It's so hard because I have ups and downs. One up day, three down days, one up day, one down day, one up day, two down days. I can never get on a schedule, on an even keel. I am on so much medicine and am still swinging, still struggling with having energy, still battling to get through the days.
I just hate life, hate living. It's so hard, too hard for me. I keep going because I have to, not because I want to. Everything in me screams that I shouldn't be here, that this is all wrong. I try to smile and act around people, but that is something you can only do for so long. I'm fucking exhausted. I can't even describe it. I never thought God would allow things to get this bad. I never thought a person could go through so much and still be alive and ticking.
paying for you. it does get better. I used to think it never would. I used to scream at God...daring Him to kill me already. I'm grateful He didn't listen. ☺ Stay strong. Sarah
ReplyDeleteI'm with Sarah's comment! I used to hope to die every night for a long time and now I am so happy I didn't! When you are in it, it's so hard to see beyond that monumental and exhausting sadness, but maybe some of us who have been there and gotten through can give you a little hope and cheer you on!! Hang on - you WILL find happiness again!!
ReplyDeletePlus, I found it a relief when I stopped trying to be happy for other people and just sort of was myself around them, sadness and all. Just that acting takes enormous amounts of energy!! And amazingly, more often than not I found out others were going through similar things..
Love, Silke