Edith

moving time

2010-04-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

My blog has moved: find me here!

I'm still getting used to typepad but am happy with the move so far, farewell blogger...

"So let's cause a scene"

2010-04-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of switching over to typepad. More options and it may be easier to use then blogger. I also like that people can leave comments without being signed in. The thing is it costs $14.95 a month, I guess that isn't much considering that I blog every day. We'll see...

Lately though I have been having problems uploading pictures and such, it has to do partly with our internet (which is a "dog from hell") and also blogger has been screwing up in general. It's frustrating and adding to my general cranky-malaise this morning.

Our bedroom is a disaster. Clean and dirty clothes scattered everywhere, it's dusty, I need to vacuum, and the bedding is of course full of dog hair. Today I'm going to try to clean everything, there is something about the room that I don't like and I'm not sure what it is, I'm going to try to figure it out and change it today.

Ok, now I'm going to play around with typepad and see what I think. Have a good weekend!

Silent as the grave

2010-04-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 6:20 this morning after a jittery night of sleep following a night of drinking one too many margaritas. I'm tired now.

I'm a quiet girl, so quiet about some things that sometimes I don't even know they exist. I feel moderately down today, I also received an email from my mom. I don't know what I have to do to express to them that I don't want any contact. I guess sending their previous letter back in the mail unopened, didn't get my message across. Even after sending them several emails and letters asking for no contact they don't respect my wishes. They tromp on my wishes like so much sand. It's always been that way and they have never seen it. They "feel" like they love me, but if you think about it, especially considering my dad, they don't do anything to show it. In fact, they often do quite the opposite.

I guess I just get frustrated because they don't understand. I'm sure they think I am their crazy illogical daughter who is lashing out for no reason. Even though I have told them the reasons straight to their face. That is why I don't communicate with them anymore, it was too difficult for me and they didn't listen anyway. They had no desire to change, they "felt" like they wanted to change, but when it came down to actually making the changes necessary, they didn't do it.

I think I need to block their email address. But I guess I hold onto this secret hope that one day they will write me an email that actually means something, a message that they really want to change. I don't know how that message will look, but I want to keep an opening so I don't have to accept the fact that I will never have parents. I don't know if that is healthy or unhealthy. The little girl inside me still wants parents.

working at it

2010-04-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

This scary looking stuffed cat is something I bought off of etsy, my absolute favorite website. I love his little banner.

Yesterday I did nothing but sleep. I felt numb, tired, alone. I decided today would be a better day no matter what. That I would set out some things to do to keep me up and moving. So I'm going to clean the house (which is a poor sad mess these days), and go to the pharmacy. It's sunny this morning which always helps me feel better.

Ok, I need to get started...wish me luck.

darkness

2010-04-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

It's black and grey outside this morning. I'm on the couch with the two insanely sleepy puppies and missing Ronald. I'm watching Julie and Julia for the first time which is really one of the most adorable movies. Makes me want to cook even more and read My Life in France by Julia Child.

Therapy was hard yesterday. I left about ten minutes early because I couldn't stop crying. We talked about how self-conscious I am and how I have been that way since I was a little girl. I remember feeling horrible about my size since I was about three years old. That is not normal. I want to cry about it now still. I feel so full of pain about the whole thing. I just feel awful.

I'm still so tired. I know I keep complaining about it but I really suspect I may be going into a depression. I'm sad, I'm tired, blank, and feeling emotionally flat.

sleepy-doo

2010-04-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

I'm still so tired. I really, really, really want to go back to bed. I really don't want to go to therapy either. Sometimes I feel like life creeps by whether I'm in it or not, so why be in it when I can be hiding in bed?

I'm just down this morning.

"I won't cry when the silver lining shows"

2010-04-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day. I am just exhausted. Two naps down, Ronald is home with me and I feel like a robotic drone of a person. I tried to draw (I only know how to draw small flowers and primitive looking birds), I tried to craft, I tried to clean but our kitchen faucet broke.

All your blogs are so inspiring to me. I read and think of each one of you every day and often times worry about you. I find myself feeling guilty when things are going somewhat ok for me and I see things going so horribly for some of you. I know that is worthless guilt, but sometimes it gets to me. I just wish and hope things get better for you all.

I was posting a comment on dear Shen's blog and her post brought up so many things for me about family. I remember going to my brothers wedding when we weren't talking, my parents had just come to meet with me and my therapist and things seemed to be improving. During the reception when the father dances with the bride I began absolutely sobbing, I left the reception and sat in a hallway with Ronald. The caterers came over to me to see if I was ok. Then my dad came walking out and gave me a hug. An empty worthless hug. A hug that made me realize things would never work out, especially since I had lacked that kind of attention from him my entire life. Sometimes things can't be made up, sometimes the damage is done.

When they came out to meet with my T, my dad asked me to lunch the following day; it was an empty worthless lunch, where he ordered a beer which I just hated. The problem and the reason our relationship didn't work out was because they weren't willing to understand or try, they went through the motions and thought that was good enough. Thought that I wouldn't see through their thin veneer and realize that they are the same broken people who tried to scare me into staying with them forever.

"let me get what I want this time"

2010-04-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

I just got home from running some errands. There were so many women in track suits it was a little scary. I went to Trader Joe's, one of my favorite stores and was so excited as to how cheap milk was there, yes, I'm weird.

Last night my sister and I went to our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. The owners know me and made me a small noodle bowl of what I usually order just because. It was so sweet. I just love that place. We did some shopping and I found a dress for $7 and a hoodie for $3. Oh bargains, how I love thee.

I'm tired. I slept so-so last night but still woke up exhausted and took an hour nap after breakfast. I'm feeling ok these days. I have had so much creative energy but not the inspiration I used to have in writing. I think I write better when I'm depressed and melancholy, I like to write about dark things and when I'm not in a dark place my writing sort of disappears. Kind of disappointing.

Now to crafting, cleaning and cooking tonight. I'm a bit obsessive about cooking and cleaning these days, but I'm enjoying it so I guess there is nothing wrong with it.

random

2010-04-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

We are at Starbucks in Pleasant Hill.

We just had lunch at Rubios (yummy baja/mexican food), and in a bit we are going to see Greenberg, a movie with Ben Stiller.

I'm tired and once again didn't get a good nights sleep.

I'm drinking iced coffee that is too sweet and wishing I was wearing jeans instead of a skirt.

Today is an official day off and that feels great. It has been a while since we have had a day to ourselves.

I'm tired.

We have been watching The Lord of the Rings and nerding out. We also recently bought a flip hd camcorder and have been making videos about our rather geeky life.

This Starbucks is rather beepy.

We are going to Washington this month.

Amelia's new habit is trying to sleep on the absolute middle of the bed squishing me incessantly. She recently jumped on the counter and ate a brownie which I assume she loved.

We are going to Disneyland for Ronald's birthday.

I bought a laptop bag with a screen-print of a scene from The Royal Tenenbaums on it.

I think we have one of the coziest beds in the world.

The end.

thumbs

2010-04-16T03:24:00.000-07:00

Yes I am growing herbs, and yes, I haven't killed them yet. Yes it is 3 am, and yes, I am blogging. The last three nights I have woke at 3 and not been able to fall back to sleep for at least an hour. It's really frustrating. Tonight I'm denying my pop tart comfort, I'm tired of eating for oh so many reasons.

I look horrible these days. I never ever ever thought I would be a "fat" person. Maybe this is just 3 am thinking. I wish I had more motivation to take better care of myself but I'm so fucking exhausted emotionally trying to stay afloat. I'm having one of those "why me?" moments. Why do I have to struggle so hard to be "cute", to be healthy both physically and emotionally?

I'm sick of taking pills, I'm sick of being so tired, I'm sick of 3 am wanderings.

"treat her like a baby doll"

2010-04-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

Cleaning is hard and tiring, especially when you are waking up all hours of the night so anxious and in great need of a pop tart. I know eating pop tarts in the middle of the night is a bad habit, but it's better than popping klonopin.

We just got approved for an equity line of credit to fix up our house. I'm so excited to have some money to do the work that needs to get done! Our home appraised for $640,000. We bought it for $550,000 about a year and a half ago. With the housing market crash that was especially strong in the bay area, we are shocked that the house actually appreciated in value. I feel like quite a lucky duck.

On May 4th Ronald has to go out of town overnight. I'm fine with him flying (most of the time), but a night without him will be hard. I think it's because my dad would leave for 6 months at a time in the military and when he came back he was never the same and treated me differently. I'm afraid the same thing will happen with Ron. That he will come back and not love me. I know it's silly but I'm still nervous and expecting the old pattern to repeat. That feeling of abandonment, not just physical but more importantly emotional has stuck with me like a nail in my flesh. I will get through it though, this is a good step in my search for more independence.

fading

2010-04-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

The roses are turning brown and curling as the petals loosen and droop. It's a cloudy dark morning, I couldn't sleep last night, I feel like my petals are starting to droop.

In therapy I sort of broke down, we were talking about the truth and starting tearing into every aspect of my life and it was just too much for me. I don't face some of my feelings a lot of times because I am too full of shame and guilt. I am torn because my T believes that no thought or feeling can be bad or wrong, the only thing that can be bad or wrong are your actions. I guess on one hand I totally believe that, but on the other hand I think thoughts can be really destructive especially internally. I learned this as I couldn't sleep most of the night, I felt like my thoughts were eating me up and I had no one to turn to other than my T. So I turned to Ronald, someone who is always there for me.

One thing I realized in the night is there is nothing I want to keep from Ronald. He is my best friend, he is my person, and most of the time he is the only reason I am still here. He always takes care of me and helps me and is always understanding. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he just gets me, and that is a good feeling. I often times don't give him enough credit, I often only think about his flaws, his mistakes and forget all the wonderful things about him. I want to do better.

I'm frustrated therapy wise because once again we didn't get an opportunity to talk about medication and reducing it. I feel like I really have to push the topic, like if I have a bad therapy day the choice is made that we can't reduce my meds when really I have been doing well overall. I feel like he only sees one piece of the picture, not the whole thing. I have been keeping track of my moods online and realize how steady they have been over the last month or so and that gives me hope.

self-discovery part 2: likes and dislikes

2010-04-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

Likes: creating things, shopping, chocolate, connecting with people, puppies, keeping a house, being introspective, writing, Ronald, decorating, flowers, fashion, my glasses, music, my laptop, learning, photography, sex (something I was told I shouldn't like), cooking, candles, booze, being alone, magazines, reading, baking, the way the sun shines through the curtains in the morning, jazz, being connected, the beach, our house, naps.

dislikes: eggs, expectations, my unquenchable desire to fit in, the idea of having a career, depression, being "mentally ill", black and white thinking, fighting, confrontation, saying what I want, making all the decisions, Christianity in general, my nose, how much work our house needs, not being myself, my weight, my skin, my quick drop into suicidal thinking, seafood, pressure, anger, my parents, cleaning the bathrooms, hot days, side effects, taking pills, headaches, feeling disconnected, being ignored, being overlooked, feeling unimportant, having no reason to be here.

