sharp

It's a foggy morning and I'm just waking up. Something happened last night that shocked me. I found a voicemail from my mom that she left over a month ago that I hadn't listened to. She accused me of making false accusations about them in my blog (she discovered my blog by searching for me on the internet) and told me I couldn't call them mom and dad anymore. Funny how this all just proves my point.

I hate how things like this shake me up, but they do. I should just expect this sort of crap from them, but it always gets to me, which is probably what they want. Today we are spending time with Ronald's parents to talk and drink and play poker. Should be nice to have some rest/parent time.

Tomorrow I am getting my eyes checked and getting some new glasses. I want to pick some really cute edgy frames, the ones I have now make me feel like an old lady.

"these last three years"

I'm feeling ok this morning. Glad it's Saturday, glad I have a day with him. I wanted to get tattoos this weekend but since our Lab Amelia might need surgery we have to postpone. Disappointing...

It's stormy and cold. We were planning on going to the zoo but have to wait for a rainless weekend. I feel restless, anxious, sleepy.

I can't sleep well at night. I have restless dreams, dreams that my parents are trying to kill me. I wake up a few times each night and wish for morning so I can escape my anxious tunnel.  Then morning comes and I'm disappointed that I'm still here and sick. There is so much life left to live and that is overwhelming because life is so damn hard. I'm staying here though. I'm determined, just not looking forward to it.

worry

 

My heart pitters and pats-I'm afraid there will be an earthquake. My heart pulsates-I'm afraid I have a disease. My heart races-I'm afraid he is going to die. My heart escapes its nest-I'm afraid I will crash.

Anxiety is exhausting and it still tinges my edges like a cheap flame along a piece of paper. I'm dizzy, I'm coming down from drugs, I'm Catherine.

I swear I'm feeling the earth shake, I swear I am so dizzy I'm going to faint. Today is a scared day.

lie-lac

This is my place. My safe place to write how I really feel. I hope it helps some people to know that they are not alone, but mainly it helps me. It helps me to tell the truth, it helps me to express this blackness that lurks in the center of me.

The subject reminds me of my parents. It first started out good Lilac, then turned bad LIE-lac, then turned really bad LIE-LACK. That is sort of how it went. First I was a sense of pride to them, a baby, then I became a burden (especially through my dad's eyes), then a lie was developed that we had a perfect family, that my dad actually was close to me, that my mom wasn't emotionally distant, then I realized the lie and the lack of ability they have to love me in any tangible way.

The sky is creamy white with clouds, the trees shine like spires against it. I hope it doesn't rain anymore and that the sun comes out. And right now I find myself slipping and right now I'm rubbing my nose for comfort. Yes, that is the little girl thing I still do, something about rubbing my nose keeps me from crying or having anxiety. I can only imagine myself on a plane one day holding a rosary and rubbing my nose. It will be a sight...

It's a small world after all

I'm grumpy this morning. I was grumpy last night too. I'm in the middle of a wonderful raging pity party. I'm so tired of life being so hard. I know I'm supposed to compare my life to others who have it worse than me like children who are starving in Africa, or how people around me are dying, but right now I feel like I am dying too. I'm dying on the inside. Maybe that is cliche and damn over-dramatic, but this is how I feel.

I'm so sick of being on medication that doesn't seem to work. It works well at giving me side-effects, it works well at making me so sedated that I don't even know if I'm awake sometimes,  it doesn't work well at making me feel less depressed. I think it just numbs me. It just sedates me so I don't have the energy to think of cutting or killing myself, but I'm also so sedated that it takes away all my desire and motivation to do anything productive or healthy.

I have to push myself so hard to get anything done. To shower, to feed our dogs, to get out of the house. It's so hard. I was thinking last night about how as a child I always thought I would find freedom when I left home and was so excited to get away from my parents. I left their chains to a set of chains dictated by fate. If I had known I would be this miserable, I think I would have killed myself a long time ago.

