bee

Ronald is so busy these days. He has school, work, poker coaching as well as trying to help me. Every night he is busy studying. I miss him. Its hard because I don't relax unless I know he is relaxing so I feel rather stressed at the moment.

We need to make an Autumn trip to the beach where we got engaged. I miss it. It has been over a year since we have been there. Its a bit of a drive to get there and we love miniature road trips. Its a beautiful drive with twists and turns and farmland. I just adore it.

In home news we have picked the color for the dining room and kitchen. Its called Russian Blue and is a cold grey-blue which is gorgeous. Now if only we could find some time to paint. I think it will be a few weeks before we can start.

I'm feeling so-so these days. A little muddled, very anxious. Anxiety is really annoying. Its like a constant shot of adrenaline. I'm anxious about driving, earthquakes, Ron dying, getting depressed again. All these little phobias.

Anniversary

Our anniversary was interesting. It usually takes us thirty minutes to get to San Francisco this time it took us an hour and a half. The museum parking was all blocked because of an event going on at Golden Gate Park. We couldn't find parking anywhere in the area so we had to leave. After two hours in the car we finally got out at Ikea. I started crying even though I promised myself no crying and no fighting. We went to a mall and shared a too chunky milkshake on a bench. My feet couldn't reach the ground so I swung them in the air and felt like a little kid. We ate our milkshake while looking into GNC--sort of ironic.

Then to Walnut Creek where we went to Barnes and Noble and to a steakhouse for dinner. They put rose petals on our table and gave us a free chocolate dessert. I drank two gin and tonics and felt relaxed and easy. Overall we had fun even though the days events were rather unexpected.

Now to getting into the week. Its Monday ugh...

Silly kids

We are still kids. We got together when Ron was twenty-three and I was nineteen. I remember thinking he was so old when we got together, such a grown up. Now that I have surpassed twenty-three, I realize how young we were when we got married. We are lucky to have come this far. We have beat the odds. We are in love and committed to each other.

I think the we have come this far for a few reasons. One being that we are best friends. We love spending time together and we have so much in common. At the same time we are both different and allow each other to pursue our own hobbies; we give each other space. Secondly, we are truly committed to each other and are not swayed by our feelings. We have both made a conscious choice and we choose every day to love each other, to stay together, to make our life special. Thirdly, we are totally honest with each other. We talk openly about everything. We respect each others opinions, we aren't afraid to fight but try not to argue about the things that truly do not matter.

We have come through some terribly hard times with my illness. Times where all I wanted to do was leave, times where I wanted to leave this earth; and we are still here--still in love. I think the biggest thing is that we understand that love is a choice not a feeling. Feeling love is wonderful but choosing to love is even better.

6

Sunday is our six year anniversary. It feels like we got married so long ago, but at the same time things are still so new between us. Its comfortable; terribly comfortable and magical. We live a simple life. We enjoy simple things. Doing home projects, reading together, talking, taking walks, our redundant-wonderful movie dates.

We've always wanted an uncomplicated life. Me staying home being artsy, Ron working but not being defined by his job, each of us having our own growing hobbies, a small nucleus of a family, a house with a white picket fence. Our house is far from having a white picket fence, but we are starting to make progress.

I love how strong he is, how effortless life seems to him--its very inspiring. I love how he believes in God but doesn't judge me for being on the fence. I love his smile, his face, his beautiful blue eyes. I love how tenacious he is. How he shushes me when I start to worry about unnecessary things. How he doesn't mind my quirks like how I buy him new socks instead of simply doing the laundry; how I rarely cook but love to bake store bought cookie dough and act like a pseudo baker. I love how he encourages me and fights with me and sticks by me even when things are harder than we could ever have imagined.

As you can see I love him. As you can see he loves me.

clean house

No dust bunnies.

Sparkly kitchen.

Tidy living room.

Made bed.

As you can see, I cleaned yesterday. Now that I did the major cleaning I think it will be easier to do one or two things every few days to keep things tidy. This is the first time I've been able to really clean in about two months so it took a long time to get things looking like this. I love a clean house, it feels so cozy in the evening with the candles lit and the little flowers on the coffee table. I hope my cleaning monologues aren't too boring...

I'm feeling ok today. Tired but not really down. Its nearly the weekend and that's exciting. We have no big plans which is the best. We may paint one of the bathrooms. We will also go read and see the new Tim Burton movie 9.

Our new favorite thing is going to Starbucks to read. Ron is reading The Pilgrims Regress and Roll the Bones: The History of Gambling and I'm reading The Time Travelers Wife, and Lincoln's Melancholy. Its so relaxing to read with him at a little table in the corner with a cup of coffee and the huddle muddle of the people around us. I look outside and watch the palm trees that I remember looking at before we were together. Did I mention the place we go to read is the same place we were at when we first got together? Did I mention that as soon as we got together we both new we would get married? I think we talked about getting married on our second date. Did I mention I'm lucky? Very lucky indeed.

pretty

I cried a lot last night. It was a good cry, a cleansing cry. We saw The Time Travelers Wife last night and on the way home I started crying because I don't know if we will be able to have children because I am so sick. I don't know if I will be able to handle raising children, if I will be able to be off medication during the pregnancy. This scares me as I want to have children so bad one day. We are just in a wait and see mode as to whether it can happen or not.

Then we came home and laid in bed and Ron kept saying "you're pretty, you're pretty." and I cried because I don't see that when I look in the mirror. Instead I see the weight and my dad's eyes looking back at me. Those unknowable eyes, and now they are mine to keep. We did some snuggling and fell asleep gently in each others arms. That was nice and good and filling.

This morning I feel tired and spent. Another day being me, just me...