Self-discovery part 1: Habits

2010-04-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am trying to figure out who I am, this is a slow process and kind of exciting but at the same time scary. I am going to analyze myself in some of my upcoming posts.

I have bad habits: I crack my knuckles, I drink diet soda, I sleep too much, I don't clean like I should, I'm obsessive about washing my hair, I watch tv while falling asleep, I eat dessert nearly every night, I recite what I'm going to say in my head before speaking, I drink alcohol even though those little pill bottles tell me I shouldn't, I don't take care of my nails, I grind my teeth I dye my hair, I go to sleep with makeup on some nights, I bite my tongue and cheeks, I withhold what I really think about things, I try too hard to fit in.

I have good habits: I brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, I drink mineral water, I take prenatal vitamins, I create things, I take my pills like clockwork, I use aromatherapy lotion while falling asleep, I'm obsessive about washing my hair, I eat breakfast, I keep a blog, I don't drink a lot of coffee, I'm eating healthier, I genuinely care about most people, I am open about my life most of the time.

"that was the first time I heard you calling"

2010-04-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

I'm in our cozy Chrysler 300 waiting while Ronald teaches a class at a pool supply store. It's overcast and it smells like the rotten meal they feed cows. I'm tired and thinking about things.

I've been sort of melancholy and introspective the past few days. Listening to sad relatable music, thinking about childhood, thinking about the way I feel about myself, thinking about how much medicine changes me into something I'm not.

I feel numb, distant, and tired on so many pills. I know we are working towards getting me off the meds but that is just to get pregnant and then I will probably return to my droned robot-like existence. This makes me so sad. I think about how many days I have gone with not being myself, either being too depressed, or too numbed to give a shit. I have to choose the lesser of two evils and right now I don't know which is which.

I started taking medicine because I didn't want to live anymore, now I feel like I'm not living because I'm on so much medicine. Which is better? At least now I have a desire to live, but that could be the medicine talking. What if I'm not supposed to be here? What if I should have died a long time ago? Which thoughts are mine, which thoughts are mere chemicals? Where is my soul? What if I have somehow fucked up fate? All these questions race through my mind.

I miss my bed

2010-04-10T17:25:00.000-07:00

We are in Tulare, also known as the middle of fucking no where. We woke up at 3:30 this morning and were on the road by 4:30 driving to Hanford to teach a class. Tomorrow we have another class for a pool supply company. I will wait in the car and read and write while Ronald teaches.

Right now we are in the lounge drinking and playing on our computers. There is a guy in front of a cheese plate stuffing his face and talking so loud. He is talking absolute nonsense.

I'm feeling ok this morning. I'm good at toughing it out when I need to and staying strong. But really, I feel rather self-conscious and horrible about myself at the moment.

I'm on my second drink and missing home and the puppies...

"just tie the rope, and kick the chair, just leave me hanging there gasping for air..."

2010-04-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

I feel vast and ghastly. In spite of losing six pounds, I think I look worse than ever. It's so frustrating, I am completely unappealing, double chinned, and thick. I cried about this last night and he said "you're pretty" and I rolled my eyes.

It's so hard not being what you want to be or think you should be and feeling all this pressure on your shoulders to be that thing. Sometimes I feel like the pressure is so strong I am going to suddenly drill into the ground.

I really don't know who I am or who I want to be, I just know I want to be lovable and gorgeous and something I'm entirely not. I need to exercise today but don't want to in order to protest this image of perfection I somehow have to meet up to, self imposed mostly. This is all black and white thinking...

the truth

2010-04-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had some realizations in therapy. My doctor looked through my file and read my blog and came up with some notes. He discovered a common theme through them all that we talked about. The theme is that I don't have my own truth. I know this sounds horribly cliche' and Oprah, but in an actual sense it is quite true. I am like a little blob with no form and no truth. It's like I am floating around in a stream with nothing to grasp onto for stability. I need to figure out what I think about things, what I believe and who I am. My doctor told me I need to get to my raw self, my true self. This is sort of exciting/scary.

A lot of times I feel like I know where I need to be, I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there. I feel like I am on one side of a river and the things I want are on the other and there is no way across the river. This is so frustrating, but I think this whole truth thing will help me find the way.

anxiety

2010-04-06T08:06:00.000-07:00

I woke up in the throes of anxiety. I know exactly why (we just lowered some of my medication), but it's still scary. I look at this tree and instead of seeing something beautiful, I see something frightening and foreboding, the prickly branches exploding against the sky.

I'm scared and practically certain that if Ronald isn't dead yet, he will die at some point today. Also, that I will get in a bloody car crash on the way to therapy this morning and that our dogs will break their legs just walking around the house. It's horrible that when I am anxious I have this strange feeling that I can tell the future.

kids

2010-04-05T08:25:00.000-07:00

I grew up around kids. From twelve to fourteen I helped my mom run an in-home daycare, When I was sixteen I worked at a daycare center full time for a few months, I also volunteered at my church for about three years doing childcare, so I am really comfortable around kids. I was a little nervous meeting my nephew Sam and curious as to whether all my kid experience would come back. Well, it did and I feel perfectly comfortable around him and more confident in my ability to be a mother.

Of course having a baby around makes me want to a. either steal Sam :), or b. become a mother even earlier than planned. But I know these are just my motherly emotions coming out and that we are on the right track.

All in all though, I love being an auntie. My niece and nephew are the two sweetest kids on earth!

new craft space

2010-04-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

Last week we moved my craft table into the dining room. I love it and have been using it a lot more. I can't wait until our dining room is painted the icy blue color we picked out. The trouble is finding people who can texture the walls for a reasonable price...

It's Easter and I don't quite know what to think about it. I do believe that Jesus rose from the dead, but certainly not for me. I guess I just assume that all this God stuff is so undeserved by me that it doesn't apply. I know that is supposed to be the beauty of God, but right now I can't see that. I grew up in such a legalistic home with such a legalistic view of God that seeing someone I don't need to pay penance to is difficult.

Ronald's brother Chris, his wife Carmen and their kids Samuel and Delany are in town. We spent the evening with them and it was so nice. The kids are adorable, Dela is so grown up (yesterday was her fifteenth birthday), and Sam is so smart and such a little man at 20 months. They are planning on moving down here from Washington in July. I can't wait!

wild sweet orange

2010-04-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

I am in love with this band right now...it's raining and I'm listening to their album intently for the second time today alone. They sing:

Its been a long time for you darling, running from that house in the hills.
Where your parents still lay obsessing over the dust on the ceiling fans.
And did they do the same to you, child?
Did they lock you behind you door?
When they whispered their darkest secrets, saying, "I don't love you anymore."

Amen.

paper tiger

2010-04-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

It's one of those mornings where you think God put all the grey clouds in a jar and brought them to your doorstep. It's so dark outside, I feel almost like it's bedtime. And here I am cold, trying to wake up and stay positively charged.

We have air conditioning. Of course with our twist-turn kind of luck we also found out that our ducts need to be replaced, something we will do eventually. But I am so happy to have a/c! No more blazing hot Summers.

Tomorrow Ronald's brother, his wife and our niece and nephew are coming to town for Easter. I can't wait to see them and spoil the kids! I'm sure I will take about a million pictures too.

book love part two

2010-04-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

Books I am reading:
Strength in the Storm by Eknath Easwaran. The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova. East of the Sun by Julia Gregson.

Books I am planning on reading:
The Journals of Allen Ginsberg. Understanding Your Moods When You are Expecting by Lucy Puryear. Bipolar and Pregnant by Kristin Finn. I Love You, Ronnie the letters from Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan. Shanghai Girls by Lisa See.

tunnels

2010-04-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a little melancholy this morning. I think because I drank a little too much last night. I didn't get drunk, just too tipsy. I hate that alcohol is a depressant and think I need to stop drinking all together. I think I rely on it too much to relax and with all the medication I'm on it isn't the healthy thing to do.

We are getting air conditioning installed today. This house has gone for 48 years without a/c and now it is finally time to bring it into the current century.

So a few goals:

Read the bipolar pregnancy books I bought

Journal more

Start repeating my mantra to myself when I am stressed

Stop drinking

Book love

2010-03-31T14:05:00.000-07:00

What book(s) are you reading right now? What book(s) are you planning on reading next? I would love to hear the titles that have been rummaging around in your head! I will reveal what I have been/plan on reading tomorrow.

chapters

2010-03-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would say this but therapy was great yesterday. I felt like I had the opportunity to say everything I wanted to. We talked about medication and baby plans. Ronald and I want to get pregnant sometime this year so we are now on track to get off medication sometime this Summer. It's all very exciting. I feel so giddy about the whole thing. I feel like I am finally ready to move on and start a new chapter in my life. I'm ready to stop living my life being ruled by my illness.

Last night I was so excited and had so much nervous energy from all the realizations, so Ronald helped me move my craft table into the dining room, something I've wanted to do for a while. It's pretty big and takes up one corner, but our dining room is huge so it fits in. So excited to start crafting more and to be in such a sunny and bright part of the house.

I guess you can tell I'm pretty happy and excited about all these plans. It has been a while since I've felt this good so I'm going to enjoy it.

let's go

2010-03-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today is therapy. I'm ready and hoping that we can figure out medication and the like. I have been quite addicted to the idea of having a baby. I have been searching on Etsy for vintage things for a babies room. I guess because right now that is the closest I can get to it and it makes me feel like one day it will happen.

I have worked out the last two days. I have skipped one and a half doses of Abilify and still feel good, I will take my dose at noon and get back on schedule. It's very unlike me to skip a dose of medication, it usually sets me in a tail spin. This is the first time I have ever intentionally skipped a dose, only because the pharmacy doesn't have it ready yet. I'm surprised I haven't been crying all day, although I do feel a little dizzy.

I bought a ton of flowers yesterday for the house. Lilacs for the living room, pale purple tulips for the bedroom and red somethings in milk glass vases that they always give on the room service trays in Vegas. I think I spent $25-$30 on them...I can't help it though.