"the walls are caving in"

I'm blue and it's raining. I'm not excited for the day or for this life. It all seems so worthless. I'm trying to remember that these emotions are just that, emotions. They aren't facts, they are only temporary feelings.

I have to get up and get going. That is the trick, that is also the hardest thing to do most days. Everything in me says "sit a little longer" "just go back to sleep" "there is no reason to get up and do anything". I hate these voices and am tired of listening to them.

I feel like I'm being taken down by the under-current. Things slip and I get overwhelmed. The house is so messy, little things like the amount of laundry we have makes me want to cry. I can't get my life together no matter how much I try. I make a step forward and then it all falls apart again. My level of frustration over all this is a big secret. I'm too embarrassed to express how sad and angry I am with myself. I can't get even basic things to work properly. I am broken, I am the problem.

The red gingham curtain

We are back home. We arrived home to a flat tire and a dog with a hurt leg, but we are home and that's a good thing. The house is a huge mess but that's ok. I love being home.

Ronald is back at work and I'm back at trying to be comfortable being alone. I don't know how I am feeling. Last night while deleting extra files on my computer I ran into my mom's email where she let me go. Wow, was it harsh. Harsher than I let myself remember. It's incredible that my own mother, who knew I was suicidal and struggling could write something like that.

On the way home we talked about how I don't remember much of my childhood or teenage years. I don't feel like I remember much of anything until I met Ronald. All my memories with Ronald are real and vivid. I think since things were so hard I have blocked a lot of my childhood memories. I feel like I wasn't alive when I was a child, like I was just a shell going through the motions, I had to void out my emotions as a child so it makes sense that I would feel like a shell. I felt like I was always holding my breath. Always waiting for the worst.

down on the mountain

I'm having a hard time being here. It's not so much being here as much as I'm just having a hard time. I feel so self-conscious, I want to hide all day. My side effects are making me dizzy and sedated. I watch people and see how friendly and cheerful they are, I try to mimic them. Try to be truly interested in strangers, but really I am thinking of how sad I am and not even the people we are friends with ask how I am doing. I'm just upset today and cranky and so sad.

Once again I have come to the conclusion that everything I think and feel is wrong. All my thinking is skewed, my judgments are off, I'm not balanced, I'm one or the other. Even this is an example of my all or nothing thinking, I'm so frustrated.

I want to look into other ways to believe in God. I believe God exists and I believe in Jesus but I don't believe in the standard Christian lifestyle. I want to find a way that works for me.

Evening thoughts

We have internet here in these old grand mountains so I thought I would post some of my evening thoughts...

First of all I want to send all my love, prayers and support to my dear friend Renee and her wonderful family. As many of you know, she has been suffering with many forms of cancer and has been handling it with so much grace it's amazing. Even though I only know her through blogland I feel incredibly close to her, she is so compassionate and inspiring.

After the CPR class, Ronald and I returned to our little room with no television. He is sitting in a plush rocking chair with his feet propped up on the cooler writing a paper, and I'm varying between sitting and laying in bed reading, journaling and typing. I'm thinking a lot about how I am standing in the way of my recovery and I have some thoughts on it. Ronald and I talked about it on the way up and he really helped me see some of the ways I stand in my own way. Here is a list:

1. I'm afraid to truly let go of my parents out of the hope that they will magically become good parents or that if I let go of them I can no longer use my past as an excuse to stay stagnate.

2. I get lots of attention being sick. People worry about me, Ron stays home from work to take care of me. Since I didn't get a healthy amount of attention as a child I think that if I get better and am no longer sick everyone will start ignoring me again and I will return to being the scared little wallflower that no one gives a shit about.

3. My all or nothing thinking keeps me stuck because I always think the worst and get negative and fail to see the little steps I am making, which keeps me hopeless and in the revolving cycle of depression.

