autumnal

Its the first day of Autumn and I wore my acorn earrings to celebrate. But its 100 degrees outside as Summer is trying to hang on with all her might. I want her to let go and let me wear a sweater.

The dogs are playing, Ronald is doing homework and I'm here in my pajamas at five in the evening. Things are so simple, good, close, rotten all at the same time. I feel sort of blank these days, like a big ugly lump of clay.

Therapy has been hard. I've been coming to a lot of serious conclusions about myself and am trying to do better and get better. It seems like my depression is replaced by a seething creepy anxiety that beats and beats inside me. I'm terrified of earthquakes and wake in the night in anxious anticipation. Driving is scary to me, I get flashes of gruesome scenes in my head whenever I'm in a car whether I'm driving or not. I try to be strong and go places in spite of it but its starting to get debilitating.

Ronald and I talked about how it seems like I jump from negative to negative. From depression to melancholy, from melancholy to anxiety, I never let myself just be okay with how things are; I always anticipate the worst. I know there are chemical things going on too but there is also a very well worn rut in the road that I continue to follow. I believe I'm cursed--that I am not meant to live a happy life; so whenever I get close to being happy I hold back, panic, lull and hide. Its a bad wrecking ball sort of habit.