A few things

I have spurts of energy where I can do things I want like take care of the house. There is something about a pretty and organized house that is so comforting to me. I've redecorated the living room, cleaned my craft room and simplified my nightstand (in a promise of better sleep that never arrived). I tried to make things easier, more inspiring, more artsy. I love this milk glass fruit bowl that I got from my mother-in-law for Christmas. I also love my new camera (which I will post a picture of soon). It's so fancy and takes the best pictures. I feel like I can really express myself with it.

I'm trying to stay hopeful/positive today despite my colluding doctors appointment which is coming at eleven this morning. I'm not going to wear makeup (no reason to wear something you are just going to cry off), I may not even do my hair, I may just wear sweatpants. My new thing is looking disheveled. I usually run errands in jeans and a hoodie before taking a shower with my hair a wreck, and my day old mascara smudged around my face. I figure I feel like a mess, why should I try to hide it? Maybe this is a bad omen as to how lax I've become, or maybe this is a more honest version of me.

The wrecking ball is swinging incredibly close to me these days. I am so afraid to go to sleep every night. I hate it. Each day is a step closer to death, each day is a step closer to the things I dread.