I cried a lot last night. It was a good cry, a cleansing cry. We saw The Time Travelers Wife last night and on the way home I started crying because I don't know if we will be able to have children because I am so sick. I don't know if I will be able to handle raising children, if I will be able to be off medication during the pregnancy. This scares me as I want to have children so bad one day. We are just in a wait and see mode as to whether it can happen or not.Then we came home and laid in bed and Ron kept saying "you're pretty, you're pretty." and I cried because I don't see that when I look in the mirror. Instead I see the weight and my dad's eyes looking back at me. Those unknowable eyes, and now they are mine to keep. We did some snuggling and fell asleep gently in each others arms. That was nice and good and filling.
This morning I feel tired and spent. Another day being me, just me...
Being you. Just you -- what a glorious gift.
ReplyDeleteHow was the movie? I read the book and really liked it.
One thing my Dad told me about 'what-ifs'. He said when 'what-ifs' come knocking, tell them to fuck-off. So I do and it works.
Love Renee xoxo
p.s. you write beautifully.
The movie was good. I think the book will be better though and am excited to read it.
ReplyDeleteYou're so pretty and have such a beautiful soul. Sometimes I wish I secretly lost my job so I could spend time with you and be your sudo-nanny for a few weeks!
ReplyDelete