I'm trying to have a good day. It's hard when you wake up at 6:20 imagining your hubby will die in a brutal rain driven car crash. It's hard when the house is a mess because your two dogs ruined it while you were gone yesterday. It's hard when you don't have the will for anything.
I'm totally censoring what I say because my psychiatrist is going to read this. I want to seem artistic, interesting and not as fucked up as I actually am.
I'm tired of being strong, but that is the only option I have right now. There is no other choice and I feel stuck in it. My lungs fill with mud and I can't breathe anymore. I'm so horribly sad, broken, I can't find the words. I used to chant to myself "how long, how long, how long?" I used to write pages and pages of those words, that was six years ago and the demon is still here. In the back of my eyelids he creeps and dwells like a god. It all comes out of me like throw up, all these dank childhood memories, old and withered, seep into me like tea in water and fill me up with so much mourning I feel like I can't move. Frozen in space, I try to act normal.
It seems to me that you ARE artistic and interesting - don't sell yourself short. You know how I go on and on about your photos...:) I'm sure you psychiatrist sees that AND the other stuff going on with you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like your thoughts are sort of thinking you at the moment and running away with your emotions reliving the same things over and over. I hope you'll be able to find a combination of meds that can help quiet that a little, so you can have some mental peace and maybe create a little corner where tiny little cheerful and confident thoughts can take root and start growing.
You deserve so much to be happy! And loved! And peaceful! And creative! And fulfilled! And light-hearted! All of that is possible no matter what our past! If it was possible for me, it's definitely possible for you!!
Sending much light your way!! Love, Silke
Thanks Silke,
ReplyDeleteI have been spinning a lot lately emotionally. My doctor raised some of my medication so I'm hoping that will help me find some balance.
Love, Catherine
You know, I love your valentines decorations - an aha moment for me! I am not into pink and red hearts and never got into Valentines decorations, but I love what you did. I am going to make a bunch of hearts and hang them on our branch in the front room. Thank you for that inspiration!! :) Big hug, Silke
ReplyDeleteYou're so creative, I love it! I can't wait to see what you make with that skein of yarn.
ReplyDelete