signing off

I'm saying goodbye to blogland. There are certain reasons why that I won't get into right now. To my sweet little readers, I truly do love you and thank you for following. Just wanted to let you know that I am still here and hanging in.

I will resign myself to my leather desk journal.

Wish me luck.

Catherine

fist pump snap fold

The weekend went by too fast and I feel like shit. I'm so down and rotting from the inside out. I'm hopeless and blank and want to curl up and cry all day.

Good things:

movies
Ronald
Dexter
orange juice
doggies
we found good homes for the kitties
flowers waiting to be arranged in the kitchen
sleep
Christmas
Curb Your Enthusiasm
new CSI video game to play with Ronald
tea

be calm.

I'm trying to rest today and not get rushed and anxious. It's hard but yesterday was a good day so I think I have a little energy to work at having another. We'll see how it goes.

I think I'm getting used to being off my anxiety reducing medication. Every day is still a little scary. My heart pounds, I have a general nervous feeling, but I am slowly adjusting.

Our poor puppies need baths so bad. They are rather stinky so I guess poor us because aren't dogs happier the stinkier they are? Maybe I will bathe them while Ron does homework tonight.

Kitties

We are giving away our two cats. They are so sweet and cute but just too much for us right now in our small house with two dogs. Ronald's sister is going to take Eleanor so we just need to find a home for Oliver. I hope we can find him a good one as he is so adorable and funny.

I'm getting my haircut at a salon today. I usually cut my own hair and haven't been to a salon in about two years. I have a cute style picked out and am a little nervous, (mostly to stare into a mirror that long and to make small talk). I'm not good at small talk, I'm not good at looking in the mirror. I'm a self conscious wall flower to say the least (I wouldn't go so far to really compare myself to a flower though).

past and present

This is a picture of me from 2006 while I was in recovery from my first diagnosed bought of major depression. We went to the beach. I had this feeling that if I went I would be healed and I sort of was. I smiled big, I wrote in the sand, I felt the cold water soak the cuffs of my jeans. We rested on a blanket and stared at the water, I remembered how big God was.

Today I wish I could go to the beach. I wish it would heal me again just like it did on that stark magical day. I think that is a one time thing though. I think it is written somewhere that Catherine can only be healed by the beach once.

meltaway

I had a meltdown this morning. I was alone and it was bad. I cried and thought, sobbed and shook. I emailed and waited for encouraging responses from friends, I text messaged Ronald, I waited. Finally I fell asleep and settled down. Sometimes life can be just horrible.

I'm still not feeling great. I got out of the house for a bit, I ate something, I took my pills...it helped. Now I'm teetering on the edge of feeling so-so and plummeting into a deep dungeness depression. I don't want to get depressed again, I guess it's something nobody wants. The sick thing is I'm almost there and I can feel it, touch, taste it. Its slithery skin, its nailbiting horrors. Hello demon, welcome back.

bird

I'm tired this morning. Last night I had the Sunday blues and today I have the Monday blues. I hate the week. Being alone, being me, being sick.

I am off alcohol because of my medicine, and off caffeine to help delay my anxiety. It seems to help but God what I wouldn't do for a glass of bourbon or a coke.

Good things:

Ronald
Isabelle
Amelia
In-laws
Vegas
Tea
Christmas
Decaf mochas
Toast
Cold
Leaves
Green grass
Blankets
Snuggling
Sleep
Crafting

We run so bad

1.) Phil Ivey busts out on the WSOP Final Table in seventh place.

2.) Ron's poker tracking software's database gets corrupted losing over 250,000 hands. Causing him to buy a ton of new software.

3.) Money is tight because we forgot to get our reimbursement check.

4.) Ron's poker bankroll has been hit hard, right around Christmas of course.

5.) Our xbox 360 has the red light of death which means it's nearly kaput.

6.) I've been feeling like shit lately.

I feel tense and frustrated today. It seems like right when we start getting things in order it all falls apart. I know there are a lot of things going right for us but today I feel like it has all gone to hell.

monsters

The dogs are cute and crazy. They keep wanting to go outside to play in the mud. I have a headache. Ron's computer keeps crashing. All the beginnings of a good day...

