The grass is always greener

Our grass and weeds in the backyard are finally turning green and luscious. I love looking out the kitchen window while doing dishes and seeing all the color.

My friend Rachelle has been visiting from Washington this week. It's been so much fun. We have gone thrifting and done some crafting. Tomorrow we are going to go to the city on BART (our little above ground subway) to do some shopping and photo taking, it should be fun. I need to find some winter warmies like sweaters and a jacket which is always dreamy to shop for.

I've been feeling weird lately. First of all, I'm trying to get off caffeine which is giving me withdrawals. Second, I'm getting off one of my medications and that is causing me to have withdrawals and anxiety. Luckily, things are starting to mellow out so I'm feeling a little better. Anxiety is the worst. It's like a constant heart race monster right in the center of you that promises that the end is near.

My friend Rachelle is coming to visit from Washington tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to it. It will be nice to have some time to just have fun. I need to have more fun in general. I get so caught up in my illness and self-consciousness that I often forget to let loose and have a good time.

I'm trying to get healthier. Here are some of the things I am working on:

Less caffeine (tea for breakfast instead of coffee)
Yoga (haven't started this yet)
Taking a multivitamin every day
Meditating
Trying to relieve stress

The stress thing is hard because I have generalized anxiety disorder which means that I constantly have a feeling of impending doom and always expect the worst. I'm trying to talk about it more and recognize that most of the things I worry about never happen.

peter peter pumpkin eater

Today is going to be a shitty one. I have to clean the house as I haven't all week. Laundry, sweeping the house and the garage (as Amelia ripped open a bag of concrete), dusting and setting up my art room for crafting. Then I have a doctors appointment that I'm dreading. At least Ronald is able to come with me which will make things a little easier.

Cleaning is no fun, doctors are no fun. Yes, yes, it's going to be a bad day.

sock monkey

Last night I found some little sock monkeys for $4.99. I bought two, one for the dogs and one to set cutely on a shelf. I love sock monkeys. They are so cute and remind me of the fifties.

I'm feeling ok this morning. A little blue as Ronald thought he could stay home with me but found out he needed to go into the office. Oh well, I will see him tonight. He is teaching a poker lesson tonight then to eating pasta for dinner and homework.

I'm so excited to get our living room set up. We are going to hang the television above the fireplace, buy a new brown couch, and set our two gorgeous blue velvet chairs out with a shelf in the middle full of books and other goodies. I'm excited to get things looking pretty and to get rid of our broken couch.

frond

I used to have a poppy in a pot in the front yard before my blue thumb killed it. I also was happy just a few days ago. Now I'm as blue as my thumb. Blue and green and orange with each thumping beat-beat of my heart muscle.

Therapy today--another reason I'm blue. I don't think I will ever be excited to go to therapy. It's too hard of a process, too difficult to be vulnerable and open with someone who you pay to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I do have a certain respect and even affection for him, but still I can't shake the idea as I write the check that this is a fraudulent relationship.

I feel like throwing up. I want to throw up my heart and soul. Clean and organize it all, fix the broken pieces and then put it all back. Maybe this would make me less restless and forever-gloomy.

Good things:

Ronald
Autumn
Puppies
Rain

Bad things:

Melancholy
Pills
Nausea
Anxiety
That sick feeling that you will never be happy

evaporate

It's nice and stormy out. Sort of rainy, sort of not. Cloudy and luscious. Our dead grass and weeds are starting to turn green.

Yesterday was a down day and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was for no reason. That is often how depression works. It's clockwork hinges and gears twisting your soul into a ho-hum malady.

Today to fighting to feel better. To enjoying the weather and sweet feeling that Autumn is here.

"peat moss, what have you"

We are at Starbucks (again). Ron is doing homework and I'm reading and writing. Ronald is going to do a paper on Sylvia Plath tomorrow for school. I'm so excited as I am his unofficial expert on the subject of Syvie and of course, she is my absolute idol so any chance to talk about her or think of her is a good thing.

The music is quiet and droning. I'm tired and down today. We took a walk because I was down and that didn't help. We had lunch together at one of my favorite places and that didn't cheer me up. Now it is quiet, now I am left with my own seething thoughts that drill like miters in my head. The demon prances and frolics through me, emancipating himself in my actions and words and tears.

As Syvie says:

"You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or achoo."

It's loud. I feel blank and ruined.