Wednesday, April 14, 2010


The roses are turning brown and curling as the petals loosen and droop. It's a cloudy dark morning, I couldn't sleep last night, I feel like my petals are starting to droop.

In therapy I sort of broke down, we were talking about the truth and starting tearing into every aspect of my life and it was just too much for me. I don't face some of my feelings a lot of times because I am too full of shame and guilt. I am torn because my T believes that no thought or feeling can be bad or wrong, the only thing that can be bad or wrong are your actions. I guess on one hand I totally believe that, but on the other hand I think thoughts can be really destructive especially internally. I learned this as I couldn't sleep most of the night, I felt like my thoughts were eating me up and I had no one to turn to other than my T. So I turned to Ronald, someone who is always there for me.

One thing I realized in the night is there is nothing I want to keep from Ronald. He is my best friend, he is my person, and most of the time he is the only reason I am still here. He always takes care of me and helps me and is always understanding. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he just gets me, and that is a good feeling. I often times don't give him enough credit, I often only think about his flaws, his mistakes and forget all the wonderful things about him. I want to do better.

I'm frustrated therapy wise because once again we didn't get an opportunity to talk about medication and reducing it. I feel like I really have to push the topic, like if I have a bad therapy day the choice is made that we can't reduce my meds when really I have been doing well overall. I feel like he only sees one piece of the picture, not the whole thing. I have been keeping track of my moods online and realize how steady they have been over the last month or so and that gives me hope.


  1. Thoughts are tricky, aren't they? That is, if you totally believe them. Sometimes when I wake up at night and am feeling anxious, I wonder where that's coming from. It happened early this morning - I was flooded with anxiety producing thoughts.

    A few years ago, I would have believed every one of them. This morning, I was able to step back, sort of observe them and think about what might be the cause. Then I remembered that last night I ate a little too much, and too late and had a beer - that's enough to cause anxiety for me.

    It's something I practiced - not taking every thought at face value. If you sort of observe them and allow them to float by, they'll soon lose their power and they will become fewer and fewer. Only I know it's hard to remember when you are feeling panicky when it's all dark around you...

    I'm so glad you have Ron and that you are keeping track of how you are doing and see that you are improving!!

    Much love, Silke

  2. Its normal to feel down sometimes. It doesn't mean something is wrong. If you start to feel really down or really anxious, then its time to start looking at the why of it, but nobody feels good all the time. That isn't life. Things happen. We react. Sometimes we react to things we aren't even aware of.

    Even so, I'd be careful about the med thing. If you 've been really stable, then maybe its because the meds are working?

    I do understand how you want to cut back. I do to. I have cut the seroquel down to almost nothing... but I haven't touched the antidepressent, yet, and i can't completely stop the seroquel because it is helping me sleep and keeping me on a more even keel than I've ever been before.

    I kind of hope I won't have to take the meds forever, but if I do, I do. The thing is, there really is nothing wrong with taking meds. They are there to help. I don't think one can rely solely on them to solve every problem, but its okay to rely on them as long as you are still trying to work through your issues - and it is obviuos that you are.

    Thoughts - that is a tricky thing. The worst are the racing thoughts in the middle of the night. I used to have them every night- I mean every single night of my life - until I started the seroquel. I could count on lying awake, in bed, for a few hours on a good night. I spent those hours alternating between beating myself up and trying to supress all the thoughts. It was most unpleasant. On a bad night, it never stopped. the sun would come up and I would feel exhausted but glad that at least the night was over.

    Working through the trauma of sexual abuse has led to the nightmares stopping. Taking seroquel has led to my being able to fall asleep in fifteen minutes, most nights. Sleeping every night has led to me feeling human during the day - with more energy and more stamina for the issues at hand. Adding more people to my support system (my counselor, my husband, my sponsor, my CoDA friends, my blogger friends, etc.) has led less loneliness and hopelessness.

    I guess I just want you to know that there is hope. I know sometimes, when the petals are fading, its really hard to remember that spring is around the corner and there will be a fresh bloom....

  3. My t is the same with with thoughts. They are morally neutral, she says. It's rough when you have relied so much on allowing your thoughts to dictate your moods, ideas, choices, etc. then all of a sudden you try to change them to make things better/different and you can't break the cycle.

    Speak up about the meds first next time. You will be happy you did.

  4. I'm really glad you have Ronald...I'm really glad he's there for you...and I agree...we need people...we need a good support system. Stay strong. Sarah