I learned yesterday in therapy that I have to feel my feelings and just sit with it. Stop over analyzing, stop trying to see it through a lens, just be with it like an uncomfortable encounter with a stranger. That's hard for me because I want to be in control, I want to seem normal, I want to seem happy and not so sunk and lost. I'm going to try to be more genuine. I hate how some people don't understand how I'm really feeling, but I need to be the first to give myself the understanding before I can expect that same understanding from others.
I hate this though, because I am scared of losing control, scared of people really seeing me. I don't want to be rejected and abandoned. This is the only place I really let myself be real and that makes me sad and I feel rather stupid about it. Mostly because I can only be honest typing in a fucking blog and staring at a computer screen. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and angry about this.
Dear Catherine,
ReplyDeleteI had to think about that for a bit. I think sadness feels so real to you because that's what's always underneath when you try to cover it up. For some people it's anger, for others, it's contentment and for still others it's happiness (and whatever other emotion there is). And I think whatever is there, it's good to just feel it and be it. I used to be so afraid to feel the so-called bad feelings because, like you, I was afraid of losing control. But avoiding them gave those feelings way more power in my mind than they really had. Do you know what I mean?
Once I just felt them honestly, I was ok. Not only that, I discovered that I was actually pretty strong. It made me more genuine all around and it also helped me to become more compassionate toward myself (and others).
I see you ... and I'm not going anywhere. Neither is anyone else who loves you!! Love, Silke