C & H

We want to have a baby. A Cosette or a Henry. We are financially secure, have a cute little house with an extra bedroom, we both feel ready. The only thing standing in our way is my illness-- it stands like a brick wall in front of us and leaves us wondering...can we do this?

I would have to be off medication for nine months. This really is the part that scares me most. Then we would have the baby and I could get right back on these "magical" pills and feel somewhat stable. I think of postpartum depression, I'm sure I will struggle with this. I remember horror stories I've heard of a woman who wanted to microwave her baby.

I have dreams that I hurt our baby on accident. One that Henry is six years old and has night terrors because I have passed my illness on to him , the other that I am helping him walk when he is one and I somehow break his arm. I am so scared I am going to be like my parents: emotionally neglectful, overly dependent, overprotective.

At the same time I am incredibly excited, hopeful, expectant. Maybe I even feel ready at times. Most of the time though, I am scared to death and doubting that it is even possible. I am so cursed, how could I ever have a child and not curse it as well?