Today is the World Series of Poker Main Event final table. We are going to get Chinese food at our favorite place and listen in to the updates on the radio. Should be fun/relaxing.

I'm so excited for Christmas. I can't wait to get a Christmas tree and to fill the house with cinnamon candles. This year we are going to Vegas up until Christmas eve with Ronald's parents. We are going to stay at the Monte Carlo and go see The Lion King musical. It should be really fun.

Now to trying to get rid of this headache...

esteem

I'm having serious self-esteem issues lately. I feel fat, disgusting, used up and ruined both emotionally and physically. I am so out of shape, my medicine has made me gain so much weight, I feel horrible. Every night I dream that I have lost weight and every morning I wake up to the same old me. I think back to when I was tiny and think of how happy I was. But really I was just as unhappy as I am now; I felt disgusting, I was ashamed to tell people my size. In retrospect I see how silly/stupid/young I was.

I'm having so much anxiety. I'm scared of being alone, scared to even leave the house. I can't drive and constantly imagine horrible things happening. I have to work harder, work at controlling this monster. Today I'm just exhausted though. Today I don't want to face it.

makeover

Here are pictures of our living room makeover. I love the separate sitting area and our new couch is so comfy. It turned out better than I imagined which is a good thing.

I'm down and shaky this morning. Sort of scared that something horrible is about to happen. My heart races with the poker-prod of anxiety. I'm down partly because I had bad dreams last night and partly because I'm cursed.

We are getting our new couch delivered today. I hope it won't be as much of a sick bed as this couch was but have a feeling it will. Things are hard; things are going to continue to be hard and I need to accept that. My demon isn't going to just go away one day, it's going to be a forever struggle.

I have to work hard, with resolve, with my eyes always open. I have to decide every day to stay here, to fight, to move forward. Its scary--its everpresent-exhausting but its my lot and I need to be ok with that.

Weekend date

Ronald with his very serious "are you really taking a picture of me?" face.

Me with my half blinked right eye.

Most weekends we go to Starbucks to read. We usually play on our laptops and I'm sure we look quite disconnected and astutely technological. This is one of my favorite parts of every weekend though. Being quiet, being with him, getting some things done, getting introspective for a bit. Then we have lunch at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant and see a movie.

I've been tired and down the last few days. It's really no fun. The monster is here, in the backyard watching me. He holds me tighter and tighter until I can't breathe, until my eyes bulge. I'm so tired of it, but I need to accept this. Accept that he will always be there, lurking, trying to catch me off-guard and take me under.

downing

I'm tired and down. This is somewhat usual. I want to sleep all day, hide in a bleak winter forest and never come out.

I hate being depressed; it seeps and creeps like a Halloween ghost into my pores. I can't write anymore. Nothing good comes out of me. I know this is all demon talk, but damn--today it feels so real.

Novembre

Happy new luscious November. I adore this time of year. It is so bright and golden this morning, I can't wait to go outside and enjoy it.

For Halloween Ronald and I stayed up past our bedtime and moved furniture around in the living room. We made two different seating areas and it looks quite mature and nice. On Wednesday we get our new couch so I will post pictures then.

Today we are doing the usual movie date and Starbucks reading time. I love the weekend.

Rachelle left yesterday. I had such a fun time with her! We crafted and shopped the whole time which was awesome. I won a poker tournament the night before she came so I had some money to spend. Ship me the money.

Yesterday Ron and I bought a new couch! It won't arrive until Wednesday so I need to be patient but it is so cozy. It's tan and reclining and a perfect for snuggling with a big blanket. So glad to get rid of our broken sectional.

The grass is always greener

Our grass and weeds in the backyard are finally turning green and luscious. I love looking out the kitchen window while doing dishes and seeing all the color.

My friend Rachelle has been visiting from Washington this week. It's been so much fun. We have gone thrifting and done some crafting. Tomorrow we are going to go to the city on BART (our little above ground subway) to do some shopping and photo taking, it should be fun. I need to find some winter warmies like sweaters and a jacket which is always dreamy to shop for.

