fist pump snap fold

The weekend went by too fast and I feel like shit. I'm so down and rotting from the inside out. I'm hopeless and blank and want to curl up and cry all day.

Good things:

movies
Ronald
Dexter
orange juice
doggies
we found good homes for the kitties
flowers waiting to be arranged in the kitchen
sleep
Christmas
Curb Your Enthusiasm
new CSI video game to play with Ronald
tea

be calm.

I'm trying to rest today and not get rushed and anxious. It's hard but yesterday was a good day so I think I have a little energy to work at having another. We'll see how it goes.

I think I'm getting used to being off my anxiety reducing medication. Every day is still a little scary. My heart pounds, I have a general nervous feeling, but I am slowly adjusting.

Our poor puppies need baths so bad. They are rather stinky so I guess poor us because aren't dogs happier the stinkier they are? Maybe I will bathe them while Ron does homework tonight.

Kitties

We are giving away our two cats. They are so sweet and cute but just too much for us right now in our small house with two dogs. Ronald's sister is going to take Eleanor so we just need to find a home for Oliver. I hope we can find him a good one as he is so adorable and funny.

I'm getting my haircut at a salon today. I usually cut my own hair and haven't been to a salon in about two years. I have a cute style picked out and am a little nervous, (mostly to stare into a mirror that long and to make small talk). I'm not good at small talk, I'm not good at looking in the mirror. I'm a self conscious wall flower to say the least (I wouldn't go so far to really compare myself to a flower though).

past and present

This is a picture of me from 2006 while I was in recovery from my first diagnosed bought of major depression. We went to the beach. I had this feeling that if I went I would be healed and I sort of was. I smiled big, I wrote in the sand, I felt the cold water soak the cuffs of my jeans. We rested on a blanket and stared at the water, I remembered how big God was.

Today I wish I could go to the beach. I wish it would heal me again just like it did on that stark magical day. I think that is a one time thing though. I think it is written somewhere that Catherine can only be healed by the beach once.

meltaway

I had a meltdown this morning. I was alone and it was bad. I cried and thought, sobbed and shook. I emailed and waited for encouraging responses from friends, I text messaged Ronald, I waited. Finally I fell asleep and settled down. Sometimes life can be just horrible.

I'm still not feeling great. I got out of the house for a bit, I ate something, I took my pills...it helped. Now I'm teetering on the edge of feeling so-so and plummeting into a deep dungeness depression. I don't want to get depressed again, I guess it's something nobody wants. The sick thing is I'm almost there and I can feel it, touch, taste it. Its slithery skin, its nailbiting horrors. Hello demon, welcome back.

bird

I'm tired this morning. Last night I had the Sunday blues and today I have the Monday blues. I hate the week. Being alone, being me, being sick.

I am off alcohol because of my medicine, and off caffeine to help delay my anxiety. It seems to help but God what I wouldn't do for a glass of bourbon or a coke.

Good things:

Ronald
Isabelle
Amelia
In-laws
Vegas
Tea
Christmas
Decaf mochas
Toast
Cold
Leaves
Green grass
Blankets
Snuggling
Sleep
Crafting

We run so bad

1.) Phil Ivey busts out on the WSOP Final Table in seventh place.

2.) Ron's poker tracking software's database gets corrupted losing over 250,000 hands. Causing him to buy a ton of new software.

3.) Money is tight because we forgot to get our reimbursement check.

4.) Ron's poker bankroll has been hit hard, right around Christmas of course.

5.) Our xbox 360 has the red light of death which means it's nearly kaput.

6.) I've been feeling like shit lately.

I feel tense and frustrated today. It seems like right when we start getting things in order it all falls apart. I know there are a lot of things going right for us but today I feel like it has all gone to hell.

monsters

The dogs are cute and crazy. They keep wanting to go outside to play in the mud. I have a headache. Ron's computer keeps crashing. All the beginnings of a good day...

Today is the World Series of Poker Main Event final table. We are going to get Chinese food at our favorite place and listen in to the updates on the radio. Should be fun/relaxing.

I'm so excited for Christmas. I can't wait to get a Christmas tree and to fill the house with cinnamon candles. This year we are going to Vegas up until Christmas eve with Ronald's parents. We are going to stay at the Monte Carlo and go see The Lion King musical. It should be really fun.

Now to trying to get rid of this headache...

esteem

I'm having serious self-esteem issues lately. I feel fat, disgusting, used up and ruined both emotionally and physically. I am so out of shape, my medicine has made me gain so much weight, I feel horrible. Every night I dream that I have lost weight and every morning I wake up to the same old me. I think back to when I was tiny and think of how happy I was. But really I was just as unhappy as I am now; I felt disgusting, I was ashamed to tell people my size. In retrospect I see how silly/stupid/young I was.

I'm having so much anxiety. I'm scared of being alone, scared to even leave the house. I can't drive and constantly imagine horrible things happening. I have to work harder, work at controlling this monster. Today I'm just exhausted though. Today I don't want to face it.

makeover

Here are pictures of our living room makeover. I love the separate sitting area and our new couch is so comfy. It turned out better than I imagined which is a good thing.

I'm down and shaky this morning. Sort of scared that something horrible is about to happen. My heart races with the poker-prod of anxiety. I'm down partly because I had bad dreams last night and partly because I'm cursed.

We are getting our new couch delivered today. I hope it won't be as much of a sick bed as this couch was but have a feeling it will. Things are hard; things are going to continue to be hard and I need to accept that. My demon isn't going to just go away one day, it's going to be a forever struggle.

I have to work hard, with resolve, with my eyes always open. I have to decide every day to stay here, to fight, to move forward. Its scary--its everpresent-exhausting but its my lot and I need to be ok with that.

Weekend date

Ronald with his very serious "are you really taking a picture of me?" face.

Me with my half blinked right eye.

Most weekends we go to Starbucks to read. We usually play on our laptops and I'm sure we look quite disconnected and astutely technological. This is one of my favorite parts of every weekend though. Being quiet, being with him, getting some things done, getting introspective for a bit. Then we have lunch at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant and see a movie.

I've been tired and down the last few days. It's really no fun. The monster is here, in the backyard watching me. He holds me tighter and tighter until I can't breathe, until my eyes bulge. I'm so tired of it, but I need to accept this. Accept that he will always be there, lurking, trying to catch me off-guard and take me under.

downing

I'm tired and down. This is somewhat usual. I want to sleep all day, hide in a bleak winter forest and never come out.

I hate being depressed; it seeps and creeps like a Halloween ghost into my pores. I can't write anymore. Nothing good comes out of me. I know this is all demon talk, but damn--today it feels so real.

Novembre

Happy new luscious November. I adore this time of year. It is so bright and golden this morning, I can't wait to go outside and enjoy it.

For Halloween Ronald and I stayed up past our bedtime and moved furniture around in the living room. We made two different seating areas and it looks quite mature and nice. On Wednesday we get our new couch so I will post pictures then.

Today we are doing the usual movie date and Starbucks reading time. I love the weekend.