Ducky

These are some baby ducks that live in Disneyland. I would love to be a duck that lives in Disneyland, I bet they get so many coos and sweet treats.

Up early. A whole grain waffle, orange juice and coffee breakfast. Now to swallowing the pills and getting over it.

I'm frustrated with myself. I have a scant amount of energy that slithers away from me so quickly. I am blue as a box. I am afraid of being close and vulnerable with him. I have no ambition, no motivation, no ever-loving high-holy belief in myself.

Isabelle

Poor Isabelle is so hairy these days you can hardly see her eyes. I am going to call the groomer today and set up an appointment for her to get a trim. She hates the groomer with a passion so its hard to let her go (yes, she is spoiled).

I'm feeling so-so today, up and down at the same time. Ron is home with me so that is definitely a good thing, but I'm still melancholy as hell. I don't quite know what to write about it anymore.

Yesterday I was able to go to therapy, tidy the house, go to Costco with Ron and paint my nails. That is a very successful day for me. My energy is slowly, slowly creeping back which makes me terribly, unbelievably happy. I was so debilitated even last week, I could hardly stand up. I can't wait to start cooking, living, gardening, writing, creating again. I know this will also help some of my depression subside. I guess this morning I have a little hope.

(mostly) clean house

Yesterday I had energy. It was an amazing amount of energy. I was able to go out by myself and run errands (something I haven't done in weeks). I came home and cleaned, dusted, did some laundry and even had the energy to make pasta for dinner. It was wonderful to say the least I hardly needed a nap in the afternoon but took a small rest anyway. Today I still feel a slight pulse of energy. What an interesting and exciting turn of events.

I don't know the exact reason why this energy has come about. It may be from the Lamictal or from the Zoloft which I have been on for about a week, or an increase in sheer will could be the culprit. Whatever the cause, I'm relieved to know that I may not be doomed to a lack-luster life.

Home sweet

I have a love/hate relationship with our house. I love it because of our blue-green and white living room, I love it for its location, for its snug vintage kitchen with the faded orange counters, I love the beams on the ceiling, I love its quiet street and the enormous tree in the front yard. I hate it for its unfinished walls, the holes in the floor, the brown weeds in the yard, the old cracked linoleum and this impending feeling that the roof over the garage is sinking. But its our little bungalow in the midst of an extremely ritzy neighborhood that I feel we don't necessarily fit into, our house definitely does not. That makes me sad and happy at the same time.

Ron and I got food poisoning from some pizza we had the night before last. We both have tummy aches and just feel miserable. Poor Ron had to go teach regardless. I finally want to go grocery shopping but don't know if I can because of the ache. My plans dashed again. There seems to always be something getting in the way of my goals. Oh well.

fern-ish

These are pictures I took from my sick bed. I'm tired of resting. I lay on the chaise with blankets and my most comforting pillow and sleep; sleep for hours and hours. I wake for a quick lunch and see part of a show and then back to sleep. I take at least two naps a day followed by a full nights sleep. I feel like a sick swaddled baby.

Its hard because part of my living in bed is due to my I-can't-even-describe-it lack of energy but its also due to depression. I don't see the point in doing anything; I don't have the desire to do anything; I don't have the energy to do anything. I used to love going out, doing crafts, cooking, going to the market for fresh flowers and vegetables. Now I can't seem to even get out of bed, to shower, to stand up.

Today I'm going to try to do something with Ron's help. Maybe go out, or tidy some of the mess in the house, or scrapbook. Its daunting to think of doing anything but I need to try hard, to put all my dwindling strength into it.

Why I need a nanny

I need a nanny. A nanny to wake me up, make me breakfast, clean the house, help me dress, brush my hair, and take care of the dogs. These things are nearly impossible for me to do right now. I imagine my nanny a large sweet kind woman in vintage garb (she has to somehow be transported from 1901), she is gentle and pleasant to talk to and gives me good advice.

Above are my two sick beds, our bed and the chaise in the living room. I hate these places, they remind me too much of being sick. I love my art room, but wish I had the energy and ability to spend time in it, tidy up and create.