4. I'm afraid to get better because I'm afraid I will fail at being a healthy person. This one is pretty silly, but I do have a big fear that I will never be a healthy member of society. I just feel too different, like I don't fit in at all (maybe this isn't a bad thing?).

5. I know how to be the sick girl, I'm comfortable with it. I mean it sucks, but I know it by heart. The staying in bed all day, the stuffing your emotions, the strange bouts of suicidal thoughts-I know this very well. The illness becomes a friend, a neighbor, something close and sometimes even cozy. It's like at first it leeched onto me and sucked everything out of me, now at times I become a leech on the illness and use it for all it's worth.

6. I don't push myself hard enough. I think I do on my bad days. I mean taking a shower is like hell on those days, I'm an absolute train wreck, but I think I could push myself even more. It's going to be horrible, but I'm going to try it.

Now we are waiting for our buddy to come up and have a drink with us (yes we smuggled several bottles of liquor into a Christian camp), and then I might have a good cry and go to sleep.

More tomorrow.

Going back

We are going back to Old Oak today. I spent the morning packing. I'm bringing mostly books and my journal and some yarn to crochet. Should be all simplicity and quiet which will be magical. I remember when I first got married I was always so terrified to be away from home overnight, a trip brought on anxiety attacks for me. Now I am so excited to go anywhere.

It's my third day with the lower dose of Lamictal and I feel good. Still dizzy but stable. I don't know how long it takes for it to get out of my system but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will be a good change.


Now to peace and quiet. Be back next week...xox

babushka

As you can see I dressed Isabelle up as a babushka the other night...isn't she cute?

On Tuesday I talked with my doctor about reducing some of my medication to see how I do. He has taken me off one entirely and reduced the other by 100 milligrams. I am really dizzy and headached so  I think I'm going through a bit of a withdrawal. Other than that I feel fine, but it should take a while for me to feel the true effects of the change.

We are leaving for a weekend in the mountains tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. No email, no internet, no text messages, no phone calls, no news, just pure isolation. I'm going to think about how I am standing in my own way, and I will write, and I will read and it will be wonderful.

tip of my tongue

I cried again last night. This time about how I think all my thinking is wrong, that I feel judged by everyone, and that I'm generally weird and different. Ronald was there to hold me and I felt safe so that was good. I like to name things so when I have bouts of crying I call them "crys" so I'm glad I'm getting my crys out.

I think I have some choices to make. I have to choose to be motivated, choose everyday to stay here, and choose to be emotionally vulnerable. Ronald and I were talking about how sometimes it seems that I work for one hour a week in therapy and then the rest of the week is spent trying to survive until my next session. This obviously isn't helping me get better. I need to work everyday to get better, not just once a week and I think letting my emotions out is a huge facet of it.

Basically, I need to stay strong and start working toward a goal. Not just a general "I want to feel better" goal, but maybe think of specific ways I want to feel better. Like: I want to not be self conscious when I go out by myself, or I want to be able to get out of bed every morning, etc. My biggest goal right now is to work toward being able to have a baby and be a healthy mother.

hiding

Last night I came out of hiding for a few hours. It was hard and scary and I cried a lot, but I think it was good. Ron and I were talking about how I'm afraid to let go and let my emotions out because I'm scared I will kill myself or start cutting again. We decided that it's worth the risk since keeping it in is also making me think I may commit suicide or cut. At least with me letting my emotions out there is a chance I will feel better, with me keeping my emotions in there is only the expectation that things will get worse.

I hate feeling out of control. I feel like I will get in trouble or be institutionalized. I feel like if I let it out it will never stop coming and I will cry forever. This is because in 2004 I cried for basically the entire year. Every day I would cry for hours and hours (not an exaggeration) and it was horrible and it didn't make me feel better.

All this to say that today I am scared.

"on your seven sheets"

It's the last day of a three day weekend. I'm already getting those blues that fill into the corners when the week is about to start. It seems like real life always comes back. And real life is mean and lonely at times.

