out of hiding

I'm trying to be brave. Strong and brave and Catherine. It's hard when you are in the middle of a bad day/bad weekend/bad life. I'm melancholy down this morning fighting my morning demon with disheartening hollows and meager handfuls of pebbles.

I try to be brave but sometimes I go down into my rabbit hole and feel so cursed. Like I can never get over it ("it" being childhood). I so want to; I am gaining days where I can feel it seeping away from me but today it's here. Too close, breathing on my neck, I smell the stench of it. That old weeping gangrenous wound sitting next to me.

I try to be brave but sometimes I feel like such a burden. I imagine people pairing me in groups, viewing me as a responsibility rather than a person. An uncomfortable load on the back, a stitch in the side. There are only a few people I trust enough to lean on but I hate when people believe that I lean on them when I actually don't. They feel burdened just being friends with me, maybe that says something about them, maybe, more importantly, it says something about me.

I try to be brave and imagine myself as a mother. I wonder if I can do it. On good days I can, on bad days I could if I had to. I am not a person who takes responsibility lightly, maybe that is why I carry the least amount of responsibility possible, because I am so afraid of failing? I want to be a mummy, a good loving healthy mummy. I have this feeling, this peaceful sense that it will happen soon.