"let me get what I want this time"

I just got home from running some errands. There were so many women in track suits it was a little scary. I went to Trader Joe's, one of my favorite stores and was so excited as to how cheap milk was there, yes, I'm weird.

Last night my sister and I went to our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. The owners know me and made me a small noodle bowl of what I usually order just because. It was so sweet. I just love that place. We did some shopping and I found a dress for $7 and a hoodie for $3. Oh bargains, how I love thee.

I'm tired. I slept so-so last night but still woke up exhausted and took an hour nap after breakfast. I'm feeling ok these days. I have had so much creative energy but not the inspiration I used to have in writing. I think I write better when I'm depressed and melancholy, I like to write about dark things and when I'm not in a dark place my writing sort of disappears. Kind of disappointing.

Now to crafting, cleaning and cooking tonight. I'm a bit obsessive about cooking and cleaning these days, but I'm enjoying it so I guess there is nothing wrong with it.

random

We are at Starbucks in Pleasant Hill.

We just had lunch at Rubios (yummy baja/mexican food), and in a bit we are going to see Greenberg, a movie with Ben Stiller.

I'm tired and once again didn't get a good nights sleep.

I'm drinking iced coffee that is too sweet and wishing I was wearing jeans instead of a skirt.

Today is an official day off and that feels great. It has been a while since we have had a day to ourselves.

I'm tired.

We have been watching The Lord of the Rings and nerding out. We also recently bought a flip hd camcorder and have been making videos about our rather geeky life.

This Starbucks is rather beepy.

We are going to Washington this month.

Amelia's new habit is trying to sleep on the absolute middle of the bed squishing me incessantly. She recently jumped on the counter and ate a brownie which I assume she loved.

We are going to Disneyland for Ronald's birthday.

I bought a laptop bag with a screen-print of a scene from The Royal Tenenbaums on it.

I think we have one of the coziest beds in the world.

The end.

thumbs

Yes I am growing herbs, and yes, I haven't killed them yet. Yes it is 3 am, and yes, I am blogging. The last three nights I have woke at 3 and not been able to fall back to sleep for at least an hour. It's really frustrating. Tonight I'm denying my pop tart comfort, I'm tired of eating for oh so many reasons.

I look horrible these days. I never ever ever thought I would be a "fat" person. Maybe this is just 3 am thinking. I wish I had more motivation to take better care of myself but I'm so fucking exhausted emotionally trying to stay afloat. I'm having one of those "why me?" moments. Why do I have to struggle so hard to be "cute", to be healthy both physically and emotionally?

I'm sick of taking pills, I'm sick of being so tired, I'm sick of 3 am wanderings.

"treat her like a baby doll"

Cleaning is hard and tiring, especially when you are waking up all hours of the night so anxious and in great need of a pop tart. I know eating pop tarts in the middle of the night is a bad habit, but it's better than popping klonopin.

We just got approved for an equity line of credit to fix up our house. I'm so excited to have some money to do the work that needs to get done! Our home appraised for $640,000. We bought it for $550,000 about a year and a half ago. With the housing market crash that was especially strong in the bay area, we are shocked that the house actually appreciated in value. I feel like quite a lucky duck.

On May 4th Ronald has to go out of town overnight. I'm fine with him flying (most of the time), but a night without him will be hard. I think it's because my dad would leave for 6 months at a time in the military and when he came back he was never the same and treated me differently. I'm afraid the same thing will happen with Ron. That he will come back and not love me. I know it's silly but I'm still nervous and expecting the old pattern to repeat. That feeling of abandonment, not just physical but more importantly emotional has stuck with me like a nail in my flesh. I will get through it though, this is a good step in my search for more independence.

fading

The roses are turning brown and curling as the petals loosen and droop. It's a cloudy dark morning, I couldn't sleep last night, I feel like my petals are starting to droop.

In therapy I sort of broke down, we were talking about the truth and starting tearing into every aspect of my life and it was just too much for me. I don't face some of my feelings a lot of times because I am too full of shame and guilt. I am torn because my T believes that no thought or feeling can be bad or wrong, the only thing that can be bad or wrong are your actions. I guess on one hand I totally believe that, but on the other hand I think thoughts can be really destructive especially internally. I learned this as I couldn't sleep most of the night, I felt like my thoughts were eating me up and I had no one to turn to other than my T. So I turned to Ronald, someone who is always there for me.

One thing I realized in the night is there is nothing I want to keep from Ronald. He is my best friend, he is my person, and most of the time he is the only reason I am still here. He always takes care of me and helps me and is always understanding. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he just gets me, and that is a good feeling. I often times don't give him enough credit, I often only think about his flaws, his mistakes and forget all the wonderful things about him. I want to do better.

I'm frustrated therapy wise because once again we didn't get an opportunity to talk about medication and reducing it. I feel like I really have to push the topic, like if I have a bad therapy day the choice is made that we can't reduce my meds when really I have been doing well overall. I feel like he only sees one piece of the picture, not the whole thing. I have been keeping track of my moods online and realize how steady they have been over the last month or so and that gives me hope.

self-discovery part 2: likes and dislikes

Likes: creating things, shopping, chocolate, connecting with people, puppies, keeping a house, being introspective, writing, Ronald, decorating, flowers, fashion, my glasses, music, my laptop, learning, photography, sex (something I was told I shouldn't like), cooking, candles, booze, being alone, magazines, reading, baking, the way the sun shines through the curtains in the morning, jazz, being connected, the beach, our house, naps.

dislikes: eggs, expectations, my unquenchable desire to fit in, the idea of having a career, depression, being "mentally ill", black and white thinking, fighting, confrontation, saying what I want, making all the decisions,  Christianity in general, my nose, how much work our house needs, not being myself, my weight, my skin, my quick drop into suicidal thinking, seafood, pressure, anger, my parents, cleaning the bathrooms, hot days, side effects, taking pills, headaches, feeling disconnected, being ignored, being overlooked, feeling unimportant, having no reason to be here.

Self-discovery part 1: Habits

I am trying to figure out who I am, this is a slow process and kind of exciting but at the same time scary. I am going to analyze myself in some of my upcoming posts. 

I have bad habits: I crack my knuckles, I drink diet soda, I sleep too much, I don't clean like I should, I'm obsessive about washing my hair, I watch tv while falling asleep, I eat dessert nearly every night, I recite what I'm going to say in my head before speaking, I drink alcohol even though those little pill bottles tell me I shouldn't, I don't take care of my nails, I grind my teeth I dye my hair, I go to sleep with makeup on some nights, I bite my tongue and cheeks, I withhold what I really think about things, I try too hard to fit in.

I have good habits: I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, I drink mineral water, I take prenatal vitamins, I create things, I take my pills like clockwork, I use aromatherapy lotion while falling asleep, I'm obsessive about washing my hair, I eat breakfast, I keep a blog, I don't drink a lot of coffee, I'm eating healthier, I genuinely care about most people, I am open about my life most of the time.