Monday, April 19, 2010

"I won't cry when the silver lining shows"

Two posts in one day. I am just exhausted. Two naps down, Ronald is home with me and I feel like a robotic drone of a person. I tried to draw (I only know how to draw small flowers and primitive looking birds), I tried to craft, I tried to clean but our kitchen faucet broke.

All your blogs are so inspiring to me. I read and think of each one of you every day and often times worry about you. I find myself feeling guilty when things are going somewhat ok for me and I see things going so horribly for some of you. I know that is worthless guilt, but sometimes it gets to me. I just wish and hope things get better for you all.

I was posting a comment on dear Shen's blog and her post brought up so many things for me about family. I remember going to my brothers wedding when we weren't talking, my parents had just come to meet with me and my therapist and things seemed to be improving. During the reception when the father dances with the bride I began absolutely sobbing, I left the reception and sat in a hallway with Ronald. The caterers came over to me to see if I was ok. Then my dad came walking out and gave me a hug. An empty worthless hug. A hug that made me realize things would never work out, especially since I had lacked that kind of attention from him my entire life. Sometimes things can't be made up, sometimes the damage is done.

When they came out to meet with my T, my dad asked me to lunch the following day; it was an empty worthless lunch, where he ordered a beer which I just hated. The problem and the reason our relationship didn't work out was because they weren't willing to understand or try, they went through the motions and thought that was good enough. Thought that I wouldn't see through their thin veneer and realize that they are the same broken people who tried to scare me into staying with them forever.


  1. I can see why you are so tired. These memories are draining... But you have to get through them to get to the other side. Keep going... as hard as it is... get through it. Ron is with you. I am with you...

  2. It was a double post day for both of us.

    I know I do that run around where I am trying to do more than is humanly possible and at the end of the day I am still left with the list of things I didn't do! I try to remind myself that every minute I spend is valid and worthwhile, whatever I'm doing. It is all necessary and good, including the self-care and relaxation parts.
    Sometimes I even listen.

    I too have realized things will never change. I think that is why I am so sad right now. It really is hopeless, in a way. I never will have the relationship with my family that I always hoped I would have.

    peace and love... make tomorrow a more restful day for both of us.

  3. Man... sometimes the things that are so happy for others are so daunting for us. Weddings, births, etc. I too have gone through the disappointment of realizing that my parents aren't going to ever change into the people I wish them to be, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that if I want to be happy and have them in my life, I have to change my expectations. It stings less when you don't hold them up to as much.