slowly

Here is a picture of our feet in the sand on the day we got engaged. I wish I could go back to that day. It was a wonderful magical moment in our life. I remember driving home with him and staring at my ring absolutely giddy about our future. Our future is still exciting to me.

I'm blue today. Things have been so busy I have no time to think, to talk, to express myself. I hate feeling unexpressed, alone, tired.

I'm so anxious, so phobic about things. I'm worried the dogs will choke, run away, break their legs. I'm worried about earthquakes, Ron dying, getting into a car accident. When I'm in stores I imagine someone coming in with a gun or me breaking all the glass in the store on accident. I get flashes of gruesome scenes every time I see someone on a motorcycle, I am terrified I might run someone over in our neighborhood or hit someone on a bicycle. I'm worried my depression will come back ten fold and that I will do something irrevocable. No wonder I'm so unbelievably stressed.

This weekend Ron might go on a fishing trip if the weather permits. We both hope a storm rolls in so we will finally have some time together. I miss him horribly. I'm quite moody about it.

Now to the day, to hanging in, to getting through it.