"White dove what are you thinking of?"

I'm blank this morning. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I feel empty, alone, exhausted, angry, depressed and guilty. I get the Counting Crows song in my head "I've been up all night, I might sleep all day, get your dreams just right and let them slip away." I really am contemplating napping the entire day, that sounds so good. But it may not be a good idea to just wallow.

I don't know what else to say. I want to say "I'm blank, I'm blank, I'm blank." and "Oh God why is this happening to me?" I'm sort of in shock that this is my life. Sometimes it just hits me and makes me feel so lonely and vulnerable. I try not to think about it to keep myself from having an anxiety attack. Right now my heart is racing, I'm on the verge of tears and I feel this huge sense of loss. How many years have I lost from this illness? How much childhood did I lose because of my illness/parents? How much more time am I going to lose fighting this monster? Will I ever live a full life?

Right now I don't know the answer. Right now I'm just trying to hold on.