Yesterday while eating noodle bowls and salt and pepper shrimp at our favorite Vietnamese bistro we talked about things like babies. We talked about how if I wasn't sick we would be trying to have a baby right now. We talked about when we should try and we don't know. When I get pregnant I will have to be off at least some of my medication. This means that even if I start feeling better on my meds, I might go back into the cave once I stop taking them. There is really no way of knowing when the best time is, it's really just a shot in the dark. But we can be better equipped for when the time comes if I work through more of my issues and develop better coping skills.

I feel sad and strange. Dizzy, tummy-ached, droopy eyed, tearful, dried up, and disobedient. It's like reality and my dreams are kept at arms-length so I can't get to them.

Be Mine.

It's Valentine's day. Ronald bought me Adobe Photoshop, I bought him some blu ray movies. Last night I made a Valentine cake with pink frosting and red and white sprinkles, and we are going on a little date soon.

I'm feeling good this morning. Excited about a day with him and that he doesn't have to work tomorrow. There are a lot of good things going on right now, and that makes me happy. Maybe this feeling won't last long but I'm going to enjoy it while it's here.

Happy Valentine's dear readers.

capture

We just got home from our trip to the mountains. It was beautiful and relaxing. There is no cell service, no internet and no television so it's really quiet and distraction free. We didn't stay too long but are going back next weekend to stay a bit longer. You can't beat a free vacation (all we have to do is teach CPR for one hour). We ran into the pastor who married us. You could tell he was pleased to see us happy.

On the drive up we talked a lot. I was honest about how I was really doing, really, really honest. It was very good. I smiled the whole way home just enjoying being with him, talking about psychology and random biological factoids. It was so nice.

While I was at the camp I thought a lot about God. This morning we listened to a cd by Doug Burr where he sings the Psalms, it made me realize that I do believe in God in a way, just not the "church God" I grew up with. I do believe in a higher power and I need to work on opening myself up to him and seeing who he really is rather than being blinded by my past or my present bitterness. It's hard though, but one step at a time. I'm looking forward to next weekend where I can slow down and think things through.

In the mountain

 

 

Today we are going on a road trip up to the mountains to stay overnight in a little cabin. We are going to teach CPR at a Christian camp. It's weird to me that we are teaching "saved" people how to save lives. I guess this is my cynicism coming out. I'm looking forward to having a few hours to talk with Ronald though, and I'm sure that in a convoluted way it will make me think of God. Being around Christians always makes me feel horribly uncomfortable. Like they can all see this sign on my neck that says "I don't really believe in God".

We took a walk this morning and I didn't quite know what to say other than "my ankles hurt, my ankles hurt, my ankles hurt." I'm tired and can't talk about it. It was nice being with him, I felt safe even though I didn't know what to say. Talking is becoming like crying, something I don't really do. Today I'm going to challenge myself to say things, real things.

mellow

 I feel like I'm hitting roadblocks. Especially in communication. I choose not to say things, some are important like how I'm feeling, some aren't important like talking about something I did that day. I don't know why I've been keeping secrets. I guess I don't want to bother anyone. I feel like I need to keep quiet. I feel like how I felt when I lived at home: that I couldn't say anything.

I'm so worried I will get in trouble for talking, for crying, for being myself. I remember my dad turning up the volume on the television as I was talking, I remember getting yelled at for crying. Now I don't cry unless I've reached my absolute limit, now it's getting to the point that I don't want to talk and I don't quite know what to do. I'm sad about it.

dew

I always blog in the morning but I was so tired and muddled and down this morning that I decided to wait. I'm still tired and down and muddled. I think it's funny but not really. I really think it sucks.


I talked a lot about my parents today. About how all the things they did have accumulated into this huge mess of pain and anger. Just one thing they did-- like how they left my wedding early to go to see an auto-race, is enough to be done with them, but that is just one out of many. It makes me so upset. I don't understand all the things they did and why they don't see how screwed up they were/are. I think they are just clueless, they don't get the severity of what has happened and is happening. Their not "getting it" is still no excuse for their actions. I'm so angry and irritated right now. Ugh.

