Forefront

I have a lot to do today. Most of it consists of being out in public and driving, both make me really anxious. I'm trying to think of the good things about going out. Listening to music in the car and going to the art store to get some craft supplies. These things are overshadowed by my fear of talking to cashiers, or being seen for who I am by strangers, or having to touch the cashiers hand when I grab my receipt (yes, a huge phobia of mine).

I need to take better care of myself. Treat myself well and gently but I'm so overwhelmed and not used to treating myself nicely. I feel guilty for so many things. I steep in guilt, I smell it, I live in it like an old cardboard box. I fear that I don't live up to people's expectations on one hand, but on the other hand I think "fuck it I don't want to live up to people's expectations, I just want to be me". That is much easier said than done though.

Today I am sad that we can't have a baby for a while, if ever. I worry we won't be able to have a baby because I'm so sick. I need to get more stable before we even think about it, but I'm so expectant, excited, shamed, broken hearted, jealous. I feel ashamed that I'm not strong like everyone else who can have kids no problem. I just wish I could be normal.