Its so hard being this depressed and having no energy to distract myself with other things. Instead I live in mess and clutter, I can't even take care of myself. This makes things so much worse. Its hard to describe how debilitated I am right now, I'm good at hiding how much this bothers me, I'm good at pulling myself together when I have to and hiding how hard it is to shower, dress, get made up--how this takes all my energy.

I'm alone for a few hours this morning and it is hard and I'm lonesome. I'm glad I miss him so much when he is gone. He is utterly amazing; working and going to school and caring for me. I don't know how he does it.

yard work

Things I learned this morning:

a. I am not good at pruning
b. Some moths bite
c. Prickle bushes cut you
d. Dead weeds can make you sneeze

I actually had some energy this morning to help Ron with yard work. I pruned, plucked, prodded. Watered the few living plants we have. Swept and raked. We talked about landscaping and have some plans that we are pretty exited about. One being building a raised garden in the backyard. Our house is so in need of love and care and we are trying our best with the little time and money we have.

Now to the rest of the day and the slow sinking feeling when the endorphin high starts to wear off. At least its the weekend. At least I'm with someone I love.

past due

Last night I plowed through my writings and chose a few to share. Here is my first installment:

----
This is a different sort of tired needing a different sort of sleep. A sleep I cannot find yet. I have a heart that won't dance, a preposterous self-loathing. A miracle workers hands which nothing comes out of. Nothing is formed, no self-admiration, nothing made with these hands. Types on lettered keys, X and O from lip to cheek, done tongue in cheek. My chewed up tongue from animal instinct.
----

Yesterday I took a shower before noon. I went to the grocery. I cleaned out some of our pantry. I took a nap. I cried at night about my lack of energy. I did a load of laundry out of necessity. My most successful day in weeks. Today I will do some more laundry, change the bed sheets, finish organizing the pantry.

Wish me better, wish me will, wish me luck.

tiny

Here is my gorgeous little vintage ring. Its tiny and dainty and I love it. It was really hard to get a good picture of it as it is so small so this was the best I could do.

Yesterday was another down one. I wasn't able to do anything but nap and finally take a shower at 4:30 so we could go to dinner with Paul and Laura for Paul's birthday. I don't know how I had the energy to do that, I feel dead this morning.

I have to go to the market today but don't know if I can. I am so stuck right now and so unbelievably exhausted, its hard to describe. I'm absolutely sapped. My thyroid medication is supposed to give me energy but that hasn't kicked in yet. Instead I only have the side effects like nausea and a splitting headache.

This weekend Laura and Paul are coming over to help us with the house. Laura will help me clean. I have such a hard time when they come over, I get a lot of anxiety because I'm afraid they will judge us. Our house is such a wreck and I need so much help but I wish I didn't. I wish I could keep things clean, but I just can't. It isn't that I don't want to, its that I'm physically unable to. I need to just be brave and accept the help but my 1950s housewife sensibilities sure go through the ringer at times like this.

Things I want to do around the house when I have energy:

Vacuum
Mop
Organize bills
Dust
Clean out and organize pantry
Organize and clean my craft room
Clean the bathrooms
Buy new plants for the front yard and be a gardener
Laundry

Night falls softly

I'm back in the saddle after two days off. My old blog had to be set aside as there were too many people I knew reading it. Now I have only a select few reading (so you should feel rather special). It feels much better just to allow my real thoughts to go to a handful of people but mostly to let them float out to the gods of cyberspace. I'm not going to start new and explain my whole story, I'm just going to start from where I left off.

Today the doctor raised my Lamictal to 200 mg. He said Lamictal acts like a rubber band. It pulls you up from the bottom (depression) but keeps you from swinging up to the top (mania). I'm in it though; in the depression. Lulling and wading in the muddy pit of it looking for something to hold onto, something to pull me out. There is nothing yet.

I have a very scarce amount of energy. Just enough to wake up, get out of bed, maybe shower and take care of the dogs. Everything else feels like extra credit. Its really exciting when I can do something other than the basics like make brownies, or go out.

This afternoon I worked on my scrapbook. I will post pictures of it tomorrow. I love it because I am just saying and pasting what I want, what I like. Sometimes its hard to do that. But I did it today and am happy.