This is bipolar disorder for me. It's not manic, it's just really depressed or slightly stable. I wish for mania. I had a manic episode once and it was almost amazing. I didn't need to sleep, I was excited about the future, my heart pulsed harshly and I really felt alive. I know this wasn't a good thing, but to feel something other than sad was nice.
On Tuesday I told my doctor that I think I will always be a sad person. That is just who I am. I've been like this ever since I was a little girl. I'm not happy-go-lucky, I'm melancholy and introspective and in some ways I'm ok with that. He asked why I'm in therapy if I'm ok feeling sad. I responded that I want to be able to find meaning and satisfaction in life through the sadness, and I don't want to kill myself. I want to live a full life, even if it's a little dark and deep.
My main goal is to find an overgrowth of reasons to stay alive. I have a few but they don't seem like enough on my bad days. I want to find meaning, worth in myself, worth in the day to day. I want to have a simple life filled with love and not this impending feeling of doom.
Of course you want that. Everyone does.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can find a right combo of pills to help you feel balanced. Can you sweetheart.
xoxo
Oh, wow, this is like taking a look back in the looking glass at myself. Wow! I remember those same feelings and actually asking a good friend if she thought I would ever be happy again. She laughed (kindly) and said "of course." I couldn't see it then, but I see it now.
ReplyDeleteAnd I see it for you! You'll start having more moderate days at some point than bad days, and then you might actually have a better day than just a moderate day and then momentum takes over and things will start looking better. Nothing really changed in my life except the way I look at things and the way I value myself.
You are on the right track and so wise to get a doctor to help you! I did it without drugs (because my mother suffered from alcoholism and I was afraid I'd become dependent on the drugs), but I wouldn't do that again. So, you are much wiser than I was!
Sending lots of good thoughts!! Hugs, Silke
Oh, I keep meaning to tell you that you take the most gorgeous photos!! Hugs, Silke
ReplyDeleteRenee,
ReplyDeleteI hope I can find the right balance of medication too. It's a big challenge as I have been on medication for three years now and still haven't found the best combination. But I'm still trying.
Love you lots
Silke,
ReplyDeleteI love hearing about your story. I'm so glad you have found happiness and I wonder constantly whether I ever will, maybe it is possible for me too.
Thank you for the sweet comments about my photographs. I love your art and blog! You are so talented.
xoxo
just found you and read your last post. I remember those feelings...it gets better...it really does. Hang in ok. Sarah
ReplyDelete