I have been cooking lately, finally back to my old cooking nature. We eat at the dining room table drenched in the sun and covered in flowers and cake stands and yummy food, I love it. I have also been a moderate housekeeper which is saying something since I was basically bed ridden just a few months ago. Plus, I have been crafting! I feel slightly inspired some days. Still too sedated to be inspired in my favorite thing: writing, but hoping that one day it will happen. I used to write 1500 words a day. I miss those times.

crackled

2010-03-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's cold and sprinkle-y out. I have been up since 8 this morning but still feel like I am just waking up. I ran out of my Abilify today so am going to skip a dose until I can pick it up tomorrow which may cause me some mood swings. We'll see.

I'm still feeling moderately irritable. I feel like at any moment I will fly off the handle or get really depressed. I don't feel very stable right now. I'm sort of a mess and don't have much to say.

like

2010-03-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

I love this straw hat paint color. It's yellow and buttery and not too bright. We are going to paint our entryway this color.

I've been really irritable the last few days. I think it's because we lowered my Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer. Now I'm having swift and tough mood swings. Nothing really manic except for my desire to spend money (thank God we don't use credit cards). Nothing satisfies though and that is frustrating. Everything is so damn temporary.

shaterday

2010-03-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

He is out weed-whacking and I just cleaned the house, pulled some weeds and took a shower. I have also eaten about nine small chocolate chip cookies and feel horrible about it. I think I will skip lunch.

My medication is from the devil I think. One makes me sweat constantly which is just unbearable and makes me not want to be seen by anyone. The others make me ravenously hungry so on top of the normal weight gain with these medicines I eat more than I should. I am keeping track of what I eat but have still gained about a pound in three weeks. Most of the medication is horribly sedating, I feel in a dream world almost constantly, my creativity is sapped, I sleep about eleven hours a night and still have to take a nap every single day; it's excruciating. I want to stop taking it all, I really truly do. Of course I am too smart (or too stupid) to do it without consulting my doctor. Lately though, we haven't had time to talk about it since so many issues have come up with my parents. Sometimes I feel like I am run through the mill in therapy, given a happy pill and left to fend for myself.

Yesterday I got so angry I wanted to cut my arms off. An old obsessive thought that actually hasn't come to mind for a few months. I almost cut myself in frustration. I'm so tired of not feeling. Even though I'm not depressed right now, I still can't feel a damn thing. Instead of cutting I cried and screamed which terrified the dogs, and I threw my cell phone against the wall.

Sometimes I just feel so lonely and like no one can understand me. I feel like I am screaming at my doctor for help and nothing comes. I am saying: I am tired of being on medicine. I am saying: I can't feel anything still. I am saying: I'm done with my fucking parents. I am saying: can anyone see me?

Disneyland

2010-03-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

Last May we were at Disneyland. This May we are going to be at Disneyland too, for almost the same dates. We just booked it and are rather excited. We are staying at the Disneyland hotel for five nights, kind of spoil-ish and fun. I need something to look forward to and this is a good thing.

Last night was bad. Yesterday was bad. I cried myself to sleep and reasoned that no body wants me and I am worthless. It sucked and I still feel pretty bad this morning. I just am really lonely. It has been a busy week and we didn't have much time together. At least it's the weekend.

In other news, I just for college. Yes it's a junior college but I am so close to getting my AA I'm just going to go for it. I am going to take maybe one class this Summer and two in the Fall. I'm hoping to take them all online so I don't have to have good days to do my work, I can do it whenever I feel up to it. We'll see how it goes.

sour milk

2010-03-25T10:43:00.001-07:00

"Ill take the road less traveled by
Thats what my father always said
Now he works in an office
With a whore in his bed

My mother sleeps alone at night
Dreaming of all her regret inside
I wanna tell her that I love her

Oh and if I could
I would've given her so much better
Cuz no don't you tell me that that man is my father
Oh just some hooded conceiver
Who tried really, really hard to please her.

So I'm returning to my gladness
When I was only ten
Playing football in the front yard
And sweating with my friends

I remember when I was thirteen
It was October something
I was standing on that front lawn listening.
That was the first time I heard you calling
As the sun was cooling down
And the moms were about to drive their kids around.

And they say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah"
And they say. "Blah, blah, blah"
They give us truth deceiving
I don't think thats truth at all

And they say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah"
And they say. "Blah, blah, blah"
They give us love thats leaving
I dont think thats love

Oh and the steeple people
Oh they're so happy not knowing you.
So boldly do they pervert your truth.

Oh did they think we wouldn't grow up
Did they think we couldn't throw back up
The sour milk they been pouring down out throats

Oh they have raised one pissed off generation
With kids that have to start taking care of them
Like hey mom get to work on time
And hey dad would you come home tonight
And the both of you stop drinking so much wine.

And they say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah"
And they say. "Blah, blah, blah"
They give us truth deceiving
I don't think thats truth at all

And they say, "Blah, blah, blah, blah"
And they say. "Blah, blah, blah"
They give us love thats leaving
I dont think thats love. "

-Wild Sweet Orange

pale

2010-03-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

The sky is glowing like a giant fluorescent light bulb, and I am down this morning. I forgot to make a plan for today last night. This leaves me lost. Part of me wants to laze around doing nothing, the other part wants to go out.

Ronald has been so busy with work I can't wait to have some time with him this weekend. I am sort of nervous about the weekend because I usually get so depressed and am not exactly sure why. I think some of it is my expectations of it being lush and romantic and fulfilling. This weekend we are going to work in the yard and paint some of the bathroom. I'm hoping we will have some time to go to dinner or something too.

We, or I, am debating whether we should go to Disneyland or get tattoos with some extra money we have. I really want both but we can't afford both. The one thing about Disneyland is that it will probably be our last time going without kids, on the other hand getting a tattoo would be good since we won't have money for them once we have a baby. I don't know what matters more, an experience or a life long meaningful mark on our skin. What do you think?

Our pantry doors are full of chalkboard paint. I have been scribbling notes all over them in white and pink chalk and love it! I can't wait to get our home equity line so we can really start fixing up the house.

you said it all

2010-03-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

I heart daffodils. The ones on the coffee table are young, hiding, half-opened bursts of yellow. Isabelle the shih tzu is still in bed. She usually sleeps in until ten. Amelia the labrador is sleeping by me. I bought them a brain teaser sort of game called "hide a squirrel". It's a fabric tree stump that you put plush squirrels into and the goal is to get the dog to find a way to pull them out (there are several holes in the stump), well Isabelle doesn't get it one bit and Amelia loves the tree stump, she runs around with it like it's her new favorite toy, totally defeating the purpose of the game. They are both pretty silly.

Today we are getting our house appraised in order to get a home equity line to fix the place up. I'm worried about it and spent all afternoon yesterday cleaning. Then I remember what this place looked like when we first moved in and how much it appraised for and breathe a sigh of relief. It looks so much better than it used to! Fingers crossed that we get the line of credit and can get renovating.

him

2010-03-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

He is in Irvine today teaching a class. We were going to go together and stop at Disneyland for a few days but decided against it to save money and so I wouldn't miss therapy. Now I wish we went. I miss him, even though he will be home tonight, just knowing he is so many miles away makes me sad. We are so connected all the time. he almost always comes home for lunch, he works from home when he can, and then when he is at work we are constantly emailing and texting. i like it. I like that we can't get enough of each other.

Today is therapy. I didn't go last week since we were out of town so we'll see how it goes. I am hoping to get off more medicine and maybe find a moment to talk about baby plans. With all this parent stuff going on that usually takes up all our time. I really don't like that.

identity

2010-03-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

I was down all weekend. I don't understand why I get so sad when I can do whatever I want and have him for company. I do feel really self conscious and shy when I am with him (or with anyone for that matter); I feel boring, dull, used up and empty. I struggle with finding meaningful things to say. I try to be interesting and to keep his attention and that doesn't always work. I guess it's no wonder I get so depressed. I have so many expectations of myself that I can't meet.

It makes me so sad because so much of the time I believe I am not what he wants, even though everything points to that being false. I know what I should think, what I should feel and believe, but I don't because I'm so used to being ignored and rejected like I was by my father. I'm not the typical girl who is even keeled, thin, talkative, career minded, beautiful, interesting. I am just me, just Catherine. And most of the time that feels like it will never be enough.

out of hiding

2010-03-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to be brave. Strong and brave and Catherine. It's hard when you are in the middle of a bad day/bad weekend/bad life. I'm melancholy down this morning fighting my morning demon with disheartening hollows and meager handfuls of pebbles.

I try to be brave but sometimes I go down into my rabbit hole and feel so cursed. Like I can never get over it ("it" being childhood). I so want to; I am gaining days where I can feel it seeping away from me but today it's here. Too close, breathing on my neck, I smell the stench of it. That old weeping gangrenous wound sitting next to me.

I try to be brave but sometimes I feel like such a burden. I imagine people pairing me in groups, viewing me as a responsibility rather than a person. An uncomfortable load on the back, a stitch in the side. There are only a few people I trust enough to lean on but I hate when people believe that I lean on them when I actually don't. They feel burdened just being friends with me, maybe that says something about them, maybe, more importantly, it says something about me.

I try to be brave and imagine myself as a mother. I wonder if I can do it. On good days I can, on bad days I could if I had to. I am not a person who takes responsibility lightly, maybe that is why I carry the least amount of responsibility possible, because I am so afraid of failing? I want to be a mummy, a good loving healthy mummy. I have this feeling, this peaceful sense that it will happen soon.

needle

2010-03-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last night we pulled our mattress out into the living room so Amelia couldn't jump on our bed while we slept and break open her stitches. Now our living room looks like some weird gigantic hospital room.

I'm so tired this morning and down. I don't know what to do today, I get down on days where I can't think of anything fun to do. I usually get down on the weekends when I have to stay home. Since we have to stay with Amelia this weekend there isn't much to look forward to. I just want to sleep. We might paint some of the house but we'll see. I need to clean, I need to craft but none of that sounds good.

Amelia

2010-03-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

This puppy is getting spayed today. We dropped her off this morning and I left the building like a worried mommy. I can't imagine how nerve-racking it must be having kids to worry about. We came home only to find that Isabelle threw up all over our white shag rug ruining it. Now the rug is in the trash and I'm trying to figure out a way we can get a replacement. Oh what an exciting life...

Ronald is off work today so we are going to run some errands soon. I'm tired from waking up at 5:45 after having a night of bad dreams. I woke at 2:30 and had my form of nighttime klonopin which is a strawberry pop tart and some fruit and vegetable juice. For some reason this always makes me feel better.

