Sunday, February 7, 2010

Tell it like it is

I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I believe he exists but I don't know if I believe in his mercy, goodness, and love for me. I was raised in a staunchly religious family. I was schooled at home my whole life because the outside worlds was too dangerous, I was always very involved in church. I was raised to believe you weren't "saved" unless you were baptized and I never understood why God would have a dip in the water save you. When I was baptized I had a broken arm so couldn't be fully dunked in the water, I was always fearful I wasn't fully "saved" and would often try to baptize myself in the bathtub. Now I look back and this is sort of cute and funny, but it just shows my lack of understanding of God. But at this moment, I have very little interest in him and I hate to admit that.

I picture God the same as I picture my dad. Distant, farther than arms length, looking down on you in judgment, unhappy with your tears and true emotion, disinterested, only wanting you to "obey". I think it makes sense that I wouldn't be interested in being with him if that is who he really is. But part of me knows he isn't, the other part of me believes he is.

I do things to open up: I take walks and see how beautiful nature is, I remember how lucky I am to have my husband, and besides my illness, I live a good life. But most of the time the illness is in charge and I feel like I can't believe in anything being good, or in a God that loves me. But I'm trying to stay open minded, trying to remember that this is just another phase in my journey and that one day I will come to a place where I can see God's love for me.

8 comments:

  1. Dear Catherine, First of all - GORGEOUS pictures!! And here's my take on god and all of that. I think there's nothing quite as adept at turning one away from god as religion, especially zealous religiont.

    Here's what I have found for me - this may be different for you or anyone else. The more I started loving myself, the more I realized that god is within me. It is not a He or She, it is that primal, source energy that makes us want to be happy, to be joyful, to be loved. I found that it is love and that I find it where ever I can see that. I find it in you, in your photos, in Daniel, in my pets, and everything around me.

    Don't know if that makes sense, but I think it's a great thing for you to get away from God as the father image...

    Much love, Silke

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  2. I think what you are saying totally makes sense. I don't think I'm going to be a "religious" person, but I do believe in God, if that makes sense. I just hope to find him in my own way and to discover that he is loving.

    I am so glad I got out of the religious "bubble" I was in, it was so inauthentic and fraudulent. That is one reason I don't go to church, it just seems like a sham to me right now. Not to say that won't change, but right now I want to figure God out on my own.

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  3. I had the opposite experience as you. God was never present in my childhood, at least at home. My parents had me in private school where I first learned of God. I was always confused as to why He never was in my life except school. When I was later abused as a teenager, I just figured God didn't want anything to do with me. I wasn't important enough to save, but now that I am finding it is those around me who were the disappointments, it is God who is getting me through... showing me I am important and will always be.

    Very glad I found your blog.

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  4. Hello Dear,
    You have a list of wise counselors here. And I just want you to know that I don't believe in being religious either. It's about a relationship for me. And when you keep an open mind, that's when God can reach you, when you are ready to be reached.

    But we can talk more later. Just know I am sending you my love. L

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  5. Hi There,
    I can relate to what you've shared here, having been there too. In the midst of severe depression I could not feel God's love, it felt like He was angry at me, I feared He was about to smash me over the head every time I made a mistake. Much of this stemmed back to the way my father rejected me and treated me as a child too.
    I wrote about it here, if you're interested.
    But in time, the Lord took me out of that place, to a place where I could see things clearly again, a place of wholeness.
    God bless
    Peter

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  6. Catherine, thank you for sharing. I have an enormous time accepting God's love let alone giving it out. Blessings.

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  7. I grew up in a Jewish home. We were taught God was punishing...with every beating I hated Him. Then one day...He touched me...showed me how gentle He was...showed me there weren't any rules I had to follow for Him to accept me. I still fought....I screamed at Him many times daring Him to kill me. I'm really glad He didn't listen...but waited...patiently....until I was ready..

    It's ok to struggle...and to doubt...praying for you...and I'm so appreciative of your honesty. hugs to you. Sarah

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  8. Thank you for all your comments. Your level of acceptance means a lot to me as well as knowing that I'm not alone in this journey.

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