Ronald is back at work and I'm back at trying to be comfortable being alone. I don't know how I am feeling. Last night while deleting extra files on my computer I ran into my mom's email where she let me go. Wow, was it harsh. Harsher than I let myself remember. It's incredible that my own mother, who knew I was suicidal and struggling could write something like that.
On the way home we talked about how I don't remember much of my childhood or teenage years. I don't feel like I remember much of anything until I met Ronald. All my memories with Ronald are real and vivid. I think since things were so hard I have blocked a lot of my childhood memories. I feel like I wasn't alive when I was a child, like I was just a shell going through the motions, I had to void out my emotions as a child so it makes sense that I would feel like a shell. I felt like I was always holding my breath. Always waiting for the worst.
I know what you mean...I always felt that way too. When I was in therapy...I learned how to breath again.
ReplyDeleteOh, how awful that you ran into that email. I am sorry dear. Awful and unpleasant...
ReplyDeleteThank you Sarah that you shared that you learned how to breathe. My dear Catherine, you will too. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, but I believe with all my heart that you will...
It is not unusual to have only memories of Ron and then going forward. Paul even more than me has the same memories. And one of these days, my dear, I will talk to you of my sister and her depression. She also hid the memories. But only after she remembered and dealt with her memories was she able to get better. it was a long painful road, but she is much better now.
I pray that for you, too.