Sunday, April 11, 2010
"that was the first time I heard you calling"
I've been sort of melancholy and introspective the past few days. Listening to sad relatable music, thinking about childhood, thinking about the way I feel about myself, thinking about how much medicine changes me into something I'm not.
I feel numb, distant, and tired on so many pills. I know we are working towards getting me off the meds but that is just to get pregnant and then I will probably return to my droned robot-like existence. This makes me so sad. I think about how many days I have gone with not being myself, either being too depressed, or too numbed to give a shit. I have to choose the lesser of two evils and right now I don't know which is which.
I started taking medicine because I didn't want to live anymore, now I feel like I'm not living because I'm on so much medicine. Which is better? At least now I have a desire to live, but that could be the medicine talking. What if I'm not supposed to be here? What if I should have died a long time ago? Which thoughts are mine, which thoughts are mere chemicals? Where is my soul? What if I have somehow fucked up fate? All these questions race through my mind.