Sometimes I think this is all so pointless, this me trying to get better thing. I know I am feeling pretty good on the pills but this makes me feel so fake, something in me consistently whispers "you are a fraud, you are never meant to be happy". It makes me so sad that I have to take dozens of pills a week to feel sort of normal. The thing is, I know I'm not normal, I will never be normal. I am Catherine and that is not normal. Ugh, I hate these thoughts.
Yesterday I took the most amazing walk on the Iron Horse trail. I passed gorgeous houses and a few stables with horses, all the horses ran up to the fence hoping I had carrots and apples. Next time I'm going to bring my camera because there were so many things to take pictures of. It reminded me of how much I love to be in nature, it's too beautiful really.
Ha! I don't know how many years I wasted trying to be "normal." Growing up that was my most fervent wish - and still now, my dad measures everything by "normal," whatever that might be. You'll never be normal and neither will I. Yet I do know that you can be happy! Right now the pills are assisting and helping you gain strength and perspective and at some point you may not need their help anymore. Either way, you are not a fraud and I think every one of us is meant to be happy! You, too!! So glad I found your blog!!! Love, Silke
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