I'm so sick of being on medication that doesn't seem to work. It works well at giving me side-effects, it works well at making me so sedated that I don't even know if I'm awake sometimes, it doesn't work well at making me feel less depressed. I think it just numbs me. It just sedates me so I don't have the energy to think of cutting or killing myself, but I'm also so sedated that it takes away all my desire and motivation to do anything productive or healthy.
I have to push myself so hard to get anything done. To shower, to feed our dogs, to get out of the house. It's so hard. I was thinking last night about how as a child I always thought I would find freedom when I left home and was so excited to get away from my parents. I left their chains to a set of chains dictated by fate. If I had known I would be this miserable, I think I would have killed myself a long time ago.
Dearest Catherine - that last paragraph actually made me smile. Not about your plight or feelings, but because I've often noticed that in my life. I have changed situations, I have moved and I've always taken all my "crap" with me. It sucks, but you've got to take care of your inner stuff or you'll always have it with you.
ReplyDeleteBut you are doing great! You are having good days, bad days and pity parties - like most of us! You also have a very strong desire to live, to be happy and to have a fulfilling life with Ron, your dogs, your friends and maybe one or two little ones when the time is right!
You can do it! Things won't always suck. Sometimes, yes, that's just life, but not always!
And ... in my little opinion ... being sick of things is an excellent place to start. It's when I know very strongly what I don't want that I can discover what is truly important to me. And when I can start shifting just a little focus onto that ... life improves.
In the meantime, know that you are loved!! Silke
I have been where you are. I know how hard it is. It really can get better...
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering which med you are on. I tried so many before I found a combination that worked and said the exact things you are saying through that process.
All I can say is, if it's not working, tell your doc and try something else. It sucks to go through all of that hit-or-miss bull, but its the only way they have to do this at the moment.
I am on Seroquel and Wellbutrin now (with occasional added xanax or ativan) and it is working on many levels. I am not chronically depressed, I sleep almost every night and my emotions are genuine and about real things instead of all over the place and unidentifyable.
Hope you find some peace soon.
I'm so sorry things are a struggle for you right now. But with every struggle comes some peace. Whether you claw your way to that place or wait for it to come to you, it will return. We are all here cheering you on. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteI came here, and when I saw the 'with depression' I wanted to offer my support. I am 35 and had debilitating depression as a teen and 20's. I was hospitalized and went through extensive therapy. Today I live depression free. I do take a medication and have used other methods successfully. Please don't ever think of giving up. You can overcome this, it is hard work finding the way out but once you find the way out you are so relieved you never gave up. My life now is full of love and hardships and yet I still don't have 'depression', just the normal sadness you would expect.
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I'm sorry your struggling so much. I know the feelings though. I've felt that hardness but then days come and I feel like I'm flying. Hang in there ok. It does get better.
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