Tell it like it is

I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I believe he exists but I don't know if I believe in his mercy, goodness, and love for me. I was raised in a staunchly religious family. I was schooled at home my whole life because the outside worlds was too dangerous, I was always very involved in church. I was raised to believe you weren't "saved" unless you were baptized and I never understood why God would have a dip in the water save you. When I was baptized I had a broken arm so couldn't be fully dunked in the water, I was always fearful I wasn't fully "saved" and would often try to baptize myself in the bathtub. Now I look back and this is sort of cute and funny, but it just shows my lack of understanding of God. But at this moment, I have very little interest in him and I hate to admit that.

I picture God the same as I picture my dad. Distant, farther than arms length, looking down on you in judgment, unhappy with your tears and true emotion, disinterested, only wanting you to "obey". I think it makes sense that I wouldn't be interested in being with him if that is who he really is. But part of me knows he isn't, the other part of me believes he is.

I do things to open up: I take walks and see how beautiful nature is, I remember how lucky I am to have my husband, and besides my illness, I live a good life. But most of the time the illness is in charge and I feel like I can't believe in anything being good, or in a God that loves me. But I'm trying to stay open minded, trying to remember that this is just another phase in my journey and that one day I will come to a place where I can see God's love for me.