I've been feeling weird lately. First of all, I'm trying to get off caffeine which is giving me withdrawals. Second, I'm getting off one of my medications and that is causing me to have withdrawals and anxiety. Luckily, things are starting to mellow out so I'm feeling a little better. Anxiety is the worst. It's like a constant heart race monster right in the center of you that promises that the end is near.

My friend Rachelle is coming to visit from Washington tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to it. It will be nice to have some time to just have fun. I need to have more fun in general. I get so caught up in my illness and self-consciousness that I often forget to let loose and have a good time.

I'm trying to get healthier. Here are some of the things I am working on:

Less caffeine (tea for breakfast instead of coffee)
Yoga (haven't started this yet)
Taking a multivitamin every day
Meditating
Trying to relieve stress

The stress thing is hard because I have generalized anxiety disorder which means that I constantly have a feeling of impending doom and always expect the worst. I'm trying to talk about it more and recognize that most of the things I worry about never happen.

peter peter pumpkin eater

Today is going to be a shitty one. I have to clean the house as I haven't all week. Laundry, sweeping the house and the garage (as Amelia ripped open a bag of concrete), dusting and setting up my art room for crafting. Then I have a doctors appointment that I'm dreading. At least Ronald is able to come with me which will make things a little easier.

Cleaning is no fun, doctors are no fun. Yes, yes, it's going to be a bad day.

sock monkey

Last night I found some little sock monkeys for $4.99. I bought two, one for the dogs and one to set cutely on a shelf. I love sock monkeys. They are so cute and remind me of the fifties.

I'm feeling ok this morning. A little blue as Ronald thought he could stay home with me but found out he needed to go into the office. Oh well, I will see him tonight. He is teaching a poker lesson tonight then to eating pasta for dinner and homework.

I'm so excited to get our living room set up. We are going to hang the television above the fireplace, buy a new brown couch, and set our two gorgeous blue velvet chairs out with a shelf in the middle full of books and other goodies. I'm excited to get things looking pretty and to get rid of our broken couch.

frond

I used to have a poppy in a pot in the front yard before my blue thumb killed it. I also was happy just a few days ago. Now I'm as blue as my thumb. Blue and green and orange with each thumping beat-beat of my heart muscle.

Therapy today--another reason I'm blue. I don't think I will ever be excited to go to therapy. It's too hard of a process, too difficult to be vulnerable and open with someone who you pay to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I do have a certain respect and even affection for him, but still I can't shake the idea as I write the check that this is a fraudulent relationship.

I feel like throwing up. I want to throw up my heart and soul. Clean and organize it all, fix the broken pieces and then put it all back. Maybe this would make me less restless and forever-gloomy.

Good things:

Ronald
Autumn
Puppies
Rain

Bad things:

Melancholy
Pills
Nausea
Anxiety
That sick feeling that you will never be happy

evaporate

It's nice and stormy out. Sort of rainy, sort of not. Cloudy and luscious. Our dead grass and weeds are starting to turn green.

Yesterday was a down day and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was for no reason. That is often how depression works. It's clockwork hinges and gears twisting your soul into a ho-hum malady.

Today to fighting to feel better. To enjoying the weather and sweet feeling that Autumn is here.

"peat moss, what have you"

We are at Starbucks (again). Ron is doing homework and I'm reading and writing. Ronald is going to do a paper on Sylvia Plath tomorrow for school. I'm so excited as I am his unofficial expert on the subject of Syvie and of course, she is my absolute idol so any chance to talk about her or think of her is a good thing.

The music is quiet and droning. I'm tired and down today. We took a walk because I was down and that didn't help. We had lunch together at one of my favorite places and that didn't cheer me up. Now it is quiet, now I am left with my own seething thoughts that drill like miters in my head. The demon prances and frolics through me, emancipating himself in my actions and words and tears.

As Syvie says:

"You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or achoo."

It's loud. I feel blank and ruined.

"I love you berry much"

Ronald and I just got back from a walk on the Iron Horse Trail. Of course we had to stop at Rite Aid to drop off two of my prescriptions on the way--I am always followed by my illness. We talked a lot about God, life and the future. It was good to feel connection again.

A few years ago I made a card wheel full of things to do and not do when I have anxiety. Now I want to make one about depression. My minatory pendulum of desolation. My cave dwelling, cliff hugging mother fucker. I love describing it in vague terms and big words.

