Saturday, April 24, 2010

moving time

My blog has moved: find me here!

I'm still getting used to typepad but am happy with the move so far, farewell blogger...

"So let's cause a scene"

I was thinking of switching over to typepad. More options and it may be easier to use then blogger. I also like that people can leave comments without being signed in. The thing is it costs $14.95 a month, I guess that isn't much considering that I blog every day. We'll see...

Lately though I have been having problems uploading pictures and such, it has to do partly with our internet (which is a "dog from hell") and also blogger has been screwing up in general. It's frustrating and adding to my general cranky-malaise this morning.

Our bedroom is a disaster. Clean and dirty clothes scattered everywhere, it's dusty, I need to vacuum, and the bedding is of course full of dog hair. Today I'm going to try to clean everything, there is something about the room that I don't like and I'm not sure what it is, I'm going to try to figure it out and change it today.

Ok, now I'm going to play around with typepad and see what I think. Have a good weekend!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Silent as the grave

I woke up at 6:20 this morning after a jittery night of sleep following a night of drinking one too many margaritas. I'm tired now.

I'm a quiet girl, so quiet about some things that sometimes I don't even know they exist. I feel moderately down today, I also received an email from my mom. I don't know what I have to do to express to them that I don't want any contact. I guess sending their previous letter back in the mail unopened, didn't get my message across. Even after sending them several emails and letters asking for no contact they don't respect my wishes. They tromp on my wishes like so much sand. It's always been that way and they have never seen it. They "feel" like they love me, but if you think about it, especially considering my dad, they don't do anything to show it. In fact, they often do quite the opposite.

I guess I just get frustrated because they don't understand. I'm sure they think I am their crazy illogical daughter who is lashing out for no reason. Even though I have told them the reasons straight to their face. That is why I don't communicate with them anymore, it was too difficult for me and they didn't listen anyway. They had no desire to change, they "felt" like they wanted to change, but when it came down to actually making the changes necessary, they didn't do it.

I think I need to block their email address. But I guess I hold onto this secret hope that one day they will write me an email that actually means something, a message that they really want to change. I don't know how that message will look, but I want to keep an opening so I don't have to accept the fact that I will never have parents. I don't know if that is healthy or unhealthy. The little girl inside me still wants parents.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

working at it

This scary looking stuffed cat is something I bought off of etsy, my absolute favorite website. I love his little banner.

Yesterday I did nothing but sleep. I felt numb, tired, alone. I decided today would be a better day no matter what. That I would set out some things to do to keep me up and moving. So I'm going to clean the house (which is a poor sad mess these days), and go to the pharmacy. It's sunny this morning which always helps me feel better.

Ok, I need to get started...wish me luck.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


It's black and grey outside this morning. I'm on the couch with the two insanely sleepy puppies and missing Ronald. I'm watching Julie and Julia for the first time which is really one of the most adorable movies. Makes me want to cook even more and read My Life in France by Julia Child.

Therapy was hard yesterday. I left about ten minutes early because I couldn't stop crying. We talked about how self-conscious I am and how I have been that way since I was a little girl. I remember feeling horrible about my size since I was about three years old. That is not normal. I want to cry about it now still. I feel so full of pain about the whole thing. I just feel awful.

I'm still so tired. I know I keep complaining about it but I really suspect I may be going into a depression. I'm sad, I'm tired, blank, and feeling emotionally flat.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I'm still so tired. I really, really, really want to go back to bed. I really don't want to go to therapy either. Sometimes I feel like life creeps by whether I'm in it or not, so why be in it when I can be hiding in bed?

I'm just down this morning.

Monday, April 19, 2010

"I won't cry when the silver lining shows"

Two posts in one day. I am just exhausted. Two naps down, Ronald is home with me and I feel like a robotic drone of a person. I tried to draw (I only know how to draw small flowers and primitive looking birds), I tried to craft, I tried to clean but our kitchen faucet broke.

All your blogs are so inspiring to me. I read and think of each one of you every day and often times worry about you. I find myself feeling guilty when things are going somewhat ok for me and I see things going so horribly for some of you. I know that is worthless guilt, but sometimes it gets to me. I just wish and hope things get better for you all.

I was posting a comment on dear Shen's blog and her post brought up so many things for me about family. I remember going to my brothers wedding when we weren't talking, my parents had just come to meet with me and my therapist and things seemed to be improving. During the reception when the father dances with the bride I began absolutely sobbing, I left the reception and sat in a hallway with Ronald. The caterers came over to me to see if I was ok. Then my dad came walking out and gave me a hug. An empty worthless hug. A hug that made me realize things would never work out, especially since I had lacked that kind of attention from him my entire life. Sometimes things can't be made up, sometimes the damage is done.

When they came out to meet with my T, my dad asked me to lunch the following day; it was an empty worthless lunch, where he ordered a beer which I just hated. The problem and the reason our relationship didn't work out was because they weren't willing to understand or try, they went through the motions and thought that was good enough. Thought that I wouldn't see through their thin veneer and realize that they are the same broken people who tried to scare me into staying with them forever.