First of all I want to send all my love, prayers and support to my dear friend Renee and her wonderful family. As many of you know, she has been suffering with many forms of cancer and has been handling it with so much grace it's amazing. Even though I only know her through blogland I feel incredibly close to her, she is so compassionate and inspiring.
After the CPR class, Ronald and I returned to our little room with no television. He is sitting in a plush rocking chair with his feet propped up on the cooler writing a paper, and I'm varying between sitting and laying in bed reading, journaling and typing. I'm thinking a lot about how I am standing in the way of my recovery and I have some thoughts on it. Ronald and I talked about it on the way up and he really helped me see some of the ways I stand in my own way. Here is a list:
1. I'm afraid to truly let go of my parents out of the hope that they will magically become good parents or that if I let go of them I can no longer use my past as an excuse to stay stagnate.
2. I get lots of attention being sick. People worry about me, Ron stays home from work to take care of me. Since I didn't get a healthy amount of attention as a child I think that if I get better and am no longer sick everyone will start ignoring me again and I will return to being the scared little wallflower that no one gives a shit about.
3. My all or nothing thinking keeps me stuck because I always think the worst and get negative and fail to see the little steps I am making, which keeps me hopeless and in the revolving cycle of depression.
4. I'm afraid to get better because I'm afraid I will fail at being a healthy person. This one is pretty silly, but I do have a big fear that I will never be a healthy member of society. I just feel too different, like I don't fit in at all (maybe this isn't a bad thing?).
5. I know how to be the sick girl, I'm comfortable with it. I mean it sucks, but I know it by heart. The staying in bed all day, the stuffing your emotions, the strange bouts of suicidal thoughts-I know this very well. The illness becomes a friend, a neighbor, something close and sometimes even cozy. It's like at first it leeched onto me and sucked everything out of me, now at times I become a leech on the illness and use it for all it's worth.
6. I don't push myself hard enough. I think I do on my bad days. I mean taking a shower is like hell on those days, I'm an absolute train wreck, but I think I could push myself even more. It's going to be horrible, but I'm going to try it.
Now we are waiting for our buddy to come up and have a drink with us (yes we smuggled several bottles of liquor into a Christian camp), and then I might have a good cry and go to sleep.
More tomorrow.
What a fascinating post, Catherine! It really made me think and remember back when I used to sabotage myself. To me it's a natural response - we all try to keep the equilibrium and that which is familiar - sometimes at very great cost. The trick is (and that's where you are ahead of the game) to be aware of what you are doing to keep yourself on familiar (even if unhealthy) ground...
ReplyDeleteI used to do the same - it was definitely easier to blame circumstances and stay stagnant in that than it was for me to change. And even though circumstances WERE to blame for much of what I was dealing with, changing my life was completely up to me.
You'll find it incredibly empowering when you realize that you have the power to make changes and live a fulfilling life! Cheering you on full force!! Much love, Silke