esteem

I'm having serious self-esteem issues lately. I feel fat, disgusting, used up and ruined both emotionally and physically. I am so out of shape, my medicine has made me gain so much weight, I feel horrible. Every night I dream that I have lost weight and every morning I wake up to the same old me. I think back to when I was tiny and think of how happy I was. But really I was just as unhappy as I am now; I felt disgusting, I was ashamed to tell people my size. In retrospect I see how silly/stupid/young I was.

I'm having so much anxiety. I'm scared of being alone, scared to even leave the house. I can't drive and constantly imagine horrible things happening. I have to work harder, work at controlling this monster. Today I'm just exhausted though. Today I don't want to face it.

makeover

Here are pictures of our living room makeover. I love the separate sitting area and our new couch is so comfy. It turned out better than I imagined which is a good thing.

I'm down and shaky this morning. Sort of scared that something horrible is about to happen. My heart races with the poker-prod of anxiety. I'm down partly because I had bad dreams last night and partly because I'm cursed.

We are getting our new couch delivered today. I hope it won't be as much of a sick bed as this couch was but have a feeling it will. Things are hard; things are going to continue to be hard and I need to accept that. My demon isn't going to just go away one day, it's going to be a forever struggle.

I have to work hard, with resolve, with my eyes always open. I have to decide every day to stay here, to fight, to move forward. Its scary--its everpresent-exhausting but its my lot and I need to be ok with that.

Weekend date

Ronald with his very serious "are you really taking a picture of me?" face.

Me with my half blinked right eye.

Most weekends we go to Starbucks to read. We usually play on our laptops and I'm sure we look quite disconnected and astutely technological. This is one of my favorite parts of every weekend though. Being quiet, being with him, getting some things done, getting introspective for a bit. Then we have lunch at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant and see a movie.

I've been tired and down the last few days. It's really no fun. The monster is here, in the backyard watching me. He holds me tighter and tighter until I can't breathe, until my eyes bulge. I'm so tired of it, but I need to accept this. Accept that he will always be there, lurking, trying to catch me off-guard and take me under.

downing

I'm tired and down. This is somewhat usual. I want to sleep all day, hide in a bleak winter forest and never come out.

I hate being depressed; it seeps and creeps like a Halloween ghost into my pores. I can't write anymore. Nothing good comes out of me. I know this is all demon talk, but damn--today it feels so real.

Novembre

Happy new luscious November. I adore this time of year. It is so bright and golden this morning, I can't wait to go outside and enjoy it.

For Halloween Ronald and I stayed up past our bedtime and moved furniture around in the living room. We made two different seating areas and it looks quite mature and nice. On Wednesday we get our new couch so I will post pictures then.

Today we are doing the usual movie date and Starbucks reading time. I love the weekend.

Rachelle left yesterday. I had such a fun time with her! We crafted and shopped the whole time which was awesome. I won a poker tournament the night before she came so I had some money to spend. Ship me the money.

Yesterday Ron and I bought a new couch! It won't arrive until Wednesday so I need to be patient but it is so cozy. It's tan and reclining and a perfect for snuggling with a big blanket. So glad to get rid of our broken sectional.