Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The roses are turning brown and curling as the petals loosen and droop. It's a cloudy dark morning, I couldn't sleep last night, I feel like my petals are starting to droop.
In therapy I sort of broke down, we were talking about the truth and starting tearing into every aspect of my life and it was just too much for me. I don't face some of my feelings a lot of times because I am too full of shame and guilt. I am torn because my T believes that no thought or feeling can be bad or wrong, the only thing that can be bad or wrong are your actions. I guess on one hand I totally believe that, but on the other hand I think thoughts can be really destructive especially internally. I learned this as I couldn't sleep most of the night, I felt like my thoughts were eating me up and I had no one to turn to other than my T. So I turned to Ronald, someone who is always there for me.
One thing I realized in the night is there is nothing I want to keep from Ronald. He is my best friend, he is my person, and most of the time he is the only reason I am still here. He always takes care of me and helps me and is always understanding. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he just gets me, and that is a good feeling. I often times don't give him enough credit, I often only think about his flaws, his mistakes and forget all the wonderful things about him. I want to do better.
I'm frustrated therapy wise because once again we didn't get an opportunity to talk about medication and reducing it. I feel like I really have to push the topic, like if I have a bad therapy day the choice is made that we can't reduce my meds when really I have been doing well overall. I feel like he only sees one piece of the picture, not the whole thing. I have been keeping track of my moods online and realize how steady they have been over the last month or so and that gives me hope.