I'm feeling so-so today. Tired, nervous about Amelia, allergic to Spring, but ok.

texture

2010-03-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

Drama continues. I am not left alone. My parents contact me and go back and forth on the things they say. They are so into themselves and they don't even realize it. They attack, they blame, they admit no fault of their own. It makes me understand even more how unhealthy they are and how good it is that I do not have a relationship with them.

I'm tired of thinking about these things. Yesterday was the first time that receiving a note from them didn't send me into my whirlwind-depression-tunnel. It is great to be over it all. To see things as an adult, to be able to take a step back and rather than letting my emotions get huddled and muddled to just let it go.

Yesterday was a good day in spite of everything. Today is going to be good too, I've just decided on it. I need to give the dogs a bath, clean our poor wreck of a bedroom and do laundry. These aren't my favorite things to do but they need to get done.

paddy

2010-03-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

A little green for the blog to protect it from being pinched today. :) I don't know if I will wear green today, it feels so normal and I may want to be rebellious.

I'm feeling good this morning. The sun is so bright through the thin net curtains, we are home after groups of days away, I have red painted fingernails, I am feeling excited about the future.

I am getting over so many things. The main thing being my parents. They stood like boulders on my path to recovery and now I feel like I can look back at them rather than looking forward. My past doesn't have to dictate my future, they have no control over my life no matter what they do. I am still angry with them and sad but I feel like it doesn't affect my every moment like it has in the past. I have had so many depressed days from living in the past, from wandering through the little girl memories of abandonment, and rejection. This doesn't mean I won't have more depressed days, just that I have a better focus on the truth and I see that I have more control than I ever realized. I think my parents were the biggest thing in my way to recovery and part of me thinks I am getting through it.

If I continue to have more good days than bad for the next few months we are going to think about having a baby. It's so strange/exciting/wonderful. I feel ready, not totally ready, I don't think I will ever feel totally ready, but ready enough I think. I know it will be even more difficult for me since I'm bipolar but I think we can do it. It will be the most amazing/scary/magical/hard thing ever.

Escape artists

2010-03-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

We are back from Yosemite. While Ronald taught his class this morning I camped in the car and walked around taking pictures. It was so nice to be cold and around things that are so insanely bigger than you. Made me feel so small, but not inadequate.

Now we are home with two sleepy spoiled dogs. I am uploading the 500 photographs I took on the trip and am lazing in pajamas. I couldn't sleep last night no matter how hard I tried, I kept waking up. So I'm tired now. I missed therapy today for Yosemite and feel ok about it, although with everything that has recently happened I wish I had a chance to go this week.

We had breakfast at the cafeteria at seven this morning, it smelled like eggs in there which is disgusting, and the coffee was free but very sour. I ate a lot of junk food (we had ice cream for dinner last night) but have still successfully cut out between 200-500 calories per day than what I used to eat.

I set up a routine and some baby plans on the drive up. Will post details tomorrow...

back

2010-03-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

Once a year Ronald and I go to Yosemite to teach a safety class. We are leaving today for one night. I can't wait to take pictures, it's so beautiful there. Today I'm going to revise my life plan on the drive up and write it all out in my journal.

It was a weird-down weekend. I still feel down this morning. Last night I had a dream we had our baby. She was named Cosette and so adorable.

Now to packing and preparing for a quick get away.

sighness

2010-03-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling weird and sad today. I'm not quite sure why. It's the weekend and I always turn blue and pin-tucked on weekends. I just want to cry, I just think everything is falling apart.

I was feeling good for a few moments today. I read and drank coffee with him at Starbucks. On the way home we saw a newborn baby and talked about how I feel so-sort-of-ready to have one. If only I wasn't so tired and if only I could get through this sadness. I think I made some big steps last week but this weekend has been hard. With things with my mom coming up it has brought back all the pain and bitterness and I feel torn and guilty because although I am concerned about her, I don't feel any desire to reach out to her.

So I heard from my sister that my mom's cancer most likely not life threatening. She is going in for surgery soon to get it removed. Interesting that they didn't tell us it wasn't life threatening until we asked. Some moments I think they enjoy being vague and unthoughtful about things. Whether they know it or not, they are being manipulative.

We did talk about some steps I could take to prepare more for the baby. Things that will make me stronger like maybe taking some classes at school, getting in shape and getting into more of a routine. We'll see how it goes.

hide

2010-03-12T07:58:00.000-08:00

So my sister received an email from my dad yesterday telling her that my mom has skin cancer. He didn't send any details about how serious/non-serious it is. It's all kind of weird and I don't know what to think. On one hand I thought I would cry and have all these feelings of regret or remorse. I don't feel that at all. I feel just the same as before, but hope for the best for her sake.

At times I feel guilty for not feeling more towards her, but the truth is the truth and I don't feel much. I obviously don't wish any harm to her but I also feel very little connection to her. In some moments I think about how they perhaps believe that this will bring the family together and erase the past, the thing is that for the past few years I have been struggling so much, facing both emotional and physical death and that didn't bring our family together, instead it brought us further apart and most of that has been my parents choice to leave me here in the lurch.

I don't want to be bitter and vindictive about the whole thing, but right now I sort of am. Maybe this is selfish, but these are my genuine thoughts and feelings.

"so fold your hand"

2010-03-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

I feel lost this morning. I had weird dreams of being at an unemployment agency where they were going to help me with my depression. I tried to take a little rest this morning and as I closed my eyes the anxiety started. My heart rumbled and mind raced through vivid insidious possibilities. I'm scared. I think I'm going to cry.

Tomorrow we are going to the mountains to teach the cpr class again. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to talk to him, I hope I can think of things to say. Sometimes I just go blank and can't think of one damn thing worth talking about. I feel so boring.

Oh well, sometimes there are just bad days...

young and old

2010-03-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

I started scrapbooking at 6:30 this morning. I had this urgent need to make something. I made pages of our wedding day and pages of me as a baby. It was bitter sweet. I was a cute-eskimo-chubby-faced-almond-eyed little baby once. It made me sad to think of myself as a baby. The shy little girl just waiting for attention and love. Only to find it at eighteen, finally from him, the attention I always needed and deserved.

I don't know, I just feel sad this morning. Sad that so much of my life was blank and empty until him. Wonderful him who brought me to life and freedom, and out of my dreamland stupor.

Now I'm trying to find as much life as I can. Trying to enjoy the simple things. Creating, resting (finally resting away from that tense house I lived in for too long), loving, and slowly learning to be myself.

dear one

2010-03-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

Our dear sweet Renee has passed on. I don't really know what to say or think other than: sad. This family has been through so much and I don't quite know why. What I do know is that I love Renee and her family. I pray for rest for all of them. I pray that all those good a-to-z angels and goddesses she would write about every week are surrounding her right now.

Rest dear one, for you are home.

vintage

2010-03-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

This is one of the pictures I bought at the antique store. It reminds me of Indiana Jones or of the gold rush.

It's a bright morning. The daffodils bloomed overnight breaking through their brown bulbous shells. I'm feeling ok. Last night I had dreams about earthquakes, tidal waves, and chemical burns. But now that is over and I'm about to start my day. First a workout, then therapy. Once I get home I'm going to rest and craft and enjoy the sunshine.

I feel weird/good this week. Sort of detached, sort of present, kind of conundrum-ish. Since my last therapy session I have felt like my recovery is truly in my hands rather than in the control of my parents and the strange things they have done/will do. It's a good feeling. Now to get where I want to go.

Here are some things I'm doing:

I hope to lower more of my medication today and find a baseline of how I am doing so I can either get off medication all together or just be on the medication that I really need.

I'm going to get healthier physically. I have an application on my blackberry that keeps track of my exercise and eating. I'm trying to stick to 1600 calories a day.

I'm trying to get our house organized and put together so we can start painting and fixing things up. Next projects are the bathroom and dining room/kitchen.

I'm starting to immerse myself into my creativity. Scrap-booking, taking photos, painting, and writing.

I'm working on talking more and saying what I want. It's difficult because I get so stuck in my past and old habits so I have to be really focused.

Yesterday I was talking to my sister about how since I don't work I don't see myself reaching small goals as much or get feedback on how I'm doing. I'm going to ask Ronald for a "yearly review" on how I am doing compared to last year, what I am doing well and what I can improve on.

antique-ville

2010-03-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Shannon and I went thrifting and antiquing. Our best deal was two vintage sweaters and a vintage dress along with six books for $5.00 total! I also bought an antique horse figurine, a vase, a scrapbook full of vintage photographs, some fabric, and a brass bird. I will post pictures of my finds tomorrow.

The sun is shining through the curtains making me squint as I look out at the clouds and our pale tree. It's Sunday and I'm not sure what we are going to do today. I think we will go on a little lunch date and then replace my cell phone which has been acting possessed lately.

Yesterday I got an Alice and Wonderland dream journal. I'm interested to start keeping track of my dreams and to see what comes of it. I also got two books on meditation, one about slowing down during hard times and getting through.

I'm feeling ok this morning. Kind of melancholy that it's already Sunday, but hanging in. I'm excited to have a day with him.

double post

2010-03-05T15:40:00.000-08:00

Today started out hopeful but has landed now in a gray-clay-slump. He came home to take care of me and I took a two hour nap. I took a shower and spent an hour getting ready, doing things slowly, unhappy with how it all turned out. It looks like someone took old vanilla frosting and spread it all over the sky, it is so dark. I wish it were bedtime.

I wish I had more friends who lived close who could take me out and cheer me up during the day when I'm sad (this is slightly selfish I think). I feel very isolated and alone and friends are hard to find. All my friends work during the day so other than email there is no way to connect.

Some days when he is teaching somewhere moderately far away I feel it, that sinking fear feeling that I am all alone. Most of the time I enjoy being alone. Especially on my good days. I can be creative, let my guard down, sing songs off key, bake and cook random messes, and read all with no interruptions. It's really exactly what I want other than having some cute little babies making trouble for me.

I had a pretty good week, it had to end sometime.

updates

2010-03-05T09:20:00.000-08:00

Ronald and me, aka- Ronald and I (fuck you grammar): Yesterday he told me how much he loves my talking, even when it is about face cream (which I was talking about at the time), it made me so excited and meant so much to me to see how much he likes me. I have stopped talking a lot because I'm too shy and don't want to be annoying or get in trouble but I'm going to try to change that. In other news on the love front-- everything I do creative these days seems to have something to do with love. Love-note filled scrapbook, heart shaped toys for the pups, red paintings. I can't help it, I'm just crazy about that boy.

Medication: Since my Lamictal has been reduced I can feel a slight increase in energy and I'm definitely less sedated. I was actually able to exercise yesterday, and I am in a very creative mood which is rare for me lately. I hope I can get off Lamictal all together.

