that house in the hills.
Where your parents still lay obsessing over the dust on the ceiling fans.
And did they do the same to you, child?
Did they lock you behind you door?
When they whispered their darkest secrets, saying, "I don't love you anymore."

Amen.

paper tiger

It's one of those mornings where you think God put all the grey clouds in a jar and brought them to your doorstep. It's so dark outside, I feel almost like it's bedtime. And here I am cold, trying to wake up and stay positively charged.

We have air conditioning. Of course with our twist-turn kind of luck we also found out that our ducts need to be replaced, something we will do eventually. But I am so happy to have a/c! No more blazing hot Summers.

Tomorrow Ronald's brother, his wife and our niece and nephew are coming to town for Easter. I can't wait to see them and spoil the kids! I'm sure I will take about a million pictures too.

book love part two

Books I am reading:
Strength in the Storm by Eknath Easwaran. The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova. East of the Sun by Julia Gregson.

Books I am planning on reading:
The Journals of Allen Ginsberg. Understanding Your Moods When You are Expecting by Lucy Puryear. Bipolar and Pregnant by Kristin Finn. I Love You, Ronnie the letters from Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan.  Shanghai Girls by Lisa See.

tunnels

I'm a little melancholy this morning. I think because I drank a little too much last night. I didn't get drunk, just too tipsy. I hate that alcohol is a depressant and think I need to stop drinking all together. I think I rely on it too much to relax and with all the medication I'm on it isn't the healthy thing to do.

We are getting air conditioning installed today. This house has gone for 48 years without a/c and now it is finally time to bring it into the current century.

So a few goals:

Read the bipolar pregnancy books I bought

Journal more

Start repeating my mantra to myself when I am stressed

Stop drinking