I'm going to write at Starbucks today. I hate being in public, I hate trying to write. I am so out of practice, rusted over like an old wheelbarrow. But I'm going to do it. Suck it up and start writing a story about monsters, death and what's left.

"I drink whiskey instead of water."

I'm waiting for the leaves to turn and spin into Autumn glory. Some of our trees in the backyard are full of red berries. I love them.

Yesterday I bought two pumpkins to put on either side of our fireplace. They are squat in fat and wonderful. I love October because it leads to November; November because it leads to December.

Tonight we are going with some friends to Whiskey Fest in the city. There are seminars about how whiskey is made and of course lots to drink. It should be fun.

Tomorrow we are going for a walk in the morning to talk and then to Starbucks where Ron will do homework while I read and write. Then we are going to see a movie. Finally some semblance of a normal weekend.

Vintage

This is my second wonderful find at the Antique fair. A vintage Mary planter. I got it for a steal of a deal ($11). It has tiny cracks in the glaze and looks so old and absolutely gorgeous. I love the fifties styling, she almost looks like a pinup with her red pouty lips.

I'm feeling sort of creative/uncreative these days. I have been crocheting a blue/green blanket, that's the only creative thing I've been doing. I want to start crafting more though. I'm sure I will get inspired when Rachelle comes down. She is going to teach me how to make pajama pants and how to bind a quilt and use a rotary cutter. I want to try to make placemats, a table runner, and more dolls.

Today I'm going to buy a pumpkin. How exciting the Halloween is nearly here!

Mantle update

I redecorated our fireplace with some pine cones and other goodies. It looks very Autumnal and forest-y which I love. The horse statue is one of my glorious finds from the antique fair. Tomorrow I will show you another wonder I found.

It's so stormy here. Yesterday it rained non-stop from the middle of the night before until 7 o'clock that evening. It's raining again this morning and oh so dark and dreary lovely.

I can't wait for Christmas. Peppermint mochas, a Christmas tree, cinnamon candles and Christmas lights. We are going to decorate the outside of our house with lights. Who cares that our yard is a wreck, at least it will be sparkly.

I'm feeling so good these days which is just magical. My medication is finally at the perfect dosage and I feel over oh so many things. Some people have so much emotional blindness they can't see the forest for the trees. I'm glad I'm not blinded or trapped in those prickly thatches anymore.

xox

word

One word answers:

1. Where is your cell / mobile phone? couch

2. Your hair? black

3. Your mother? smothering

4. Your father? distant

5. Your favorite food? rice

6. Your dream last night? baby

7. Your favorite drink? tea

8. Your dream/goal? create

9. What room are you in? living

10. Your hobby? writing

11. Your fear? failing

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? better

13. Where were you last night? in-laws

14. Something that you aren’t? tall

15. Muffins? ok

16. Wish list item? paint

17. Where did you grow up? everywhere

18. Last thing you did? laundry

19. What are you wearing? pajamas

20. Your TV? on

21. Your pet? cuties

22. Friends? nice

23. Your life? good

24. Your mood? excited

25. Missing someone? yes

26. Vehicle? George

27. Something you’re not wearing? socks

28. Your favorite store? all

29. Your favorite color? lots

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? sometime

32. Your best friend? Ronald

33. One place that I go to over and over? Home

34. One person who emails me regularly? Rachelle

35. Favorite place to eat? Orozco

before and after

Giant hole in the wall.
Giant hole in the floor.
Mess.
New door.
New sheet rock.

All weekend we worked on the dining room changing out the sliding glass door and fixing part of the floor. It was a lot of work for the guys but it looks great. We still have a lot to do, but have to take a break for a few weeks as we are all so busy. We need to tear up all the old linoleum in the dining room and kitchen (half of it is torn out), finish the walls so we can texture and paint, and then do fun things like pick new flooring, paint and wainscoting.

We have a lot to do on the house, here is a short list:

We discovered none of our walls are insulated so we need to insulate everything.

Paint kitchen cabinets white.

Paint Hallway, dining room, kitchen, two bedrooms and two bathrooms (Picking all the colors was hard).