Anger issues: I had dreams about my parents last night. Luckily these dreams have sort of started to slow down and aren't every night. On Tuesday we put it together that my mom sent the rotten voicemail where she said I can't call them mom and dad right before my birthday and on my birthday they sent me an email saying how much they "celebrate me", it upsets me to see how two faced they can be. It makes me understand why I see things in extremes. Either everything is amazing or everything is horrible; you are totally good or totally bad; the world is magical or evil. No wonder I felt so tense as a child, our home was volatile.

Weekend: Tonight I am hanging out with my sister. Tomorrow her and I are going antique/thrift shopping, then to a beer tasting with our boys. Sunday either the zoo or some sort of date, I'm hoping it's sunny enough so we can go to the park where we got married to take pictures.

House: I am picking paint colors and searching for artwork for the house. Paint colors include buttery yellow, turquoise, ice blue, chalk board painted pantry doors, and dark green/grey for the outside. I can't wait to get started. I have fallen in love with Home Depot.

last year

2010-03-04T07:10:00.000-08:00

This photograph was taken last March. We were at a hardcore show. We only had Amelia for a month and a half. I was one size smaller. I was making my first quilt. We were addicted to rock band. We painted the bedroom. I was on less medication. I was feeling rotten.

This March we don't have any photographs together. I'm feeling up and down like a seesaw swing. I'm on more medicine and trying to reduce it. We are planning on painting more of the house soon. We feel too old for concerts. We are going to get more tattoos.

Last night I cut my hair to all hell. It's not really shorter, just thinner and layered. I like it. It looks much more rock and roll and edgy. I will post a picture tomorrow.

want

2010-03-03T09:12:00.000-08:00

I don't want to say anything. I don't know what to say. It's a rain filled morning and I'm thinking about things. I feel ready to move on from my parents, in a real way. I need to stop allowing their actions or lack of actions affect me. I am angry at them and that is ok. I should be, considering everything that has happened. And so that is what I am: angry, yet determined. Determined to get over them and to get through this.

I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of letting my parents and my past make me depressed. I need to face these feelings and get through them rather than just getting melancholy and letting it steep and fester. I also need to figure out what I think about things. Not what I think I am supposed to think, not what others want me to think, but honestly what I think. I need to figure out who I want to be, how I want to live and what I like.

Here are some things:

1. I want to live a creative life and make things all the time, I don't want to work unless I have to or really want to.

2. I want to be a mother. A creative, loving, attentive mother.

3. I want to be vulnerable with the people I can trust.

4. I want to be a spiritual person. Not necessarily a Christian, or someone who fits in a box, but someone who is in touch with spiritual things.

5. I want to get over my enormous fear of mathematics.

6. I want to be a cook and a baker.

7. I want to be a loving person who genuinely cares for people.

8. I want to show my love for Ronald better and continue to grow in our relationship.

library

2010-03-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

Here are my new glasses. I'm kind of a mess in this picture with pjs on and messy hair but you get the idea. I'm going for the whole nerdy-librarian look. What do you think?

Yesterday was a good day. I got out of the house early and went to a few appointments, had lunch with Ronald and got a lot of things done. I can't wait to have more days like this and energy.

Today is therapy--thank God. I'm not necessarily looking forward to it but I know I need it. I need to get some things to look forward to. I need to continue to let myself cry. I need to get off more of this damn-sedating medication. I'm so tired all the time it makes me want to cry.

Things I'm looking forward to in the near future:

Talk time with Ronald
Getting tattoos
Training Amelia to walk on a leash
Craft projects
Choosing paint colors for the house
Doing home projects
Not having to take naps all the time

comfort

2010-03-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched Snow White and cried. I watched the vintage pictures wash across the screen and the tears fell. It was just a little cry, but a cry nonetheless. I need to cry more, I need to take time every night to let my guard down and be vulnerable. I have so much pain and sadness inside me but I am so good at stuffing it.

I'm realizing some things. For example: I need to take more walks. For example: I need to stop drinking every night. It tastes so good but makes me so depressed and grumpy, I don't know why I keep doing it. I think I am going to only have one drink this week and see how that goes.

Today is a doctors appointment, getting my eyes checked, and then grocery shopping. I hope this day goes by fast because I'm not looking forward to any of it.

sharp

2010-02-28T08:25:00.000-08:00

It's a foggy morning and I'm just waking up. Something happened last night that shocked me. I found a voicemail from my mom that she left over a month ago that I hadn't listened to. She accused me of making false accusations about them in my blog (she discovered my blog by searching for me on the internet) and told me I couldn't call them mom and dad anymore. Funny how this all just proves my point.

I hate how things like this shake me up, but they do. I should just expect this sort of crap from them, but it always gets to me, which is probably what they want. Today we are spending time with Ronald's parents to talk and drink and play poker. Should be nice to have some rest/parent time.

Tomorrow I am getting my eyes checked and getting some new glasses. I want to pick some really cute edgy frames, the ones I have now make me feel like an old lady.

"these last three years"

2010-02-27T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling ok this morning. Glad it's Saturday, glad I have a day with him. I wanted to get tattoos this weekend but since our Lab Amelia might need surgery we have to postpone. Disappointing...

It's stormy and cold. We were planning on going to the zoo but have to wait for a rainless weekend. I feel restless, anxious, sleepy.

I can't sleep well at night. I have restless dreams, dreams that my parents are trying to kill me. I wake up a few times each night and wish for morning so I can escape my anxious tunnel. Then morning comes and I'm disappointed that I'm still here and sick. There is so much life left to live and that is overwhelming because life is so damn hard. I'm staying here though. I'm determined, just not looking forward to it.

worry

2010-02-26T08:59:00.000-08:00

My heart pitters and pats-I'm afraid there will be an earthquake. My heart pulsates-I'm afraid I have a disease. My heart races-I'm afraid he is going to die. My heart escapes its nest-I'm afraid I will crash.

Anxiety is exhausting and it still tinges my edges like a cheap flame along a piece of paper. I'm dizzy, I'm coming down from drugs, I'm Catherine.

I swear I'm feeling the earth shake, I swear I am so dizzy I'm going to faint. Today is a scared day.

lie-lac

2010-02-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

This is my place. My safe place to write how I really feel. I hope it helps some people to know that they are not alone, but mainly it helps me. It helps me to tell the truth, it helps me to express this blackness that lurks in the center of me.

The subject reminds me of my parents. It first started out good Lilac, then turned bad LIE-lac, then turned really bad LIE-LACK. That is sort of how it went. First I was a sense of pride to them, a baby, then I became a burden (especially through my dad's eyes), then a lie was developed that we had a perfect family, that my dad actually was close to me, that my mom wasn't emotionally distant, then I realized the lie and the lack of ability they have to love me in any tangible way.

The sky is creamy white with clouds, the trees shine like spires against it. I hope it doesn't rain anymore and that the sun comes out. And right now I find myself slipping and right now I'm rubbing my nose for comfort. Yes, that is the little girl thing I still do, something about rubbing my nose keeps me from crying or having anxiety. I can only imagine myself on a plane one day holding a rosary and rubbing my nose. It will be a sight...

It's a small world after all

2010-02-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

I'm grumpy this morning. I was grumpy last night too. I'm in the middle of a wonderful raging pity party. I'm so tired of life being so hard. I know I'm supposed to compare my life to others who have it worse than me like children who are starving in Africa, or how people around me are dying, but right now I feel like I am dying too. I'm dying on the inside. Maybe that is cliche and damn over-dramatic, but this is how I feel.

I'm so sick of being on medication that doesn't seem to work. It works well at giving me side-effects, it works well at making me so sedated that I don't even know if I'm awake sometimes, it doesn't work well at making me feel less depressed. I think it just numbs me. It just sedates me so I don't have the energy to think of cutting or killing myself, but I'm also so sedated that it takes away all my desire and motivation to do anything productive or healthy.

I have to push myself so hard to get anything done. To shower, to feed our dogs, to get out of the house. It's so hard. I was thinking last night about how as a child I always thought I would find freedom when I left home and was so excited to get away from my parents. I left their chains to a set of chains dictated by fate. If I had known I would be this miserable, I think I would have killed myself a long time ago.

"the walls are caving in"

2010-02-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

I'm blue and it's raining. I'm not excited for the day or for this life. It all seems so worthless. I'm trying to remember that these emotions are just that, emotions. They aren't facts, they are only temporary feelings.

I have to get up and get going. That is the trick, that is also the hardest thing to do most days. Everything in me says "sit a little longer" "just go back to sleep" "there is no reason to get up and do anything". I hate these voices and am tired of listening to them.

I feel like I'm being taken down by the under-current. Things slip and I get overwhelmed. The house is so messy, little things like the amount of laundry we have makes me want to cry. I can't get my life together no matter how much I try. I make a step forward and then it all falls apart again. My level of frustration over all this is a big secret. I'm too embarrassed to express how sad and angry I am with myself. I can't get even basic things to work properly. I am broken, I am the problem.

The red gingham curtain

2010-02-22T08:36:00.000-08:00

We are back home. We arrived home to a flat tire and a dog with a hurt leg, but we are home and that's a good thing. The house is a huge mess but that's ok. I love being home.

Ronald is back at work and I'm back at trying to be comfortable being alone. I don't know how I am feeling. Last night while deleting extra files on my computer I ran into my mom's email where she let me go. Wow, was it harsh. Harsher than I let myself remember. It's incredible that my own mother, who knew I was suicidal and struggling could write something like that.

On the way home we talked about how I don't remember much of my childhood or teenage years. I don't feel like I remember much of anything until I met Ronald. All my memories with Ronald are real and vivid. I think since things were so hard I have blocked a lot of my childhood memories. I feel like I wasn't alive when I was a child, like I was just a shell going through the motions, I had to void out my emotions as a child so it makes sense that I would feel like a shell. I felt like I was always holding my breath. Always waiting for the worst.

down on the mountain

2010-02-20T18:47:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time being here. It's not so much being here as much as I'm just having a hard time. I feel so self-conscious, I want to hide all day. My side effects are making me dizzy and sedated. I watch people and see how friendly and cheerful they are, I try to mimic them. Try to be truly interested in strangers, but really I am thinking of how sad I am and not even the people we are friends with ask how I am doing. I'm just upset today and cranky and so sad.

Once again I have come to the conclusion that everything I think and feel is wrong. All my thinking is skewed, my judgments are off, I'm not balanced, I'm one or the other. Even this is an example of my all or nothing thinking, I'm so frustrated.

