"Welcome back your dreams were your ticket out"

So I'm back and oh how I missed you. I've decided I can't let things (like my distant mother reading) keep me from doing something I love. So here I am.

Things have been hard and fine at the same time. I'm in a good place medication wise but in a bad place emotionally. I had one of my best therapy sessions in a long time this week. We talked and I cried about my parents and how losing them is like a death, not so much losing them, but losing the idea that I will ever have good parents.

Mother let me go months ago. She wrote it in an email--how perfectly distant. I don't know how any parent can let their very sick daughter go and just wish her luck. Father was silent as usual. Maybe writing this is a way for me to lash out, maybe writing this is a way for me to finally be honest about the big secret I have been keeping for a long time. I keep it a secret to protect them. I keep it a secret to protect them from the true Catherine wrath that I often think they deserve.

I want to be honest on here, in some ways I don't give a shit about what everyone thinks, in other ways I care so much I would just die if people thought negatively about me. But I'm sick of this, sick of this dance around who I really am.

I have this deep mourning sadness in my center. As soon as things are quiet it comes creeping into me like a ghost. "A ghost, a real ghost" as the poets say. I try to stay busy to keep the black-demon-three-headed-monster away. This doesn't serve me anymore.