Re-stucco and paint outside (we are going to paint it a happy yellow and white).

Put in central air (we took out our small air conditioning unit).

Buy a new heating system.

Landscape front and back yard; a big job as we live on 1/3 of an acre (that's big for California).

Refinish hardwood floors.

Eventually remodel the entire kitchen.

Phew, that's a lot!

Tomorrow we will learn the news. I'm anxious and nervous and scared and here and busy as a bee. At least I have a lot to do today to keep me occupied. Grocery shopping and cleaning the sawdust off all the floors and surfaces. Let's just say it's a big mess...

velvet

Yesterday we bought two of these gorgeous blue-grey velvet chairs. I love them. They look awesome with our blue green paint and I love the silver hobnails.

I wasn't able to sleep last night in anticipation of the news we will find out on Tuesday. It's scary and nerve racking. Every day is one step closer though. Only a few more days to go.

Now to the craziness that is our home project weekend...

penguin

These are my new favorite little friends. Two iron penguins I found at the thrift store. They are so cute set near our fireplace.

Amelia is finally a grown up dog now so we need to change her to adult food. I am so sentimental and this makes me a little sad. My baby is all growed up. Hehehe.

Starting tomorrow we are doing a major home project. We are going to change out our sliding glass door to a new smaller one. Its exciting but the logistics of the whole thing are overwhelming. First it will cost a lot of money, second it will take three days, third we have to hide the kitties that entire time so they don't run away.

Today I want to clean the whole house so that when my in-laws come over to help us with the door they will see the cleanliness that is the non-depressed me. Sort of silly but I think all of us want to impress our in-laws.

xoxo

Floral

I love flowers. I love arranging them and looking at them throughout the day. One day I would love to sell little bouquets at the farmer's market.

I'm waiting on some news that I won't get until Tuesday. It's nerve racking because I'm not good at waiting. I have to be patient and prepared. I can hardly sleep at night worrying about it.

I'm exhausted this morning after being up for two hours in the middle of the night. Now to the day and carrying on and holding back these incessant jitters. Wish me luck.

Solitude

I love being alone. That's one reason I hate working--being around people all day is overwhelming. I live in my own solitary little cocoon of a house during the day. Resting, writing, being creative, cooking and cleaning, followed by an evening with the one I love. That's all I really want. A simple Catherine sort of life.

I want to live more creatively. I miss making things and writing. I doubt myself out of doing the things I really want to do. I'm tired of this cyclical habit of avoidance. I avoid the things I love because I'm scared of being vulnerable and afraid of failing.

I'm pondering this morning. Wondering about certain things, self-loathing in others. I am a big messy mess today. Oh well.

Autumn day

I'm sitting out in the backyard. The dogs are calm and sunbathing on the deck. Its beautiful out. A little warm in the sun but there is a crisp breeze that rolls through every few minutes. The birds are chittering, there is a dragonfly circling. And I am curious about a lot of things.

I went grocery shopping in my pajamas this morning, everyone looked as tired as I was with puffy eyes. I bought several delicious vitals including two honey crisp apples, which are my favorite. This week we are barbecuing, having fajitas, alfredo with bow-tie pasta, and chili. It all sounds quite yummy. I love cooking--it tastes so much better than eating out.

In wonderful news my friend Rachelle is coming down from Washington to visit at the end of the month! I'm so excited to see her. She is an awesome crafter-creative girl and has helped me so much during my bouts of depression. She emails me several times a day to check in and encourage me. She is a true friend and I can't wait to see her.

Now to resting and crocheting.

Poochie bath time

Our little monsters were quite stinky, so this morning it was bath time. They hate baths. First Amelia gets excited because I bring out her leash, then she is so disappointed when I head to the backyard and tie the leash to the barbecue. She knows exactly what happens next. She loved licking the new coconut shampoo I was using and Isabelle whimpered throughout hers. Poor girls who are now very happy. They always have an after-bath party where they play like ninjas.

Ronald has homework all weekend so I have a lot of free time to craft and relax. I think I am going to work on making a doll or a bunny rabbit. I also want to crochet and scrapbook.