I want to look into other ways to believe in God. I believe God exists and I believe in Jesus but I don't believe in the standard Christian lifestyle. I want to find a way that works for me.

Evening thoughts

2010-02-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

We have internet here in these old grand mountains so I thought I would post some of my evening thoughts...

First of all I want to send all my love, prayers and support to my dear friend Renee and her wonderful family. As many of you know, she has been suffering with many forms of cancer and has been handling it with so much grace it's amazing. Even though I only know her through blogland I feel incredibly close to her, she is so compassionate and inspiring.

After the CPR class, Ronald and I returned to our little room with no television. He is sitting in a plush rocking chair with his feet propped up on the cooler writing a paper, and I'm varying between sitting and laying in bed reading, journaling and typing. I'm thinking a lot about how I am standing in the way of my recovery and I have some thoughts on it. Ronald and I talked about it on the way up and he really helped me see some of the ways I stand in my own way. Here is a list:

1. I'm afraid to truly let go of my parents out of the hope that they will magically become good parents or that if I let go of them I can no longer use my past as an excuse to stay stagnate.

2. I get lots of attention being sick. People worry about me, Ron stays home from work to take care of me. Since I didn't get a healthy amount of attention as a child I think that if I get better and am no longer sick everyone will start ignoring me again and I will return to being the scared little wallflower that no one gives a shit about.

3. My all or nothing thinking keeps me stuck because I always think the worst and get negative and fail to see the little steps I am making, which keeps me hopeless and in the revolving cycle of depression.

4. I'm afraid to get better because I'm afraid I will fail at being a healthy person. This one is pretty silly, but I do have a big fear that I will never be a healthy member of society. I just feel too different, like I don't fit in at all (maybe this isn't a bad thing?).

5. I know how to be the sick girl, I'm comfortable with it. I mean it sucks, but I know it by heart. The staying in bed all day, the stuffing your emotions, the strange bouts of suicidal thoughts-I know this very well. The illness becomes a friend, a neighbor, something close and sometimes even cozy. It's like at first it leeched onto me and sucked everything out of me, now at times I become a leech on the illness and use it for all it's worth.

6. I don't push myself hard enough. I think I do on my bad days. I mean taking a shower is like hell on those days, I'm an absolute train wreck, but I think I could push myself even more. It's going to be horrible, but I'm going to try it.

Now we are waiting for our buddy to come up and have a drink with us (yes we smuggled several bottles of liquor into a Christian camp), and then I might have a good cry and go to sleep.

More tomorrow.

Going back

2010-02-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

We are going back to Old Oak today. I spent the morning packing. I'm bringing mostly books and my journal and some yarn to crochet. Should be all simplicity and quiet which will be magical. I remember when I first got married I was always so terrified to be away from home overnight, a trip brought on anxiety attacks for me. Now I am so excited to go anywhere.

It's my third day with the lower dose of Lamictal and I feel good. Still dizzy but stable. I don't know how long it takes for it to get out of my system but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will be a good change.

Now to peace and quiet. Be back next week...xox

babushka

2010-02-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

As you can see I dressed Isabelle up as a babushka the other night...isn't she cute?

On Tuesday I talked with my doctor about reducing some of my medication to see how I do. He has taken me off one entirely and reduced the other by 100 milligrams. I am really dizzy and headached so I think I'm going through a bit of a withdrawal. Other than that I feel fine, but it should take a while for me to feel the true effects of the change.

We are leaving for a weekend in the mountains tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. No email, no internet, no text messages, no phone calls, no news, just pure isolation. I'm going to think about how I am standing in my own way, and I will write, and I will read and it will be wonderful.

tip of my tongue

2010-02-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

I cried again last night. This time about how I think all my thinking is wrong, that I feel judged by everyone, and that I'm generally weird and different. Ronald was there to hold me and I felt safe so that was good. I like to name things so when I have bouts of crying I call them "crys" so I'm glad I'm getting my crys out.

I think I have some choices to make. I have to choose to be motivated, choose everyday to stay here, and choose to be emotionally vulnerable. Ronald and I were talking about how sometimes it seems that I work for one hour a week in therapy and then the rest of the week is spent trying to survive until my next session. This obviously isn't helping me get better. I need to work everyday to get better, not just once a week and I think letting my emotions out is a huge facet of it.

Basically, I need to stay strong and start working toward a goal. Not just a general "I want to feel better" goal, but maybe think of specific ways I want to feel better. Like: I want to not be self conscious when I go out by myself, or I want to be able to get out of bed every morning, etc. My biggest goal right now is to work toward being able to have a baby and be a healthy mother.

hiding

2010-02-16T09:47:00.000-08:00

Last night I came out of hiding for a few hours. It was hard and scary and I cried a lot, but I think it was good. Ron and I were talking about how I'm afraid to let go and let my emotions out because I'm scared I will kill myself or start cutting again. We decided that it's worth the risk since keeping it in is also making me think I may commit suicide or cut. At least with me letting my emotions out there is a chance I will feel better, with me keeping my emotions in there is only the expectation that things will get worse.

I hate feeling out of control. I feel like I will get in trouble or be institutionalized. I feel like if I let it out it will never stop coming and I will cry forever. This is because in 2004 I cried for basically the entire year. Every day I would cry for hours and hours (not an exaggeration) and it was horrible and it didn't make me feel better.

All this to say that today I am scared.

"on your seven sheets"

2010-02-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

It's the last day of a three day weekend. I'm already getting those blues that fill into the corners when the week is about to start. It seems like real life always comes back. And real life is mean and lonely at times.

Yesterday while eating noodle bowls and salt and pepper shrimp at our favorite Vietnamese bistro we talked about things like babies. We talked about how if I wasn't sick we would be trying to have a baby right now. We talked about when we should try and we don't know. When I get pregnant I will have to be off at least some of my medication. This means that even if I start feeling better on my meds, I might go back into the cave once I stop taking them. There is really no way of knowing when the best time is, it's really just a shot in the dark. But we can be better equipped for when the time comes if I work through more of my issues and develop better coping skills.

I feel sad and strange. Dizzy, tummy-ached, droopy eyed, tearful, dried up, and disobedient. It's like reality and my dreams are kept at arms-length so I can't get to them.

Be Mine.

2010-02-14T09:03:00.000-08:00

It's Valentine's day. Ronald bought me Adobe Photoshop, I bought him some blu ray movies. Last night I made a Valentine cake with pink frosting and red and white sprinkles, and we are going on a little date soon.

I'm feeling good this morning. Excited about a day with him and that he doesn't have to work tomorrow. There are a lot of good things going on right now, and that makes me happy. Maybe this feeling won't last long but I'm going to enjoy it while it's here.

Happy Valentine's dear readers.

capture

2010-02-13T14:09:00.000-08:00

We just got home from our trip to the mountains. It was beautiful and relaxing. There is no cell service, no internet and no television so it's really quiet and distraction free. We didn't stay too long but are going back next weekend to stay a bit longer. You can't beat a free vacation (all we have to do is teach CPR for one hour). We ran into the pastor who married us. You could tell he was pleased to see us happy.

On the drive up we talked a lot. I was honest about how I was really doing, really, really honest. It was very good. I smiled the whole way home just enjoying being with him, talking about psychology and random biological factoids. It was so nice.

While I was at the camp I thought a lot about God. This morning we listened to a cd by Doug Burr where he sings the Psalms, it made me realize that I do believe in God in a way, just not the "church God" I grew up with. I do believe in a higher power and I need to work on opening myself up to him and seeing who he really is rather than being blinded by my past or my present bitterness. It's hard though, but one step at a time. I'm looking forward to next weekend where I can slow down and think things through.

In the mountain

2010-02-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

Today we are going on a road trip up to the mountains to stay overnight in a little cabin. We are going to teach CPR at a Christian camp. It's weird to me that we are teaching "saved" people how to save lives. I guess this is my cynicism coming out. I'm looking forward to having a few hours to talk with Ronald though, and I'm sure that in a convoluted way it will make me think of God. Being around Christians always makes me feel horribly uncomfortable. Like they can all see this sign on my neck that says "I don't really believe in God".

We took a walk this morning and I didn't quite know what to say other than "my ankles hurt, my ankles hurt, my ankles hurt." I'm tired and can't talk about it. It was nice being with him, I felt safe even though I didn't know what to say. Talking is becoming like crying, something I don't really do. Today I'm going to challenge myself to say things, real things.

mellow

2010-02-11T08:33:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm hitting roadblocks. Especially in communication. I choose not to say things, some are important like how I'm feeling, some aren't important like talking about something I did that day. I don't know why I've been keeping secrets. I guess I don't want to bother anyone. I feel like I need to keep quiet. I feel like how I felt when I lived at home: that I couldn't say anything.

I'm so worried I will get in trouble for talking, for crying, for being myself. I remember my dad turning up the volume on the television as I was talking, I remember getting yelled at for crying. Now I don't cry unless I've reached my absolute limit, now it's getting to the point that I don't want to talk and I don't quite know what to do. I'm sad about it.

dew

2010-02-10T16:08:00.000-08:00

I always blog in the morning but I was so tired and muddled and down this morning that I decided to wait. I'm still tired and down and muddled. I think it's funny but not really. I really think it sucks.

I talked a lot about my parents today. About how all the things they did have accumulated into this huge mess of pain and anger. Just one thing they did-- like how they left my wedding early to go to see an auto-race, is enough to be done with them, but that is just one out of many. It makes me so upset. I don't understand all the things they did and why they don't see how screwed up they were/are. I think they are just clueless, they don't get the severity of what has happened and is happening. Their not "getting it" is still no excuse for their actions. I'm so angry and irritated right now. Ugh.

Now to letting it go, and resting, and embarking on an evening of sewing.

reason to stay

2010-02-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

This picture captures the moment I first decided not to kill myself. It was in 2005 and the suicidal thoughts had just begun with a vengeance. And then on a drive with Ronald I put my hand out the window and felt the sensation of the air running through my fingers and saw my hand against the green trees and pale blue sky. For some reason I took a picture, and for some reason I changed my mind. I don't really know what happened but this is probably the last time I felt really connected to God. It only lasted a moment but it's a moment I cannot forget.

"White dove what are you thinking of?"

2010-02-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm blank this morning. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I feel empty, alone, exhausted, angry, depressed and guilty. I get the Counting Crows song in my head "I've been up all night, I might sleep all day, get your dreams just right and let them slip away." I really am contemplating napping the entire day, that sounds so good. But it may not be a good idea to just wallow.

