frond

I used to have a poppy in a pot in the front yard before my blue thumb killed it. I also was happy just a few days ago. Now I'm as blue as my thumb. Blue and green and orange with each thumping beat-beat of my heart muscle.

Therapy today--another reason I'm blue. I don't think I will ever be excited to go to therapy. It's too hard of a process, too difficult to be vulnerable and open with someone who you pay to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I do have a certain respect and even affection for him, but still I can't shake the idea as I write the check that this is a fraudulent relationship.

I feel like throwing up. I want to throw up my heart and soul. Clean and organize it all, fix the broken pieces and then put it all back. Maybe this would make me less restless and forever-gloomy.

Good things:

Ronald
Autumn
Puppies
Rain

Bad things:

Melancholy
Pills
Nausea
Anxiety
That sick feeling that you will never be happy