fleur

I'm down and grumpy today. I drank a little too much last night so that doesn't help. Things make me mad; silly things like how quickly food expires,  how much mud is in the house from the dogs, and how cereal is always too soggy or too crunchy. I'm also afraid of random things like how I could poke my eye out when I put mascara on and am terrified of the freeway off ramp to our house because sometimes I feel like I might keep accelerating and kill myself.

I hate these thoughts, they drone in the back of my mind in a snarly-devilish voice. They bark at me, frighten me, keep me on my toes. I feel like I can't let go and relax.

I am stretched in too many directions. Pulled until I feel like I might rip apart. I feel so much pressure and guilt. Guilt that I'm not better, that I'm sick, that I can't clean my own house, that I can't take care of myself, that I can't have our baby yet, that my parents think everything is my fault. It all makes me feel so gross.