I don't know what else to say. I want to say "I'm blank, I'm blank, I'm blank." and "Oh God why is this happening to me?" I'm sort of in shock that this is my life. Sometimes it just hits me and makes me feel so lonely and vulnerable. I try not to think about it to keep myself from having an anxiety attack. Right now my heart is racing, I'm on the verge of tears and I feel this huge sense of loss. How many years have I lost from this illness? How much childhood did I lose because of my illness/parents? How much more time am I going to lose fighting this monster? Will I ever live a full life?

Right now I don't know the answer. Right now I'm just trying to hold on.

Tell it like it is

2010-02-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I believe he exists but I don't know if I believe in his mercy, goodness, and love for me. I was raised in a staunchly religious family. I was schooled at home my whole life because the outside worlds was too dangerous, I was always very involved in church. I was raised to believe you weren't "saved" unless you were baptized and I never understood why God would have a dip in the water save you. When I was baptized I had a broken arm so couldn't be fully dunked in the water, I was always fearful I wasn't fully "saved" and would often try to baptize myself in the bathtub. Now I look back and this is sort of cute and funny, but it just shows my lack of understanding of God. But at this moment, I have very little interest in him and I hate to admit that.

I picture God the same as I picture my dad. Distant, farther than arms length, looking down on you in judgment, unhappy with your tears and true emotion, disinterested, only wanting you to "obey". I think it makes sense that I wouldn't be interested in being with him if that is who he really is. But part of me knows he isn't, the other part of me believes he is.

I do things to open up: I take walks and see how beautiful nature is, I remember how lucky I am to have my husband, and besides my illness, I live a good life. But most of the time the illness is in charge and I feel like I can't believe in anything being good, or in a God that loves me. But I'm trying to stay open minded, trying to remember that this is just another phase in my journey and that one day I will come to a place where I can see God's love for me.

Simple things challenge

2010-02-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

Check out Enchanted Oaks challenge, what a great way to spread the love around!

Simple things I adore:

Arranging fresh cut flowers
Watching the birds on our telephone wires
Reading
The way Ronald's face looks when he is sleepy
Journaling
How excited the dogs are to see me when I come home

Mother Mary

2010-02-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

This is the picture I'm going to use for the Mary tattoo I'm going to get (this isn't my picture but I don't know who to give credit to since it was just a google image). The crown is my favorite part as well as her open hand and hand on her heart, I like how vulnerable she looks but at the same time she is protecting her heart.

I always get blue on the weekend. I wait for the weekend like I am waiting for something fantastic but it ends up just being another day of me being sick. Luckily Ronald is here with me which helps. I felt like this a lot as a kid. Looking forward to things and then being terribly disappointed, I would look forward to weekends but dad would ignore me just like during the week, and mom would be too busy cleaning to talk, or they got into a fight where they were silent the whole day and you could cut the tension with a knife. I waited for holidays; I waited for dad to come home; I waited for attention that never came.

"and from that day on everything under the sun and moon made me sad"

2010-02-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm falling, falling into the dwindling black hole. My monster comes stomping back into my life, clang! clang! clang! his muddy boots rattle. I feel his breath on the back of my neck, his desire for me-- to eat me alive, to ruin me and take me down to hell.

I have all this good stuff in my life. Ronald, in-laws that are like the parents I never had, a real sister, a few very good friends, and things still suck. I have a house, I live in my dream town, we have all this money coming in, I have the freedom to be artistic and make things all day, and I'm still stuck and sinking into doom. It's fucking frustrating.

I'm exhausted, I can't put into words how tired I am of all this shit. I get my hopes up when I have good days, but I'm realizing more and more that I shouldn't. I know I'm whining, but god it's hard. This really makes me not believe in God. How can he let people go through so much pain without rescuing them?

downess

2010-02-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

I'm down for the second day. This feels remarkably typical as most medicine only works for me for a short time. Maybe this is cynical thinking, but regardless, it is.

I feel exhausted, irritable, sad, lonely and guilty. Since I have been writing down how I'm feeling everyday I've noticed how often loneliness and guilt come up for me, things I didn't realize I had issues with. I'm alone a lot, I usually enjoy being alone but lately it feels quite empty. I'm guilty because I was raised guilty. I hear the old gnarled tapes over and over of being blamed for not having a relationship with my dad. Of course it wasn't his fault but mine, I wasn't a good enough daughter. I would get in trouble by him for crying and was considered "too emotional". I was guilty for being myself; no wonder I hide so much now.

fleur

2010-02-03T09:08:00.000-08:00

I'm down and grumpy today. I drank a little too much last night so that doesn't help. Things make me mad; silly things like how quickly food expires, how much mud is in the house from the dogs, and how cereal is always too soggy or too crunchy. I'm also afraid of random things like how I could poke my eye out when I put mascara on and am terrified of the freeway off ramp to our house because sometimes I feel like I might keep accelerating and kill myself.

I hate these thoughts, they drone in the back of my mind in a snarly-devilish voice. They bark at me, frighten me, keep me on my toes. I feel like I can't let go and relax.

I am stretched in too many directions. Pulled until I feel like I might rip apart. I feel so much pressure and guilt. Guilt that I'm not better, that I'm sick, that I can't clean my own house, that I can't take care of myself, that I can't have our baby yet, that my parents think everything is my fault. It all makes me feel so gross.

"Let me work"

2010-02-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

It's Tuesday morning and I'm dreading therapy. It will go by fast though and I know deep down it is good for me. It's kind of funny that I have been going to therapy for almost four years but still dread it every week just like on my first visit.

Sometimes I think this is all so pointless, this me trying to get better thing. I know I am feeling pretty good on the pills but this makes me feel so fake, something in me consistently whispers "you are a fraud, you are never meant to be happy". It makes me so sad that I have to take dozens of pills a week to feel sort of normal. The thing is, I know I'm not normal, I will never be normal. I am Catherine and that is not normal. Ugh, I hate these thoughts.

Yesterday I took the most amazing walk on the Iron Horse trail. I passed gorgeous houses and a few stables with horses, all the horses ran up to the fence hoping I had carrots and apples. Next time I'm going to bring my camera because there were so many things to take pictures of. It reminded me of how much I love to be in nature, it's too beautiful really.

goodness

2010-02-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling pretty good for about a week. It's strange to have several good days in a row. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I'm able to craft, read, plan out my life (which I'm sort of obsessed with doing).

I want to live a simple and fulfilling life. When I feel ok this is in close reach, when I feel horrible I can't find it no matter how hard I look. I want to find a balance, I want to figure myself out and get truly better. I hate that I have to rely on medicine to get me to feel this way but maybe one day I won't have to.

Today is going to be a good day I think and tonight Ronald and I might go on a date which will be lovely. Ronald is almost done with his big work project and I'm so excited to get back to normal life.

The birthday

2010-01-31T07:14:00.000-08:00

So my birthday was interesting. First, we had a plumbing emergency. Luckily my father in-law Paul knows a thing or two about plumbing and Ronald was able to help him fix it saving us hundreds of dollars.

We were able to salvage the day by going to lunch in the afternoon. We went to the Cheesecake Factory in pretty Walnut Creek and got so full we couldn't even walk around after like we had planned. Then we rented a movie and came home and I took a birthday nap while Ronald did homework. That night we watched the movie and had a little ice cream cake (mint and chocolate mmm).

During lunch we talked about my 25th year and what I want now that I'm 26. In the last few months I have grown a lot; I feel like I am getting better at expressing my anger, I'm beginning to let go of my parents in a real way, and l think I'm more confident and authentic. This coming year I want to gain independence, find more stability, be more creative, get through my anger, and maybe even go back to school. It's all a little exciting/scary. We'll see how it goes...

It's a hoot

2010-01-30T09:25:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday. I'm so excited to have a day with Ronald since he has been so busy with work. We are going on a date and I can't wait to talk with him and hold his hand.

My in-laws bought me the most gorgeous cameo ring, my friend Rachelle sent me a care package full of goodies, and Ronald bought me an awesome huge set of deer antlers on a plaque to hang in our living room (I know the deer antlers sound kind of weird but I've wanted them for so long and love them).

I'm feeling good today, since Ron has been working so much I have to stay strong and keep my guard up to keep myself from going too far down the road of depression. It's kind of scary having to be so strong but I've gone through the whole week successfully. I'm glad I have a day where I can let my guard down completely.

we have the technology

2010-01-29T08:21:00.000-08:00

This week I'm trying to take care of myself. Yesterday I crafted for two hours, making Valentine things of course. Today I'm going to go for a nature walk, then do spa things. This is hard. I ignore myself and what I really need so much of the time. I feel guilty doing things I enjoy. But tomorrow is my birthday so I'm using that as a reason.

Yesterday while crafting I discovered some photographs of my parents. For some reason I hid them in one of my craft boxes along with a card from my mom that said "Cate" on the envelope. It occurred to me that I could throw those photos and the card away. I never thought of that before. I put them in a pile, without looking at them and threw them away and immediately took the garbage outside to the trash can. It was so freeing to get rid of those pictures that reminded me of their last visit that was so hard, awkward and unsuccessful. I still have pictures of them with me as a child but I don't dare look at them right now.

Last night I dreamt I was at church with my dad. I resented being there and got up to throw something away (maybe hearkening back to me throwing away their photos), I came back and found a beautiful woman sitting next to my dad. He was talking to her and didn't pay attention to me, this made me feel horrible. I wanted him to be interested in me and to think I was beautiful. This reminds me of wanting his attention so bad when I was little and wanting him to think I was his beautiful ballerina. Growing up I always felt it was wrong for me to want basic attention from my dad, that that was something only my mom could get, maybe because that was the only person who got his attention in our family. I don't like writing about things like this, but I just did.

Glowing

2010-01-28T10:16:00.000-08:00

The sun is out after weeks of hiding behind a mask of grey. It's beautiful out and makes me feel content. It's crisp and cold and our giant tree in the front yard still has orange leaves on it not realizing it is winter.

I'm doing ok today although I'm feeling a little worn out. It has been a busy week but today is mostly a rest day. I'm going to read, watch a movie and craft. Tomorrow I'm going to have an at home spa day so I will be feeling good for my birthday on Saturday, I bought a special dress to wear just because I wanted to. I will be twenty-six. Sometimes I can't believe I'm still so young. I've always felt that way and one day I will wake up and realize I am old.

I've been doing alright sitting with my feelings. Luckily my feelings haven't been too horrible although yesterday wasn't so great. I'm also staying busy since I have more energy but don't know if that is a healthy coping mechanism. See, once again I'm over-analyzing. I've also been keeping my mood log which really helps me. I'm surprised how much "content" has come up and also "guilt" and "shame".

