I woke up at 6:20 this morning after a jittery night of sleep following a night of drinking one too many margaritas. I'm tired now.
I'm a quiet girl, so quiet about some things that sometimes I don't even know they exist. I feel moderately down today, I also received an email from my mom. I don't know what I have to do to express to them that I don't want any contact. I guess sending their previous letter back in the mail unopened, didn't get my message across. Even after sending them several emails and letters asking for no contact they don't respect my wishes. They tromp on my wishes like so much sand. It's always been that way and they have never seen it. They "feel" like they love me, but if you think about it, especially considering my dad, they don't do anything to show it. In fact, they often do quite the opposite.
I guess I just get frustrated because they don't understand. I'm sure they think I am their crazy illogical daughter who is lashing out for no reason. Even though I have told them the reasons straight to their face. That is why I don't communicate with them anymore, it was too difficult for me and they didn't listen anyway. They had no desire to change, they "felt" like they wanted to change, but when it came down to actually making the changes necessary, they didn't do it.
I think I need to block their email address. But I guess I hold onto this secret hope that one day they will write me an email that actually means something, a message that they really want to change. I don't know how that message will look, but I want to keep an opening so I don't have to accept the fact that I will never have parents. I don't know if that is healthy or unhealthy. The little girl inside me still wants parents.