I was down all weekend. I don't understand why I get so sad when I can do whatever I want and have him for company. I do feel really self conscious and shy when I am with him (or with anyone for that matter); I feel boring, dull, used up and empty. I struggle with finding meaningful things to say. I try to be interesting and to keep his attention and that doesn't always work. I guess it's no wonder I get so depressed. I have so many expectations of myself that I can't meet.
It makes me so sad because so much of the time I believe I am not what he wants, even though everything points to that being false. I know what I should think, what I should feel and believe, but I don't because I'm so used to being ignored and rejected like I was by my father. I'm not the typical girl who is even keeled, thin, talkative, career minded, beautiful, interesting. I am just me, just Catherine. And most of the time that feels like it will never be enough.
And of all people, I know him well enough to know that he does not want chatty girls that are a dime a dozen... He wants You! You know that in your head. As you heal, you know that in your heart.
ReplyDelete(((Catherine))))
ReplyDeleteHere listening....
You know, I think that as you continue to heal you will stop rejecting yourself. And as soon as you do that and embrace all of who you are, that worry of others not wanting to be with you will vanish altogether... Love, Silke
ReplyDeleteSometimes, for me, if I can take the words "should" out of my self-talk, I can see what it is that I am really feeling and just accept things as they are. We feel as we feel. It isn't right or wrong.
ReplyDeleteWhen the time is right, all things become clear.