We are going to be getting tattoos soon. Ronald is getting a really cool illustration of a devil holding a whiskey bottle that I think is from the Civil War, and I'm getting a Virgin Mary in prayer. Kind of ironic that he is getting the devil and I am getting Mary, but they both represent different things for us. His theme is hope and hopelessness (he has an angel on the other arm), and I'm getting things that describe me. I have one tattoo that represents my soul, one that represents my heart, one that represents my beauty and creativity, and the Mary represents my desire for purpose and meaning.

Ok, this is getting long. Onto the lush day and hopefully feeling good.

"with the creatures that play outside"

2010-01-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

One thing about me is that I get obsessed with certain songs. I made a compilation called "thank God for hard times" also known as my "hard time comp", I listen to this practically every day and never get tired of it. It helps me feel something even if it's sad, it helps me feel real and understood. Sometimes I believe sadness is the only true feeling, and that happiness is a sham, I guess because I usually have to fake happiness. This makes me tired.

I learned yesterday in therapy that I have to feel my feelings and just sit with it. Stop over analyzing, stop trying to see it through a lens, just be with it like an uncomfortable encounter with a stranger. That's hard for me because I want to be in control, I want to seem normal, I want to seem happy and not so sunk and lost. I'm going to try to be more genuine. I hate how some people don't understand how I'm really feeling, but I need to be the first to give myself the understanding before I can expect that same understanding from others.

I hate this though, because I am scared of losing control, scared of people really seeing me. I don't want to be rejected and abandoned. This is the only place I really let myself be real and that makes me sad and I feel rather stupid about it. Mostly because I can only be honest typing in a fucking blog and staring at a computer screen. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and angry about this.

Cherry pop

2010-01-26T07:31:00.000-08:00

I think I've said it before but I love Valentines I even have a version of one tattooed on my arm. I made Ronald a cute Valentine yesterday and I will post pictures of it on Flickr soon.

I'm feeling good again today which is strange. I rarely have two good days in a row but am hoping this will continue. I have therapy this morning so I'm anticipating this good feeling won't last long since therapy is one of the hardest things I do every week. I dread it with a passion but I do it because I know I have to if I want to get better.

Yesterday I went to the bookstore and bought some books for my upcoming birthday. A miniature book of Sylvia Plath's poems to keep in my purse of course. I am rather addicted to her and poetry in general. I also bought a novel that Shannon suggested and a calender where you write something positive about yourself every day. I also thought I could use the calender as a mood log and start tracking my good and bad days. I love buying books. I stand at the giant shelves in my polka dot ballerina flats and peek at all the shy books smooshed together in awkward and colorful clumps, and I pick and choose quite lavishly. Book shopping is really one of my favorite things.

I still am having bad dreams. I wake up a few times every night terrified. Last night it was that we were in Haiti during the earthquake and everyone was dying, also that my dad was being chased by a brown bear, I wonder if I was the bear? Chasing him for attention and to let out my rage.

Isabelle

2010-01-25T07:08:00.000-08:00

This little puppy is so cute with her new haircut. I love that we can see her eyes again.

I'm feeling ok today. This makes me happy. Moderately stable in spite of my wonky sleep patterns, and that Ronald has to work twelve hour days which breaks our usual cozy routine.

When I feel stable I have so many things I want to do. I want to journal, take photographs, paint and sew. I have so many plans of things I want to make but I have to take it slow. I don't want to get my hopes up that this medicine will work since it usually never does for long and I get so disappointed. It's exciting to have a prospect of a good day though. I need to take anything I can get.

Lately, I have been dreaming that I am a criminal. The first dream was that I burned down a church and people died. The second was that I was a bank robber in the old west. My parents always creep in as some character, but the criminal portion is more in the forefront. I think this is because I struggle with guilt. I feel guilty for a lot of things, none of which are very warranted. The main things I feel guilty about are: that I'm sick, that I can't keep a clean house, that I don't know if I believe in God, my weight, and that my parents are mad at me.

shade

2010-01-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

It's a lonely day. Ronald is working and I feel like it's Monday. I get the feeling Monday is going to be recurring tomorrow.

Dr. K raised some of my medicine slightly. I feel a little different, a little more stable . At the same time, I feel extremely jittery, yesterday I could hardly hold my coffee at Starbucks without shaking it out of my hand. Every thing is a trade off, nothing is easy. All of these "better" feelings seem to only last a short time for me. Then something clicks and my body stops responding to the medicine and voila we have to add another pill to my repertoire. I guess I'm cynical about the whole idea that medicine will work, I'm also cynical that I will ever get better.

I'm trying to make a small plan for the week. Today I'm going to help Shannon with our Etsy store, this week I'm going to craft and take a nature walk once, I'm going to go to therapy, I'm going to cook at least once, I'm going to do laundry. It's a little scary to make a plan because I usually can never fulfill it. Pop! Something rotten happens that keeps me chained to the bed. I anticipate getting the flu, or falling into sorrow. Something always thwarts my plans. Maybe this is the first week in a long time that that won't happen.

trodden

2010-01-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

The sun is out this morning, it's cold, and I'm here. I feel stuck. I don't know what to write. I was sad last night, thinking about how damn hard life is. Maybe I am full of self-pity, but today I'm just loathing life. My medicine doesn't seem to do a thing, sometimes I wonder if I should stop taking it all together, I can hardly get through the days, the things I want to do are always at arms length because of my increasing lack of energy. It's exhausting. I can hardly get out of bed most days, I just move to the couch and sleep because there is nothing better to do and no energy to do the little daily things like shower.

I want to cry about it all and hide forever. Sometimes, I just can't imagine that this is my actual life. I know this is incredibly whiny and self-centered but I just have to vent and say it. I know all the things I'm supposed to do at times like this: think of the people who have it so much worse than me, think positive, all that happy look on the bright side bullshit. But today I'm upset, and I don't think it's wrong to say it. At least I'm being honest.

Forefront

2010-01-22T09:12:00.000-08:00

I have a lot to do today. Most of it consists of being out in public and driving, both make me really anxious. I'm trying to think of the good things about going out. Listening to music in the car and going to the art store to get some craft supplies. These things are overshadowed by my fear of talking to cashiers, or being seen for who I am by strangers, or having to touch the cashiers hand when I grab my receipt (yes, a huge phobia of mine).

I need to take better care of myself. Treat myself well and gently but I'm so overwhelmed and not used to treating myself nicely. I feel guilty for so many things. I steep in guilt, I smell it, I live in it like an old cardboard box. I fear that I don't live up to people's expectations on one hand, but on the other hand I think "fuck it I don't want to live up to people's expectations, I just want to be me". That is much easier said than done though.

Today I am sad that we can't have a baby for a while, if ever. I worry we won't be able to have a baby because I'm so sick. I need to get more stable before we even think about it, but I'm so expectant, excited, shamed, broken hearted, jealous. I feel ashamed that I'm not strong like everyone else who can have kids no problem. I just wish I could be normal.

hold on

2010-01-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

Holding on is painful. I remember going on the swings at the park when I was little and sometimes it hurt because I held on too tight and I would look at my hands after and they would be full of marks and rust. That's what it feels like now except no matter how tightly I hold on I seem to start slipping.

I want to hide because I don't know which mood is me anymore, I don't know who I am. Am I destined to be depressed, is that just who I am? Are all my good days manic days? Is continuing to talk about how I'm really doing even good for me? I sit and wonder.

My parents loom like an old spinster in my dreams. I can't sleep, I'm trying to stop napping, this makes things momentarily worse. My hair is falling out from stress, my stomach is in knots, I have no energy to do anything. I'm emotionally drained, physically drained, everything drained.

The soul-eating-skull-trotting-mud-monster holds me down and has its way with me. I get stuck on things. I mull thoughts over and over until they stink. I race, I stay still. I am frozen, floating, drowning, downing pills that don't seem to do shit. My love hate relationship with living and trying to get better.

Valentine

2010-01-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

I love Valentine's Day. It is so whimsical and magical and never turns out the way you imagine. I do like decorating the house with a million hearts and red and pink is my favorite color combination. The cupids I can do without. Something about naked babies with wings weirds me out.

I'm trying to have a good day. It's hard when you wake up at 6:20 imagining your hubby will die in a brutal rain driven car crash. It's hard when the house is a mess because your two dogs ruined it while you were gone yesterday. It's hard when you don't have the will for anything.

I'm totally censoring what I say because my psychiatrist is going to read this. I want to seem artistic, interesting and not as fucked up as I actually am.

I'm tired of being strong, but that is the only option I have right now. There is no other choice and I feel stuck in it. My lungs fill with mud and I can't breathe anymore. I'm so horribly sad, broken, I can't find the words. I used to chant to myself "how long, how long, how long?" I used to write pages and pages of those words, that was six years ago and the demon is still here. In the back of my eyelids he creeps and dwells like a god. It all comes out of me like throw up, all these dank childhood memories, old and withered, seep into me like tea in water and fill me up with so much mourning I feel like I can't move. Frozen in space, I try to act normal.

Rigid

2010-01-19T08:06:00.000-08:00

I'm trapped, buried, stuck in the realms of the past. I wake up early from dreams, I eat breakfast, I sit next to him but I am alone, lost in the melodramatic mires of my Mommy and Daddy's old scars, habits and musings that they threw on me like so much vomit.

I feel like I can't hold on for much longer. But I keep holding. I have to hold because there is no other reasonable choice. The reality of it all hits me hard. That the nameless faceless thing is something I even think about, that I can be hospitalized one day in a psyche ward. I hope it doesn't come to that and that is why I keep fighting.

I hate writing about the reality of it. It took me fifteen minutes to write the above paragraph because I don't know if I should admit those things. Those fears, those ever present feelings. As David Bazan sings "it's good to have options", yet the options are killing me.

shambles

2010-01-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

I was a mess yesterday. Anticipating going to sleep that night and flipping out. So down, which is so normal for me. I am going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I will explain how horrible I've been feeling. Hopefully there is something we can do.

It's so hard because I have ups and downs. One up day, three down days, one up day, one down day, one up day, two down days. I can never get on a schedule, on an even keel. I am on so much medicine and am still swinging, still struggling with having energy, still battling to get through the days.

I just hate life, hate living. It's so hard, too hard for me. I keep going because I have to, not because I want to. Everything in me screams that I shouldn't be here, that this is all wrong. I try to smile and act around people, but that is something you can only do for so long. I'm fucking exhausted. I can't even describe it. I never thought God would allow things to get this bad. I never thought a person could go through so much and still be alive and ticking.