I'm having a hard time being here. It's not so much being here as much as I'm just having a hard time. I feel so self-conscious, I want to hide all day. My side effects are making me dizzy and sedated. I watch people and see how friendly and cheerful they are, I try to mimic them. Try to be truly interested in strangers, but really I am thinking of how sad I am and not even the people we are friends with ask how I am doing. I'm just upset today and cranky and so sad.
Once again I have come to the conclusion that everything I think and feel is wrong. All my thinking is skewed, my judgments are off, I'm not balanced, I'm one or the other. Even this is an example of my all or nothing thinking, I'm so frustrated.
I want to look into other ways to believe in God. I believe God exists and I believe in Jesus but I don't believe in the standard Christian lifestyle. I want to find a way that works for me.
As always, I am entranced by your photos. They seem to mimic how you are feeling so well.
ReplyDeleteThe others that you know at that camp disappoint me for not asking how you are doing, but not really if they are the one person that we both know, but I shall refrain from naming. She's just that way...
I just have to keep trusting and thinking that you are not that far off.. and as hard as you are working, these little steps shall pay off. It is not unusual in life to have a hard day that follows a good one. And unfortunately, those are so difficult for you.
And I must tell you that the "standard Christian lifestyle" - that is a myth. God said he does not want a lifestyle - just wants us to love him. That's all. You are more of a good hearted, loving example of who a Christ follower should be (example, your words about your friend Renee) than most of the people I know. And I know you pretty well, my dear.
Sweetheart, hang in there. Those of us who know and love you are with you. The rest don't matter.
Oh, Laura said it so well!! You have such a big heart and someday you'll see that the bad days and the good days are all fleeting you'll simply know that without having to climb back into the hole of sadness.
ReplyDeleteOn that same note, thoughts and feelings can never be wrong. They just are. And of course, your thoughts and feelings are different from those around you - none of anyone's are ever the same. We are all unique.
I've got this odd little ability, where I know exactly how a person is feeling when I meet them, no matter what they project to the outside world. You'd be surprised what many of them are hiding behind their friendly and cheerful exterior.
For much of my life, I always assumed that everyone was "normal" and happy and only I was such a mess. I've come to find out, that everyone has their hardships - some just know to hide it better. I think you do doing great just being you!! Don't change that!! You are lovely, you are strong, you are a bright and shining star...
Much love, Silke
Catherine I am so very sorry for your constant struggle. Feeling out of place and desiring to be part of the human race, I can so relate to. My heart goes out to you dear one. From what I have read, you have a lovely spirit. Blessings and safe hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to everything you wrote about. My big struggle to is trying to fit myself into what everyone else sees as an appropriate Christian lifestyle while fighting stereotypes and figuring out what I want my relationship with God to look like. It is a battle.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments.
ReplyDeleteLily, I know what you mean about trying to fit into the Christian lifestyle. I have finally gotten to a point where I don't really care about fitting in (in that area at least), I just want to be honest with myself and with God and right now I don't know what I believe or how I want my relationship with God to look like. I just know that I want it to be something authentic and real.
xox, Catherine