Last night I came out of hiding for a few hours. It was hard and scary and I cried a lot, but I think it was good. Ron and I were talking about how I'm afraid to let go and let my emotions out because I'm scared I will kill myself or start cutting again. We decided that it's worth the risk since keeping it in is also making me think I may commit suicide or cut. At least with me letting my emotions out there is a chance I will feel better, with me keeping my emotions in there is only the expectation that things will get worse.
I hate feeling out of control. I feel like I will get in trouble or be institutionalized. I feel like if I let it out it will never stop coming and I will cry forever. This is because in 2004 I cried for basically the entire year. Every day I would cry for hours and hours (not an exaggeration) and it was horrible and it didn't make me feel better.
All this to say that today I am scared.
I think you are doing quite well on your journey!! Coming out of hiding and allowing a little slack in control are a big deal!! Congratulations!!! And it seems like you didn't get into trouble and you didn't cry forever... I remember having those exact thoughts and fears. They never came to be and I'm pretty sure they won't for you either! Cheering you on!!!! Love, Silke
ReplyDelete