My medication is from the devil I think. One makes me sweat constantly which is just unbearable and makes me not want to be seen by anyone. The others make me ravenously hungry so on top of the normal weight gain with these medicines I eat more than I should. I am keeping track of what I eat but have still gained about a pound in three weeks. Most of the medication is horribly sedating, I feel in a dream world almost constantly, my creativity is sapped, I sleep about eleven hours a night and still have to take a nap every single day; it's excruciating. I want to stop taking it all, I really truly do. Of course I am too smart (or too stupid) to do it without consulting my doctor. Lately though, we haven't had time to talk about it since so many issues have come up with my parents. Sometimes I feel like I am run through the mill in therapy, given a happy pill and left to fend for myself.
Yesterday I got so angry I wanted to cut my arms off. An old obsessive thought that actually hasn't come to mind for a few months. I almost cut myself in frustration. I'm so tired of not feeling. Even though I'm not depressed right now, I still can't feel a damn thing. Instead of cutting I cried and screamed which terrified the dogs, and I threw my cell phone against the wall.
Sometimes I just feel so lonely and like no one can understand me. I feel like I am screaming at my doctor for help and nothing comes. I am saying: I am tired of being on medicine. I am saying: I can't feel anything still. I am saying: I'm done with my fucking parents. I am saying: can anyone see me?
:( ..a friend used to tell me all the time it gets better. That made me really mad but then I found out...it does...in time...hang in ok...in your corner. Sarah
ReplyDeleteWhat Sarah said! It DOES get better, just hold on to that. And if you can feel such anger, you are feeling something and that's good. For me, being angry was the first step toward healing. Depression felt powerless to me, with anger I was starting to gain control in a some way. From there on, things did get better. We are all in your corner and cheering you on!! Much love, Silke
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to find the right balance with meds... I remember feeling as you do a couple years ago. I felt like a guinea pig with the trial and error method of medications. One day, maybe they will actually have it down to a science, but it felt like mideivel torture until I got the right mix.
ReplyDeleteAnd believe me, I understand what you mean about therapy, too. It's hard work. Its so hard.
But it does get better...