Now to letting it go, and resting, and embarking on an evening of sewing.

reason to stay

This picture captures the moment I first decided not to kill myself. It was in 2005 and the suicidal thoughts had just begun with a vengeance. And then on a drive with Ronald I put my hand out the window and felt the sensation of the air running through my fingers and saw my hand against the green trees and pale blue sky. For some reason I took a picture, and for some reason I changed my mind. I don't really know what happened but this is probably the last time I felt really connected to God. It only lasted a moment but it's a moment I cannot forget.

"White dove what are you thinking of?"

I'm blank this morning. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I feel empty, alone, exhausted, angry, depressed and guilty. I get the Counting Crows song in my head "I've been up all night, I might sleep all day, get your dreams just right and let them slip away." I really am contemplating napping the entire day, that sounds so good. But it may not be a good idea to just wallow.

I don't know what else to say. I want to say "I'm blank, I'm blank, I'm blank." and "Oh God why is this happening to me?" I'm sort of in shock that this is my life. Sometimes it just hits me and makes me feel so lonely and vulnerable. I try not to think about it to keep myself from having an anxiety attack. Right now my heart is racing, I'm on the verge of tears and I feel this huge sense of loss. How many years have I lost from this illness? How much childhood did I lose because of my illness/parents? How much more time am I going to lose fighting this monster? Will I ever live a full life?

Right now I don't know the answer. Right now I'm just trying to hold on.

Tell it like it is

I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I believe he exists but I don't know if I believe in his mercy, goodness, and love for me. I was raised in a staunchly religious family. I was schooled at home my whole life because the outside worlds was too dangerous, I was always very involved in church. I was raised to believe you weren't "saved" unless you were baptized and I never understood why God would have a dip in the water save you. When I was baptized I had a broken arm so couldn't be fully dunked in the water, I was always fearful I wasn't fully "saved" and would often try to baptize myself in the bathtub. Now I look back and this is sort of cute and funny, but it just shows my lack of understanding of God. But at this moment, I have very little interest in him and I hate to admit that.

I picture God the same as I picture my dad. Distant, farther than arms length, looking down on you in judgment, unhappy with your tears and true emotion, disinterested, only wanting you to "obey". I think it makes sense that I wouldn't be interested in being with him if that is who he really is. But part of me knows he isn't, the other part of me believes he is.

I do things to open up: I take walks and see how beautiful nature is, I remember how lucky I am to have my husband, and besides my illness, I live a good life. But most of the time the illness is in charge and I feel like I can't believe in anything being good, or in a God that loves me. But I'm trying to stay open minded, trying to remember that this is just another phase in my journey and that one day I will come to a place where I can see God's love for me.

Simple things challenge

 Check out Enchanted Oaks challenge, what a great way to spread the love around!

Simple things I adore:

Arranging fresh cut flowers
Watching the birds on our telephone wires
Reading
The way Ronald's face looks when he is sleepy
Journaling
How excited the dogs are to see me when I come home

Mother Mary

This is the picture I'm going to use for the Mary tattoo I'm going to get (this isn't my picture but I don't know who to give credit to since it was just a google image). The crown is my favorite part as well as her open hand and hand on her heart, I like how vulnerable she looks but at the same time she is protecting her heart.

I always get blue on the weekend. I wait for the weekend like I am waiting for something fantastic but it ends up just being another day of me being sick. Luckily Ronald is here with me which helps. I felt like this a lot as a kid. Looking forward to things and then being terribly disappointed, I would look forward to weekends but dad would ignore me just like during the week, and mom would be too busy cleaning to talk, or they got into a fight where they were silent the whole day and you could cut the tension with a knife. I waited for holidays; I waited for dad to come home; I waited for attention that never came.