It's nice having Ronald home for several reasons. One being that it helps quell my anxiety for a while. A much needed break from the heart racing temple-tumbled beast.

Owl love you forever

I went through iphoto this morning and found lots of old cute photographs. I seem to not be so good at taking pictures of daily life, so these pictures will have to do.

I'm so happy its Friday! This has been the longest week. I can't wait for the weekend. Saturday will either be without Ronald or doing home projects with Ronald's parents, Sunday will be our first day of rest in a few weeks. Of course Ronald will have homework both days but maybe we will have time to go read or go on a little movie date.

It's so cold in the mornings and I love it. Autumn makes me feel so alive and present, so excited and expectant for things to come. I'm inspired to write again (finally), to go to Starbucks and read, to go to parks and take pictures.

I would go to Starbucks if I felt a little less self-conscious. I feel huge and think that everyone sees me as a chubby Goliath monster. I mean huge; I mean that I think I can't fit through doors huge. Its horrible. Its debilitating. It keeps me from doing the things I want to do. Sadly, even when I was small I felt this way. I think I have body dysmorphic disorder, which sucks. I'm trying to get over it. Having a guy as a therapist makes me uncomfortable to bring these things up. It seems like whenever I do he skims over it like it isn't a big deal. I think a woman would understand better. Maybe I will talk to him about it this week. I don't like being seen, in public or anytime really. I wish I could hide forever and wear a poncho all the time to hide how I really look.

Anyway, I didn't mean to fill this post with self-loathing but I guess I did...

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

xoxo

wonky

This is a horrible picture but I had to commemorate my first sweater of the season. My gorgeous red thrift store find. You can see all the laundry behind me (that I have finally put away), our unmade bed and my pink wrinkled skirt that I just pulled out of the basket. Yes I am rather put-together/un-put-together.

There are tree trimmers outside and both the dogs are going crazy. Amelia who never barks is barking and growling. She has the funniest bark as she never practices (thank God). I gave them both a time-out and locked them in the bathroom for thirty seconds but that only seemed to make things worse (thank you dog trainer). Ugh.

Today I'm going to organize my closet. All my clothes are on the floor and I figure I should hang everything up, color coordinate and take out all the clothes that don't fit anymore. This is one of my least favorite things to do.

Anxious today. I might take a Klonopin, the high holy medicine that can calm me down to a lush stupor. We'll see...

slowly

Here is a picture of our feet in the sand on the day we got engaged. I wish I could go back to that day. It was a wonderful magical moment in our life. I remember driving home with him and staring at my ring absolutely giddy about our future. Our future is still exciting to me.

I'm blue today. Things have been so busy I have no time to think, to talk, to express myself. I hate feeling unexpressed, alone, tired.

I'm so anxious, so phobic about things. I'm worried the dogs will choke, run away, break their legs. I'm worried about earthquakes, Ron dying, getting into a car accident. When I'm in stores I imagine someone coming in with a gun or me breaking all the glass in the store on accident. I get flashes of gruesome scenes every time I see someone on a motorcycle, I am terrified I might run someone over in our neighborhood or hit someone on a bicycle. I'm worried my depression will come back ten fold and that I will do something irrevocable. No wonder I'm so unbelievably stressed.

This weekend Ron might go on a fishing trip if the weather permits. We both hope a storm rolls in so we will finally have some time together. I miss him horribly. I'm quite moody about it.

Now to the day, to hanging in, to getting through it.

The chair

I think this is the chair for us. I love the pattern and think the color will look perfect with the brown couch we are getting. Do you like it?

photographer-er

I need to start taking more pictures. Its hard for me to find inspiration. I need to go to parks or something, I like taking pictures of natural things. I love this one of Isabelle, she looks so tiny compared to the rug.

I miss Ronald. I want to talk with him, read with him, have a slow day with him. Instead we have only busy days ahead. It's nice to have someone to miss, someone to love, someone to keep you warm in bed.

Its cooling down. Yesterday we were able to keep the windows open and air out the house. It was so nice to feel a light breeze flutter through the curtains. I can't wait for orange leaves, peppermint mochas, beenies and Christmas, sweaters and wonderland. Its all so exciting.