paddy

A little green for the blog to protect it from being pinched today. :) I don't know if I will wear green today, it feels so normal and I may want to be rebellious.

I'm feeling good this morning. The sun is so bright through the thin net curtains, we are home after groups of days away, I have red painted fingernails, I am feeling excited about the future.

I am getting over so many things. The main thing being my parents. They stood like boulders on my path to recovery and now I feel like I can look back at them rather than looking forward. My past doesn't have to dictate my future, they have no control over my life no matter what they do. I am still angry with them and sad but I feel like it doesn't affect my every moment like it has in the past. I have had so many depressed days from living in the past, from wandering through the little girl memories of abandonment, and rejection. This doesn't mean I won't have more depressed days, just that I have a better focus on the truth and I see that I have more control than I ever realized. I think my parents were the biggest thing in my way to recovery and part of me thinks I am getting through it.

If I continue to have more good days than bad for the next few months we are going to think about having a baby. It's so strange/exciting/wonderful. I feel ready, not totally ready, I don't think I will ever feel totally ready, but ready enough I think. I know it will be even more difficult for me since I'm bipolar but I think we can do it. It will be the most amazing/scary/magical/hard thing ever.