penguin

These are my new favorite little friends. Two iron penguins I found at the thrift store. They are so cute set near our fireplace.

Amelia is finally a grown up dog now so we need to change her to adult food. I am so sentimental and this makes me a little sad. My baby is all growed up. Hehehe.

Starting tomorrow we are doing a major home project. We are going to change out our sliding glass door to a new smaller one. Its exciting but the logistics of the whole thing are overwhelming. First it will cost a lot of money, second it will take three days, third we have to hide the kitties that entire time so they don't run away.

Today I want to clean the whole house so that when my in-laws come over to help us with the door they will see the cleanliness that is the non-depressed me. Sort of silly but I think all of us want to impress our in-laws.

xoxo

Floral

I love flowers. I love arranging them and looking at them throughout the day. One day I would love to sell little bouquets at the farmer's market.

I'm waiting on some news that I won't get until Tuesday. It's nerve racking because I'm not good at waiting. I have to be patient and prepared. I can hardly sleep at night worrying about it.

I'm exhausted this morning after being up for two hours in the middle of the night. Now to the day and carrying on and holding back these incessant jitters. Wish me luck.

Solitude

I love being alone. That's one reason I hate working--being around people all day is overwhelming. I live in my own solitary little cocoon of a house during the day. Resting, writing, being creative, cooking and cleaning, followed by an evening with the one I love. That's all I really want. A simple Catherine sort of life.

I want to live more creatively. I miss making things and writing. I doubt myself out of doing the things I really want to do. I'm tired of this cyclical habit of avoidance. I avoid the things I love because I'm scared of being vulnerable and afraid of failing.

I'm pondering this morning. Wondering about certain things, self-loathing in others. I am a big messy mess today. Oh well.

Autumn day

I'm sitting out in the backyard. The dogs are calm and sunbathing on the deck. Its beautiful out. A little warm in the sun but there is a crisp breeze that rolls through every few minutes. The birds are chittering, there is a dragonfly circling. And I am curious about a lot of things.

I went grocery shopping in my pajamas this morning, everyone looked as tired as I was with puffy eyes. I bought several delicious vitals including two honey crisp apples, which are my favorite. This week we are barbecuing, having fajitas, alfredo with bow-tie pasta, and chili. It all sounds quite yummy. I love cooking--it tastes so much better than eating out.

In wonderful news my friend Rachelle is coming down from Washington to visit at the end of the month! I'm so excited to see her. She is an awesome crafter-creative girl and has helped me so much during my bouts of depression. She emails me several times a day to check in and encourage me. She is a true friend and I can't wait to see her.

Now to resting and crocheting.

Poochie bath time

Our little monsters were quite stinky, so this morning it was bath time. They hate baths. First Amelia gets excited because I bring out her leash, then she is so disappointed when I head to the backyard and tie the leash to the barbecue. She knows exactly what happens next. She loved licking the new coconut shampoo I was using and Isabelle whimpered throughout hers. Poor girls who are now very happy. They always have an after-bath party where they play like ninjas.

Ronald has homework all weekend so I have a lot of free time to craft and relax. I think I am going to work on making a doll or a bunny rabbit. I also want to crochet and scrapbook.

It's nice having Ronald home for several reasons. One being that it helps quell my anxiety for a while. A much needed break from the heart racing temple-tumbled beast.

Owl love you forever

I went through iphoto this morning and found lots of old cute photographs. I seem to not be so good at taking pictures of daily life, so these pictures will have to do.

I'm so happy its Friday! This has been the longest week. I can't wait for the weekend. Saturday will either be without Ronald or doing home projects with Ronald's parents, Sunday will be our first day of rest in a few weeks. Of course Ronald will have homework both days but maybe we will have time to go read or go on a little movie date.

It's so cold in the mornings and I love it. Autumn makes me feel so alive and present, so excited and expectant for things to come. I'm inspired to write again (finally), to go to Starbucks and read, to go to parks and take pictures.

I would go to Starbucks if I felt a little less self-conscious. I feel huge and think that everyone sees me as a chubby Goliath monster. I mean huge; I mean that I think I can't fit through doors huge. Its horrible. Its debilitating. It keeps me from doing the things I want to do. Sadly, even when I was small I felt this way. I think I have body dysmorphic disorder, which sucks. I'm trying to get over it. Having a guy as a therapist makes me uncomfortable to bring these things up. It seems like whenever I do he skims over it like it isn't a big deal. I think a woman would understand better. Maybe I will talk to him about it this week. I don't like being seen, in public or anytime really. I wish I could hide forever and wear a poncho all the time to hide how I really look.

Anyway, I didn't mean to fill this post with self-loathing but I guess I did...

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

xoxo

wonky

This is a horrible picture but I had to commemorate my first sweater of the season. My gorgeous red thrift store find. You can see all the laundry behind me (that I have finally put away), our unmade bed and my pink wrinkled skirt that I just pulled out of the basket. Yes I am rather put-together/un-put-together.

There are tree trimmers outside and both the dogs are going crazy. Amelia who never barks is barking and growling. She has the funniest bark as she never practices (thank God). I gave them both a time-out and locked them in the bathroom for thirty seconds but that only seemed to make things worse (thank you dog trainer). Ugh.

Today I'm going to organize my closet. All my clothes are on the floor and I figure I should hang everything up, color coordinate and take out all the clothes that don't fit anymore. This is one of my least favorite things to do.

Anxious today. I might take a Klonopin, the high holy medicine that can calm me down to a lush stupor. We'll see...