baby

I never think about having kids. I used to--before I was sick, before I entered my cave with the little welcome mat. I said we would in five years and every year I say that. Keeping the thought at a distance. I do this because I doubt it could ever happen. I doubt I will be a good mother. I doubt that my illness will allow me to be present with my children. I don't want to give them a sub-par life, and I feel sub-par so why would I ever think of having children?

Yesterday I met with my Dr. (affectionately known as Dr. K) He said that I seem to use my depression as an excuse to never have children. I told him about how I feel like something is missing in my life, how I doubt it will ever be full and he reluctantly said that children may be whats missing. I told him I would think about it.

After talking to Ron and thinking about it all night, I think that may be part of whats missing. I think my "hole" has many facets; things are missing. Children are a facet, confidence is a facet, I hate to say it but God is a facet. I need to work on filling these parts up and finding the missing pieces like a little puzzle and putting myself back together.

Now I will allow myself to think of having kids. I will get excited about it, look forward to it and not use depression as my handy excuse.