One Klonopin down this morning and I'm frustrated and tired. I would love to just have one normal day, is that too much to ask? A day where I could wake up and get out of bed without a battle, I could enjoy eating breakfast rather than seeing it as a step to being able to swallow my six morning pills. I wish I had the energy to take a walk, to take a shower without having to force and discipline myself into doing it as if I were a little child. To be able to go out places without being scared something horrible will happen.
I wish I could get out of the mire of our messy house and have things clean for once, not for the sake of being clean, but so we could live comfortably. It seems like I can never get things done. The laundry is never ending, I move the mess from one room to another and don't know what to do with it.
I feel stuck, trapped, like the air is being sucked out of me, in quicksand, falling to the bottom of the sea. Really I've been dealing with this for much too long. Really this is pissing me off.
I go to therapy and we talk about it all. All this dependency, all this fear, all this not-being-allowed-to-say-no-when-you-were-a-kid-so-now-you-are-ruined bullshit. Oh it's so frustrating. How Mother held onto you so tight that you never realized you were an individual, how this has led you into symbiotic relationships with those closest to you, more like leech-y relationships where I take more than I give. Then the fear she fed you in sugar-coated spoon fulls of how evil and dangerous the world is. How all men want is sex and will even rape for it if they have to, how you are not safe, you are not normal, you "being born a woman and distressed". You are a home-schooled girl with no friends and an absolute lack of a teacher or support system.
So I'm angry, frustrated, sinking, dumped out, my parents threw me out like and old piece of garbage-resentfully and with no thought of the consequences. I'm lucky I had support otherwise that could have taken me down to the absolute pit, something I'm sure never once crossed their mind. As I know, and know well, all they see is themselves. I'm trying to get to a place where I can see them and not resent and hate them so much. But God is that hard, maybe one day I will be able to have pity for them. So much of the time I feel like the parent in the situation, trying to understand them, trying to be the grown up in the situation. I hate this because it shouldn't be my job. I am their child, it shouldn't be the other way around.
Catherine you are right it isn't your job it was theres.
ReplyDeleteNow though maybe the only job you need is to love you and your man.
That is all you need to do today. Love you and your man.
I wish I could take it away from you too.
Love Renee xoxo
Dear Catherine, I've been reading in your blog (thanks for following mine!) and I am so reminded of myself 14 years ago. My family situation was not easy growing up (that's putting it mildly) and in my mid to late 20's I suffered from a deep depression even though I had a loving husband at my side and my life really was good on the outside. But on the inside I was such a mess, there was such sadness and chaos.
ReplyDeleteAll this to say that at some point, I found my happiness that is unshakable, I put myself first and now the bad times are not much more than a distant memory. Not only am I happy, but I am incredibly strong because of all I went through. And if it was possible for me, I know it's possible for you!
I am sorry you are right in the middle of this. I remember how overwhelming that kind of sadness and anxiety can feel! I feel for you, I cheer you on, and send you lots of love! Silke
Renee, you are right. I just need to focus on the day to day and loving those around me and letting go of the past.
ReplyDeleteSilke,
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading my blog. :) Your words are really encouraging to me. To know someone has gone through something similar and has not only survived, but has found happiness gives me hope.
xox, Catherine