but its over

Last night was hard. Everything felt lost. We couldn't sleep, Ron forgot to do his homework until 10:30, I kept crying and was moody. I'm sure the glass of wine, cherry bourbon and coke and mint julep didn't help. Its hard not to crave the momentary rush of alcohol.

This morning I feel weak, tired, sore from yard work. Here and not here. We are living, but I don't feel alive. I have to do things like feed the dogs, shower, dress and put on makeup. These things seem so utterly worthless to me. There is a huge disconnect between me and everyday life. I don't see the point in it. The point in waking up every single morning, of making breakfast, of doing the same mindless muddled tasks. I know this is all depression talk, but god it feels so real sometimes. So close and cunning. It breathes hotly down my neck with its stale breath.

Good things:

Ronald
Movies
Mrs. Dalloway
My leather journal
Amelia deciding she is allowed to sleep in the bed
Emails

Bad things:

Side effects
Dust bunnies
Messy kitchen
Depression
Laundry
A messy dank soul