I think I have some choices to make. I have to choose to be motivated, choose everyday to stay here, and choose to be emotionally vulnerable. Ronald and I were talking about how sometimes it seems that I work for one hour a week in therapy and then the rest of the week is spent trying to survive until my next session. This obviously isn't helping me get better. I need to work everyday to get better, not just once a week and I think letting my emotions out is a huge facet of it.
Basically, I need to stay strong and start working toward a goal. Not just a general "I want to feel better" goal, but maybe think of specific ways I want to feel better. Like: I want to not be self conscious when I go out by myself, or I want to be able to get out of bed every morning, etc. My biggest goal right now is to work toward being able to have a baby and be a healthy mother.
You know, Catherine, this post had some real strength in it. I can already feel the power of some of the decisions you are making! Decisions are wonderfully empowering that way - we may not always feel good, but I always think the feeling powerless is the worst of all. You are taking back some of your power and that is excellent!! And getting your crys out is a great thing.
ReplyDeleteI used to be so self-conscious and always thought others were judging me... Somewhere on my road of being better and loving myself, I stopped caring about what others thought and cared about what I thought of myself. That's when I realized that the person judging myself the harshest was myself. That was an eye-opener and brought some real kindness into my relationship with myself.
You are wonderful, beautiful and as different as we all are! None of us are the same - not one of us! And I'm happy to see you are starting to embrace your uniqueness...
Much love, Silke
Small, tangible and achievable goals are a very good way to lay a foundation to intangible ones. I find that any positive reinforcement I can give to myself helps me so much in my day to day life and makes it easier to live in between sessions, rather than live FOR sessions.
ReplyDeletean older recoving alcoholic used to tell me all the time....Inch by inch it's a cinch...yard by yard it's hard. Stay strong...Sarah
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