"and from that day on everything under the sun and moon made me sad"

I'm falling, falling into the dwindling black hole. My monster comes stomping back into my life, clang! clang! clang! his muddy boots rattle. I feel his breath on the back of my neck, his desire for me-- to eat me alive, to ruin me and take me down to hell.

I have all this good stuff in my life. Ronald, in-laws that are like the parents I never had, a real sister, a few very good friends, and things still suck. I have a house, I live in my dream town, we have all this money coming in, I have the freedom to be artistic and make things all day, and I'm still stuck and sinking into doom. It's fucking frustrating.

I'm exhausted, I can't put into words how tired I am of all this shit. I get my hopes up when I have good days, but I'm realizing more and more that I shouldn't. I know I'm whining, but god it's hard. This really makes me not believe in God. How can he let people go through so much pain without rescuing them?

downess

I'm down for the second day. This feels remarkably typical as most medicine only works for me for a short time. Maybe this is cynical thinking, but regardless, it is.

I feel exhausted, irritable, sad, lonely and guilty. Since I have been writing down how I'm feeling everyday I've noticed how often loneliness and guilt come up for me, things I didn't realize I had issues with. I'm alone a lot, I usually enjoy being alone but lately it feels quite empty. I'm guilty because I was raised guilty. I hear the old gnarled tapes over and over of being blamed for not having a relationship with my dad. Of course it wasn't his fault but mine, I wasn't a good enough daughter. I would get in trouble by him for crying and was considered "too emotional". I was guilty for being myself; no wonder I hide so much now.

fleur

I'm down and grumpy today. I drank a little too much last night so that doesn't help. Things make me mad; silly things like how quickly food expires,  how much mud is in the house from the dogs, and how cereal is always too soggy or too crunchy. I'm also afraid of random things like how I could poke my eye out when I put mascara on and am terrified of the freeway off ramp to our house because sometimes I feel like I might keep accelerating and kill myself.

I hate these thoughts, they drone in the back of my mind in a snarly-devilish voice. They bark at me, frighten me, keep me on my toes. I feel like I can't let go and relax.

I am stretched in too many directions. Pulled until I feel like I might rip apart. I feel so much pressure and guilt. Guilt that I'm not better, that I'm sick, that I can't clean my own house, that I can't take care of myself, that I can't have our baby yet, that my parents think everything is my fault. It all makes me feel so gross.

"Let me work"

It's Tuesday morning and I'm dreading therapy. It will go by fast though and I know deep down it is good for me. It's kind of funny that I have been going to therapy for almost four years but still dread it every week just like on my first visit.

Sometimes I think this is all so pointless, this me trying to get better thing. I know I am feeling pretty good on the pills but this makes me feel so fake, something in me consistently whispers "you are a fraud, you are never meant to be happy". It makes me so sad that I have to take dozens of pills a week to feel sort of normal. The thing is, I know I'm not normal, I will never be normal. I am Catherine and that is not normal. Ugh, I hate these thoughts.

Yesterday I took the most amazing walk on the Iron Horse trail. I passed gorgeous houses and a few stables with horses, all the horses ran up to the fence hoping I had carrots and apples. Next time I'm going to bring my camera because there were so many things to take pictures of. It reminded me of how much I love to be in nature, it's too beautiful really.

goodness

I've been feeling pretty good for about a week. It's strange to have several good days in a row. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I'm able to craft, read, plan out my life (which I'm sort of obsessed with doing).

I want to live a simple and fulfilling life. When I feel ok this is in close reach, when I feel horrible I can't find it no matter how hard I look. I want to find a balance, I want to figure myself out and get truly better. I hate that I have to rely on medicine to get me to feel this way but maybe one day I won't have to.

Today is going to be a good day I think and tonight Ronald and I might go on a date which will be lovely. Ronald is almost done with his big work project and I'm so excited to get back to normal life.