I miss you

Today I'm looking back. I used to be so thin. I used to not be on antidepressants. I used to have energy.

I used to live in an adorable apartment with painted walls, nice floors, and amenities like air conditioning.

I used to wear chucks and be a rock and roll girl. I was messy back then, but not as messy as I am now. Sometimes I wish I could go backwards. I know I idealize the past, but right now, positive or negative, it looks so much better than being in the here and now.

We talked last night about how we need to stay with the family business, about how I don't snuggle him as much anymore, about how aloof and distant I've become. Its scary to see who you are, what you are; a lost girl, an unabiding demon loving hell bound animal, a depressed person.

He made me breakfast in bed this morning and I was shocked to see the pills on my nightstand. I forgot that I swallow those every morning and every night just to feel like this. Just to feel like shit.